All About Spike - Print Version
Escape To L.A.
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NOTE: this is a parody fic.
Buffy needed to get away. Away from Spike’s cheekbones, away
from Dawn’s screechy voice, away from Xander’s double chin, away from Willow’s
fashion sense or lack thereof, just away from EVERYTHING!
But where should I go? she thought. Where could I go that is
close by and inexpensive. I know, she thought. I’ll visit Angel!
She decided to pay him a surprise visit. She drove like the
wind in her mom’s SUV, heading to the City of Angels, the city of her Angel.
Every song reminded her of her first and only true love.
Cause we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl
Okay, maybe not that song. Buffy clicked off the radio. Oh
how she missed Angel. She wasn’t allowed to talk about the last time she
visited him because of this whole network thing, but let’s just say it wasn’t
pretty. On a scale of 1 to 10 IT SUCKED. She thought he would show some emotion
upon seeing her again after her second resurrection from the dead, but instead
he just kept saying, “How’s my hair?” It really hurt her feelings bad.
She arrived late. The sky was really dark, and the stars
were really starry. She entered the huge hotel.
“Hello I’m looking for Angel where is he” Buffy said to a
“He’s in the back with his son, I’ll go get him.”
“No, I’ll see myself in,” Buffy said with self-importance.
Son? Buffy frowned. I wonder what’s THAT all about?
She walked to the back room and the sight she was presented
with terrified her more than any apocalypse, more than any opening hellmouth,
more than Anya’s ever-changing hair color.
Angel was talking baby talk to his baby!
“Who’s my widdle baby waby? Who’s my widdle champion
wampion?” he kept going on and on. Buffy felt nauseous. Suddenly Angel turned
around, saw Buffy, and dropped the baby in shock. Buffy’s slayer speed kicked
in and she grabbed the baby before it hit the ground.
“What is going on? You can have babies? I thought the whole
frigging point of you leaving me was that you couldn’t give me a normal life,
and now you’re suddenly Mr. Mom?”
“It’s a long story.” Angel soaked in the sight of his love.
She looked so good for having been dead just a few short months ago.
“Oh, Buffy, it’s so good to see you,” he said, choking up,
because she was his soulmate and all. Buffy teared up too.
“Oh, Angel,” she said, running into his arms and hugging him
tight. A loud painful wail from the baby clued them in to the fact that Buffy
was still holding Connor and they were smushing him.
“Oops.” Buffy grinned and gave Conner back to Angel.
“We have some catching up to do. Let’s go somewhere quiet
with romantic, doomed-love music and talk.” Angel said, dropping the baby off
“Fred, could you look after Conner? Oh this is Buffy by the
Fred stammered, “Oh... I... hee.. Uh... Oh... Um...”
She was still trying to stammer out a nervous hello as Angel
and Buffy left. They went to a very romantic bar and sat in a dark corner.
Candlelight flickered softly, exposing Buffy’s too hollow cheekbones and
Angel’s not hollow enough cheekbones.
“You look great, Angel. So happy.”
“I am. I mean, it’s not like that one moment of blinding,
post-orgasm happiness I had with you, but yeah, things are pretty good.”
“Who is Connor’s mom?”
“Um, that would be Darla. She was human and we had sex and
it’s this whole big prophecy thing.”
“Oh. And how’s Cordy?”
“She’s GREAT! She’s so nice and sweet and helpful and she
has championesque, painful visions a lot.”
“Hmm. Sounds like you are deeply attracted to her.”
Angel gulped. “No, Buffy. You’re the only woman I’ll ever
love. Cordelia is like a sister to me. Yeah, I love her, and yes she’s got huge
knockers, but me and her in a romantic capacity? I mean, I can’t think of
anything weirder or strangely offputting. That would be like you and Spike
getting it on.”
Buffy spewed her drink all over Angel’s black sweater.
“Oh, you’ve got to be SHITTING me,” Angel said.
“Hey, don’t get on MY case. I didn’t freak out when you said
you friggin’ slept with Darla.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too. About your sweater. And about the whole
Spike thing. It’s just that... I was so tired of being with big hulking guys.
My neck was killing me from looking up at you, and then Riley.”
Angel nodded quietly. “Yes, yes you’re right. I never
thought about how hard that must have been for you.”
“Plus, Spike hung around and helped try to save me and my
sister from an evil hell God and you were nowhere to be found, and he’s got
killer abs. But you must know I only ever really loved you, Angel.”
Angel was busy cleaning up his sweater. He looked up. “I’m
sorry, what? I didn’t catch that last part.”
Buffy was suddenly overcome with emotion. She stood up and
fled before the tears began to fall. Angel caught her just outside the door of
the bar and spun her into his arms.
“Let me go!” Buffy cried.
“Cue rain!” someone shouted.
It began to pour.
Angel wouldn’t let go of her arms. “Buffy, you can’t run
away now. You came here for a reason. Why?”
“Because I still love you you big dork!” she cried, her
voice catching. “And I missed you! And I was hoping to hit a few stores on
“Oh, Buffy.” Angel held her tightly to him as the rain
sliced down. “I love you too. To hell with the curse. To hell with everything.
I can’t live without you anymore.”
“Oh Angel.” Buffy craned her neck up to look him in the
face. “Ow!” she said as her neck cramped up, but it didn’t matter. She ignored
the pain as Angel’s lips came down to claim hers. They kissed with the passion
of a thousand firey suns, or tried to anyway. Buffy wasn’t wearing waterproof
mascara so it kept running into her mouth and she kept having to spit.
“Come on. Let’s go back to my bedroom and eat some ice cream
like last time,” Angel whispered.
“Huh?” Buffy said.
“Oh, um, nothing, hee hee.” Angel picked her up and carried
They went back to his room in the hotel and started kissing
passionately. Or trying to. His nose would bump into hers, or she would sneeze
from being soaking wet from the rain.
“Wait, can we start this again?” Buffy said, annoyed. Angel
looked annoyed too.
“Yep. Okay, here goes.” He kissed her again, and she tried
to kiss back, but he was doing it all wrong. His lips were cool, but they did
not taste right. They did not taste like...
Cigarettes and whiskey...
“Aw, crap,” Buffy muttered.
Angel frowned. “What’s wrong my sweet darling?”
Buffy sighed. “Does this feel right to you?”
Angel got all broody. “Not really,” he brooded.
“I’m sorry, Angel. I love you. I will always love you. You will
always have a part of my heart. You will always live in my soul. I will
“Okay, I get it, Buffy.”
She grinned. “Sorry. I just mean that, I think too much is
different now. We’ve moved on. I guess I just wanted to feel the way I used to
feel with you, but I don’t think I can ever recreate those times again.”
Angel nodded. “Maybe some day down the road, if we meet
again, it might be different.”
There was a long, awkward pause.
“Well, uh, good luck with the whole ‘dad’ thing!” Buffy said.
She suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to get back home, back to her
responsibilitles, back to her life, back to...
“Thanks, Buffy. And Buffy, please be careful. Don’t go dying
a third time or anything. That would so totally suck.”
“You betcha.” She breathed in deep, and turned and left. She
walked toward her SUV with a happy smile on her face.
“Well, well, well... don’t you look all pleased with
yourself?” said a familiar voice. Buffy gasped. Spike was leaning on her car,
smoking a cigarette, all black-clad and evil looking. Her throat, and her inner
thighs, tightened at the sight of him.
“So, ow’s the bloody poofter? Did you give him the ‘appy?
Did he go and lose that pesky soul of ‘is? Cor.” Spike threw his cigarette down
and put it out angrily.
“Spike, did you follow me? I can’t believe you!”
“Oh, puh-lease. Don’t be so bloody full of yourself, Slayer.
I uh... I was, um... I was up to evil tricks behind your back, planning the
destruction of you and all the bloody Scoobies!”
Buffy put her hands on her hips and stared at him, eyebrows
Finally Spike grinned. “Alright, you caught me, luv. I was
just afraid... afraid you’d go back to Peaches.”
“Can’t you just say his name? It’s Angel. Say it. AN-GEL.”
“Make me,” he taunted. They stared at each other for a few
seconds, and then they were on each other, lips, hands, other body parts.
“Cor, Slayer,” he whispered against her golden skin. “I
thought I’d lost you.”
“Au contraire, Spike. I think I’ve finally found myself. All
this time I kept thinking it was Angel I wanted, but...”
“What is it, pet?” Spike said slowly, nibbling on her ear.
“Well, you’re a much better kisser.”
“Crikey, blimey, chim chim a roo! I’m the happiest morally
ambiguous vampire in the world!” Spike picked Buffy up and twirled her around,
and she laughed happily. Then they had crazy violent sex on the roof of the
car, and headed home.