All About Spike - Plain Version
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Attack of the Gay Mimes
By Valerie X
Takes place after "Seeing Red". It's a parody, so don't take it too seriously. I have nothing but respect for homosexuals, assault survivors, and mimes.
Still wearing his tight black pants and his tight black sweater, Spike rode into the desert on his motorcycle. Which, as it turned out, was a really stupid idea, because as soon as the sun rose, he had to stop and find shelter. He wondered if maybe the chip in his head was beginning to affect not only his violent tendencies, but also his intelligence, a theory which would explain much of Season Six.
When night fell again, Spike drove even further into the desert. He was going to find a way to get rid of the chip, and he was sure that he'd find it out here, because freaky things always happen in the desert.
Then Spike remembered the vengeance demon he'd met recently. Once again chastising himself for being totally retarded, he turned around and drove back to Sunnydale.
Meanwhile, in Sunnydale, everyone was wigging out because Tara was dead. Buffy, Dawn, and Willow sat in the hospital waiting room, where Willow was expressing her grief by breathing heavily through her mouth and making a sound like a cat that was being stepped on repeatedly.
"What am I gonna do without Tara?" Willow sobbed.
Buffy patted her friend's arm reasurringly, even though she really didn't care. "I went through the same thing when my mom died," she said. "And eventually, the pain starts to go away."
"But she had huge tits!" Willow continued whining. "No one else has tits like that. I don't have tits, you don't have tits, Anya doesn't have tits. Dawn looks like she's beginning to develop tits, but I'll have to wait at least two years before they get as big as Tara's."
"There, there," Buffy said, even though she wasn't really listening.
Dawn noticed her sister's detached mood and looked at her questioningly. "What's wrong, Buffy?"
Buffy lowered her head. "Spike tried to rape me on the bathroom floor."
"Wow, that's really out of character," Dawn commented.
"And the whole time I screamed 'No! Please don't hurt me!'"
"Wow, that's out of character too," Willow said. Then she remembered that Tara's tits were dead, and went back to her mouth-breathing.
"Hey, do I criticize your lame storyline?" Buffy snapped at her best friend.
"My storyline's cool! Like any minute now I'm gonna flip out and go on some bad magic rampage."
"Do that and I'll smack you down, bitch," Buffy said sternly.
"My storyline's cool," Dawn jumped in. "I thought it was nice last week, how me and you both said we were keeping secrets."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah. I'm sure Mom would be proud at how we bonded over you being a theif and me being a slut."
"Wait a minute, didn't you get shot too?" Willow asked Buffy. "I saw Xander kneeling down with his hand over your chest."
"Nah, he was just trying to cop a feel."
"Where is Xander, anyway?" Dawn asked.
"Well, when I got knocked down I suddenly realized that, back when Angel was trying to awaken Acathla, Xander never told me that Willow was doing the soul spell, even though he was supposed to tell me." Buffy shrugged. "So I killed him."
Dawn frowned at her sister disapprovingly. "I thought slayers weren't supposed to kill people."
"Shut up before I find those monks and have them un-create you," Buffy said. "Besides, Spike will dispose of the body for me."
"No he won't," Clem said as he entered the hospital waiting room. "Spike left town. He's trying to find a way to get his chip removed."
The four of them gasped, even Clem, though he was the one who had just told them.
"Oh, no!" Buffy said. "Spike's left me! How will I ever go on?"
"I thought he tried to rape you," Dawn said.
"Yeah, but it wasn't much different from that time I beat the holy crap out of him in an alley. And the week after, we barely mentioned it. It's just how our relationship is." Buffy sighed. "Well, now I'm depressed. Let's get out of here. It's not like Tara's coming back from the dead, like I did, twice. Go me!" She stood up. "Let's get some pizza."
"Can I come?" Clem asked.
"No," Buffy told him. "You're only good for exposition."
Spike opened the door of the Magic Box and shouted, "Cor!"
Anya looked up from the cash register. "What?"
"I said Cor!" Spike repeated. "And I might say it again." He paused, looked around, scratched his head, and then screamed, "Cor!"
"Uh-huh." Anya returned to counting her money. "If you're looking for whiskey and sex, just go away. This isn't a whorehouse." She paused. "Though I wonder if I'd make more money if it was a whorehouse."
"Where's your friend?" Spike asked. "The demon chick?"
Hearing her cue, Halfrek walked out from the back room.
"Cor," Spike said as a greeting. "I need some vengeance."
Halfrek shook her head. "I only do vengeance for children."
"Well, I have the emotional maturity of an adolescent."
"Works for me. So what do you want?"
Spike was about to blurt out, "I wish this chip wasn't in my head", but then he tilted his head to the side, flexed his jaw, narrowed his eyes, and made some other expressions, just because that was his thing. Finally he sadly said, "I wish I wasn't so alone in this world."
Halfrek's face morphed all demony and she said, "Your wish is granted."
Suddenly there were ten other people in the room. They were thin yet attractive, compact yet well-muscled men, all dressed in skintight black pants and skintight black sweaters, with very pale faces and slicked-back hair. As Spike looked on in horror, the ten men began to feel the air around their bodies as if it was forming a square around them. Then, in unison, all ten let their wrists flop downward limply, and exclaimed, with a slight lisp, "I'm like, trapped in a box!"
"What the bloody hell is this?" Spike shouted.
Halfrek shrugged. "Sorry. I put in a request for 'Spike', but all I got back was 'gay mime'."
The ten gay mimes each turned their heads towards each other, looked down at their collective asses, and then tackled and attempted to date rape each other.
"Well, this is terrible," Spike said. "Now we've gone and created a mob of sexually violent gay mimes." He turned to the vengeance demon. "Do I get another wish?"
"What am I, a fucking genie?" Halfrek said.
"I'll do it," Anya said.
"You're a demon now?" Spike asked her. "Well, that explains how come my chip didn't zap me when I rammed you with my gimungous cock."
"Just make your wish, cock-boy."
Spike smiled wickedly. "I wish I didn't have this government chip in my bloodly skull."
Anya was going to go all demon-face, but the makeup really made her skin itch, so instead she just said, "Okay done," and went back to her money.
Dawn was walking down a deserted street late at night alone, because she's an idiot and she does stuff like that. As she rounded a corner into an alley, she saw a dark figure move within the shadows and light a cigarette. Since anyone who smoked was either evil or about to die, Dawn knew she was stepping into a dangerous situation. But she didn't run away, because, you know, idiot.
"Who's there?" she called out, so that she could alert the potentially dangerous creature to her presence as efficiently as possible.
The voice that came back, while oddly familiar, was also low and menacing.
"Don't worry, Nibblet, it's just me." He stepped forward.
"Spike!" Dawn squealed in that really annoying way she squeals. She rushed up to him and hugged him, but his body was unyielding. "We missed you!"
"Is that right, Lunchable?"
"Yeah, but this is great! You're back!"
"That's right, Low-Fat Snack-Size Pudding Cup," Spike growled. "I'm back."
As they stood in the darkened alley, the night was silent except for the wind that whipped past the buildings and that creepy music that plays whenever someone is about to turn evil.
When Buffy came home from patrol, she found Dawn sitting on the couch, staring off into space, wringing her hands nervously, and looking shell-shocked.
"Dawn!" Buffy gasped, pretending to care. "What happened?"
Dawn looked up, her eyes wide. "Spike's back."
"Is he evil?" Buffy asked, panicked. "Is he still out there?"
"No," Dawn replied. "He's naked, and he's in the kitchen."
Buffy walked into the kitchen, her shoulders squared, acting all tough, you know, like she does. She found Spike sprawled on the countertop, completely naked. For a moment she felt aroused, but then she remembered that Spike was eeeeeevil, and that she was a feminist icon, and everyone knows that feminist icons never get laid.
"Spike," Buffy spat out. "What are you doing naked in my kitchen?"
"Well," he replied all sexily. "I'm in your kitchen because I've come to tell you that I got the chip out. And I'm naked because I didn't want Xander to try to kill me, and I figure, if I'm naked, he won't touch me."
"Oh, don't worry about Xander," Buffy said with a dismissive wave of her hand. "I killed him."
Spike smiled, genuinely pleased at this news. "Love, that's the smartest thing you've done all season."
"Of course, now that you're evil, I'm going to have to kill you too," Buffy told him. "That's how it works. It would help if there were bad special effects swirling behind you and some piano music, but it's not necessary."
"Wait, Buffy! There are more important things right now! There are ten gay mimes on the loose! We have to stop them!"
Buffy rolled her eyes. "What kind of damage could ten gay mimes possibly do?"
Suddenly the back door of her house was kicked open, and ten gay mimes came rushing in, one right behind the other, pretending to be pulling a rope. Remembering that she was supposed to care about Dawn, who was right in the next room, Buffy tried to fight off the gay mimes, but they put up an invisible wall and trapped her in the corner.
"Oh no!" Buffy shouted to Spike. "What are we going to do now?"
"Don't ask me," Spike said as he leaned back and spread his legs. "I'm just here to be naked and look good."
Anya walked into the room. "Hi Buffy!" she said. "I just heard that you killed Xander and I came to say thanks." She saw the mimes and looked puzzled.
"Hey, Anya," Spike said. "I wish there were no more gay mimes."
"Okay," Anya said, and all the gay mimes disappeared.
Buffy climbed over the invisible wall to join the others. "Thanks, Anya," she said. "I hope you'll stick around even though Xander's dead and you're evil. Cause you'd be a great member of the Scooby team with all your powers and stuff."
Willow angrily stomped into the room. "What about me? What about my powers? I told you I was about to flip out and go evil bad magic! Why isn't everyone afraid of me?"
"Because you suck," Spike said. And Willow was rendered silent by the simple truth of his statement.
"Hey, what's going on?" Dawn asked as she walked into the kitchen. "Did I just hear some gay mimes? Oh, hi Anya! Glad to see you. And nice to see you too, Spike. And Willow.....you're a crack whore. I wish that you died instead of Tara."
"Allrighty then," Anya said.
Suddenly Willow was gone, and beautiful boobilicious Tara stood in her place.
"Tara, I'm so sorry you died," Buffy told her. "But look! We brought you back!"
"Yeah, that's great," Tara replied. "Except that you ripped me out of heeeeeaaaaaven."
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" Buffy said. "Now you'll have to be miserable for like a whole season!"
"Nah, I'm over it," Tara said. "Because I'm cool and not whiny like some people."
"Yay!" Buffy cried out, totally missing the insult aimed at her, because she's dumb. "This is the best Scooby gang ever! The only thing that would make it perfect is if we had a Giles-like figure around to explain things to us."
Clem walked in through the shards of what used the be the back door and said, "Hi guys! I just came to tell you that the mimes were all sent to the Gay Mime Universe, where they can happily date rape each other for all of eternity. And even though Spike has the chip out of his head, he's not evil, because he has too much humanity in him already or he's been redeemed by love or whatever. Also, I've got hot wings!"
Buffy gazed over at Spike lovingly. "That's great news! I love hot wings!"
Spike leapt off the counter and grinned. "Oh, Buffy! I love hot wings too!"
"That wasn't a metaphor, idiot," Buffy said. "I still hate you, because I don't trust you. I've never trusted you. Not even when I let you handcuff me to your bed."
"But, Buffy, you don't understand," Spike explained. "There was only one reason why I wanted the chip out of my head. You know how sometimes when you're buying cigarettes at the gas station, the person behind you in line gives you a lecture about how you should really quit smoking? I just want to be able to kill those people."
"Oh," Buffy said. "Well, that's completely understandable. Then you can be part of the New Scoobies too, and we can have tons of sex."
The New Scoobies - Anya: who amused everyone and proved that evil isn't black and white, in fact, it can have as many shades as her hair color, Tara: who wasn't a crack whore like some people we know and who has really nice tits, Dawn: who isn't all that bad when the main story doesn't revolve around her, Spike: who's hot, and Clem: who is revealed in a later episode to be the second coming of Christ - all joined Buffy at the dining room table for hot wings. And they all lived happily ever after.
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