All About Spike - Plain Version

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Awkward Much?
By Larilyn

Summary: Season seven musings. Just a short little thought that was pounding in my brain. Anya is still a vengeance demon; Spike and Buffy are togetherÖ kind of.

Rating: R for language

Disclaimer: Spike is mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!Ö Okay, he belongs to JossÖdamn.

First off, I have to say, I was feeling a little used. Its not like Iím the only vengeance demon in the world. In fact, Iím probably not the only one in Sunnydale. But there I was. At Buffyís house. Again.

Really, itís getting old. Once Spike got over his whole loony tunes phase, which by the way, was not particularly attractive, he & Buffy decided that they were destined for happily ever afteriness. And Iíve been busy as a bee. And bees are very busy creatures. I saw a special on them on the Discovery channel. Did you know that all the little bees work and work just to feed one big fat bee that just lies around and has lots of babies? Wait. Iím off the subject. Buffy. Spike and Buffy. And their numerous loversí spats.

Suddenly, I was showered with clothes that fell from Buffyís window as I stood on the walk leading to her front door. It was rather disconcerting. She screamed at Spike as he pushed by me.. "And stay out!"

For a second, I watched as his black leather duster swung against the back of his legs. I let my gaze linger just a second before he spun back around. He yelled back, "Iíll be in my crypt if you decide to stop acting like a bloody lunatic!"

Then his blue eyes drifted over to me. His eyes are very piercing. And a very pretty blue. Nice, except for the fact that he looked like he was going to strangle the first person he came across, and I happened to be standing there, right in strangling distance. He yelled up to Buffy, "You summoned a bloody vengeance demon?"

"Yep!" She yelled from the window, "Parts are gonna fall off bucko!"

I gave Spike an awkward wave and smiled.

He just growled at me. It was very rude.


Buffy excitedly bounced around the living room as she spewed out ideas for punishing Spike for their most recent fight. She looked like a demented bunny. I suppressed a shudder of horror at the image.

"Make his penis diseased."

I informed her, "Vampires canít get disease. Even ensouled ones"

Buffy scowled at me for a second before her face brightened with another thought, "Then I want you to make it fall off."

"Are you sure? Itís a very nice penis, if I remember right."

She ignored me. I hate that. She was lost in her own little torture chamber. "Shrivel it up, then make it fall off!"


I blinked into Spikeís crypt. He had reclaimed it. Good thing. Living in the basement of a high school? Not the kind of environment in which one generally found upstanding members of society. I found him sprawled across his chair, his leg swung over its arm and a bottle of something alcoholic dangling precariously from his fingers.

"Buffy sent me to curse you."

He scoffed. I hate it when they scoff. "She did, did she? Not surprised. So? Get on with it."

I frowned at him. He really looked pathetic. And ridiculously handsome. "I havenít decided if Iím going to do it yet."

"Well Iím not gonna beg," he slurred.

"I didnít expect you too."

"Good. Drink?" He got up from his chair and retrieved a couple of shot glasses. Between you and me, I snuck a look at his very firm ass. All men should have asses like that.

I shrugged. "Sure. Not too much though. Last time we got drunk together we ended upÖ"

"Between the sheets?" he smiled, his eyes went all sparkly. So very handsome.

I corrected, "More like on the table."

"Trying to be delicate, luv." He poured me a shot, which I downed quickly. Itís important not to sip alcohol. Especially since the stuff Spike buys tastes really horrible.


"Sure." I held out my glass for him. It was gonna be a long night. "This is very awkward for me."

"Sorry bout that luv."

"If Xander knew I was hereÖ"

"Why do you care?"

I choked down the drink and lied. "I donít."

"Yeah. Right."


"The girl is nuts. I lived with Drusilla for a hundred and twenty years, so believe me, I know nuts. Emotionally unstable, she is. A bloody loon."

"Xander was emotionally unavailable." I downed another shot and made a face. "Xander. I wish I could curse him."

Spike ignored me and continued on his Buffy tirade. "I want youÖ but its wrongÖI love youÖbut youíre a vampireÖ.but you have a soulÖbut you donít have a pulse. Itís bloody exhausting."

I sympathized with him; "I can see how it would be."

"Thereís more to me than a demon with a soul. And until she realizes that, Iím not going back to her." I would tell you that I believed him. But I didnít.

"Itís hard for humans, the whole demon thing. XanderÖ"

"Pffft. Bloody whelp wouldnít know a good thing if it smacked him in the ass."

"Thatís very true. I did smack him in the ass. Often. And he still left me at the altar."


Spike was sprawled across the floor, swinging the empty bottle back and forth. It was making me dizzy so I stared up at the ceiling instead.

"Iím just a big old poofter," he complained. He got one out of three right. Big heís not. Angel was big. Riley was big. Unless he was referring to his penis and then, yes, compared to Xander, he was big. Old? Definitely, although not nearly as old as me. Compared to me, heís practically a baby. Poofter? Iím going with no. But then, I donít know what a poofter is.

I was moping. It really was enjoyable. "Iím a big old failure." I stuck my bottom lip out, but Spike wasnít looking at me so it was a wasted gesture. I was lying flat on my back on the very cold, very hard, very uncomfortable concrete slab. Iíve found that itís easier to mope when youíre in a prone position. Moody music helps too. "Did you know that I came here four years ago to curse Xander and I still havenít? Instead, Iíve just given him lots of orgasms."

"I came here five years ago to kill Buffy and ditto." Spike let out a very shrill, unpleasant whiny noise. "All I want is for her to know what she wants. You know?"

I tried to grasp his circular logic which wasnít too hard since the whole world was pretty much going in circles from the copious amounts of alcohol we consumed. "I know exactly what you mean."


"Anyanka!" a deep voice pulled me from my alcohol induced doze. I jerked awake immediately. Nothing like getting caught sleeping on the job.


"Anyanka, why havenít you cursed that man yet?" I glanced over at Spike who was also dozing lightly. He didnít snore. I guess that was because he didnít breathe. Xander snored like a big old donkey. Why couldnít I have found a nice vampire to fall in love with?

I tried to reason with DíHoffryn, "Well, I donít think itís reallyÖ"

"Anyanka, we donít think, we just curse. Youíve been called to reek vengeance upon him. Do your job."

I noticed that Spikeís eyes had opened and he was watching us with interest. I continued working on DíHoffryn on his, and his penisís behalf, "Itís just that I donít think that the curser really wants me to curse the cursee. Plus, she never said the W word."

"Oh. Well in that caseÖ what exactly are you doing?"

"Playing counselor and getting sloshed."

"Carry on."

As he swished away I heard Spike exhale in relief. It was purely for dramatic purposes since respiration is unnecessary for vampires, but still, it was nice that he made the effort.


I headed out of Spikeís crypt the next morning. I donít know what it is about alcohol that makes sunlight so terribly unpleasant. I was squinting my eyes, which is why I didnít notice Buffy until she was practically on top of me. "Anya! Did you?"

I was feeling way too nauseous to try blinking away. I may have thrown up in the nether realm, which is very messy; not to mention frowned upon by other traveling demons. My only choice was to assure her, "No. Nono. I didnít sleep with him."

"Thatís not whatÖyou didnít curse him, did you? His.. you knowÖitsÖ?"

"Fine," I smiled. Then I realized the implications of my statement, "Not that Iíve seen it!"

"Thank God." She pushed right past me and into his crypt, calling, "Spike? Baby?"

I knew that they were going to have sex then. Good thing I didnít carry out her curse or she would have been terribly disappointed. Then I went off in search of an aspirin. I give them a week until Buffy calls me again, "Heís right, that girl is a loon."


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