All About Spike - Plain Version

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The Evil Hairdresser Strikes Back
By Ozfan

NOTE: this is a parody fic.
Written 4/11/02.

Spike was helping Dawn with her English homework. Cause he’s English, you see. And he used to write poetry so he is very intellectual.

“Spike, I just don’t see it. I don’t see what’s the big with Shakespeare.”

Spike rolled his heart-stoppingly gorgeous blue eyes. “You’ve got to speak it, kibbles n’ bits.”

“A-ha!” came a voice as Spike’s front door to his crypt smashed open with a sickening thud. Buffy stood there, stake in hand.

“Bloomin’ onion, that’s the third door you’ve broken this week!” Spike said. The Slayer just loved to break things... his door, his bloody HEART, an occasional rib.

“Dawn, I told you to go straight home after school!” Buffy said sternly.

Dawn stood up and confronted her sister. “Listen, you. I have about 15 pounds and 4 inches on you now, so quit pushing me around!”

Buffy felt bad. She stroked Dawn’s hair, then tried to get all the residual Citre Shine off her palm by wiping it on her $ 130 jeans.

“Sorry, Dawnie... It’s just that Spike is evil.”

“I was just elpin’ the little chicken mcnugget out with her bloomin’ homework,” Spike grumbled, lighting up a cigarette. Buffy watched him suck on the tip of the cigarette and let out a groan of desire.

“You alright, Slayer?” Spike said, eyebrow raised. Buffy wiped the drool off her chin.

“Yeah, just some, uh, cramps.”

Spike grinned to himself and sniffed. He couldn’t smell her monthly friend on ‘er. Vanilla shampoo, check. Vanilla Body Wash, check. The overpowering smell of her arousal whenever she was near him, check. But not a lick o’ blood. He kept sniffing through his nose.

Buffy raised her eyebrows. “You getting a cold, Spike?”

“What? No, sorry.”

Dawn grabbed the Shakespeare play from Spike’s hands.

“Look, Buffy... see? He was helping me decipher this stupid Othello play.”

Buffy grabbed the book and looked down.

“’One that loved not wisely but too well.’ Hmm,” Buffy read flatly. She looked up. Buffy’s gloriously green eyes met Spike’s blindingly blue eyes.

Spike took the book quietly and gently from her hand. “No, no, Pet. It’s like a heartbeat... you say it with your heart.”

“But you don’t have a heartbeat,” Buffy interrupted.

“Good point. I’ll ‘ave to use yours, then.” He put his hand over Buffy’s heart, and she gulped in pre-orgasmic, breathless anticipation.

“One that loved not wisely... but Too. Well.” Spike repeated the line, the words rolling off his tongue in that wonderful accent. His glorious cheekbones jutted out as he swallowed, his hand still over Buffy’s heart. Grrr, no bra, Spike thought. Cor!

“Oh, Spike,” Buffy moaned, her hands suddenly unbuckling his belt.

“Ew!” Dawn shrieked. “You guys, I’m standing Right HERE!” They had totally forgotten she was standing there.

“Get out Get out GET OUT!” Buffy and Spike yelled in unison at the Dawnster Formerly Known as Key while they proceeded to grope each other in a blinding haze of nummy passion.

“Fine!” Dawn said, stealing Spike’s television as she left. She simply could not control her cleptomaniacal impulses that were obviously a cry for help.

“Come, my dear love, / The purchase made, the fruits are to ensue; / That profit's yet to come 'twixt me and you,” Spikey whispered into Buffy’s ear.

“Huh?” she breathed while his sensual, cool, ice cube-like hands ran over her skin like... well, pretty much like ice cubes.

“ ‘s from Othello, Pet,” he said. “I was a poet once, you know, so I know lots about poetry. Wanna hear a little ditty I wrote ‘bout you?”

“Uh, maybe after we do it 6 or 7 times, ‘kay? Times’ a wastin.”

“Right. Sorry.”

Much later, Buffy and Spike woke up underneath the fridge.

“Oops, we missed the bed again,” Buffy said.

“Cor, the door is in my crotch,” Spike grumbled, eyes closed. “I think I like being under those heavy rugs better.” He went to kiss Buffy, but gasped in shock when he opened his eyes.

“Cor-o-rama!” Spike said. “Your bloody hair... it’s... it’s...”

“What? What?” Buffy said, feeling her hair. “Damn you vampires and your lack of mirrors!!! You can walk around in sunlight now, Spike. You eat food. So for the love of God, get a mirror in this place!” She jumped up and grabbed her purse, searching frantically for her compact.

“Oh. No. Oh. God. NOOOO!” Buffy dropped her compact. Her hair... it was drab, her roots were showing, and it was badly styled... like big Jersey hair, only with more hair spray. “What the hell has happened?”

She looked over at Spike, and then started crying.

“Your hair!” Buffy cried. “It’s... it’s BROWN!”

“Bloody ELL!” Spike screeched. “It can’t be! Crikey! I’m Mr. Peroxide!!! I’m All. About. Peroxide!!! What in sod’s name is ‘appenin?!?!”

“I’ll figure this out. I’m the Slayer, dammit. It’s what I do.” Buffy managed to locate her clothes which were lying about all over the place and hastily got dressed. She looked at her mousy brown-haired lover. He looked geeky, but still kinda cute.

“Don’t worry, Spike. It’ll be okay.”

He grinned. “I have faith in you. Be careful out there, luv. Whatever’s out there that gave us our ultimate bad hair days... who knows what kind of power we’re dealing with.”

Buffy nodded and left.

As she walked through the streets of Sunnydale, she ran into no one. NO ONE. Why was it always so freaking deserted in this town? Just then, a few extras scurried by with horrendous hair-do’s. Or rather, hair-don’ts.

Hmm, Buffy thought, so it’s NOT just me and the Spikester. She went to Xander and Anya’s and knocked on the door. Anya answered.

“Oh man! They got to you too!!!” Buffy cried, hugging Anya in support. Anya’s hair was a horrible pale pasty shade of blonde that completely washed out her features, and it was all dry and overprocessed.

“Please stop hugging me. And what are you talking about?”

“There’s a curse on the town. Everyone has horrible hair styles!”

Anya frowned. “Actually, I paid to have this done. What, you don’t like it???”

Buffy blushed. “Oh, I’m sorry, An. I thought... I mean, it’s just... oh nevermind. Is Xander here?”

Anya rolled her eyes. “Nope. Willow was upset so Xander went to go talk to her. Whatever. It’s not as if they are really friends anymore.”

“Just tell me where they are.”

“At your house.”

Buffy ran like the wind to her home. Xander, Dawn, and Willow were all sitting in the living room, looking deeply stressed. Xander had the worst mullet she had ever seen, Dawn’s once blindingly shiny hair was now dull, and Willow had a really bad perm.

She hugged each of them, one by one. It was too horrible to even look at each other, so Buffy stared at her hands. Dawn brushed fiercely at her hair to try and get the sheen back. Willow took a pick out of her back pocket and tried to do something with her horrendously strange waves.

“What do we do, Buffy?” Mullet-head Harris said.

“I wish Giles were here,” Buffy whispered, attempting to run a hand through her hair only to have it get stuck in about 5 ounces of Aqua Net.

“Did someone say my name?”

“GILES!” Buffy shouted in joy when she saw her former watcher standing in the hall. She jumped up to hug him. It was so good to see him, even if he did have a gigantic Afro.

After all the hugging was done with, Willow went to go make tea.

“When did you get here? And why? And how? And what’s with your Afro?” Xander said.

Giles took off his glasses and cleaned them furiously. “Well, I read of a prophecy and I knew it would strike Sunnydale today. Had I known it would be this bad...” He touched his hair sadly.

Just then Tara and Spike burst through the door. He was carrying her. Her hair was a horrible bright red that stuck out in unflattering wild curls. She was crying softly.

“Oh my Goddess!” Willow said. “What happened?”

“She was being attacked by a group of people who thought she was Carrot Top,” Spike said. He put her down on the couch. “Go get her some water, and a bloody hat,” Spike said gently.

“Okay, you can leave now, Deadboy,” Xander said to Spike. “We’re her friends, we can take care of her.”

“He saved my life,” Tara said. “Get off his case.”

“Why, Tara! You grew a backbone while I was gone!” Giles said proudly, hugging her. Then he shook Spike’s hand. “You did a good thing, here, Spike. And your hair looks much healthier that way.”

“Thanks, mate. Wish I could see it.”

“I think it’s kinda cute,” Buffy said, grinning at him. Spike grinned back. The sizzling chemistry between them was visible. Except to Xander, who covered his eyes with his hands.

“Well, it’s late. I suggest we all get some rest, and then work this out in the morning. We should all stay here. This is an evil force unlike any we’ve ever seen, and I want to be sure we’re all safe.”

“Good idea,” Buffy said. “Giles, you take the guest room. Xander, you can sleep on the couch.”

“Tara should sleep on the, um, floor in my room!” Willow said, making googly eyes at Tara. Tara nodded enthusiastically.

“And, uh... Spike, you can sleep in the basement, where you belong, you evil, disgusting thing,” Buffy announced. “But first, can you help me, uh, flip my mattress? It’s supposed to be flipped twice a year.”

“Sure, lu... uh, Slayer.” Buffy and Spike literally ran upstairs together, taking the steps two at a time.

“It is so great seeing you again, Giles,” Willow said. “It isn’t the same without you.”

Giles smiled warmly. There was a loud thud from upstairs. Giles raised his eyes to the ceilng. The thud was followed by a squeaking headboard and some loud moaning.

Xander turned on the television and turned up the volume. “La la la, what a great show I’m watching!” he said, trying to drown out the sounds from upstairs.

The next day, when they all woke, their horrible hair styles hadn’t changed. They all gathered around the kitchen table, working on a plan of action. Everyone except Spike and Buffy.

Giles sipped at his tea and read through The Big Book O’ Prophecies (yours from for only .95!). Willow and Tara continued to make googly eyes at each other while they made blueberry pancakes. Dawn was putting Wesson Oil on her hair to try and make it shine again, but to no avail.

“Oh, bloody ‘ell, I love you, Slayah! Yeah! Who’s your daddy?!?” Spike cried from upstairs. Buffy could be heard screaming in passion. “That’s it, Spike. Fill me with your cold seed!!!”

Xander had his fingers in his ears and was singing “Mary Had A Little Lamb” at the top of his lungs. To try and distract him further, Giles asked him, “Where is Anya? Why isn’t she here?”

“I called her last night and told her to come over, but she said she was fine and she didn’t have to worry. Hmm, I wonder what she meant by that,” Xander said.

Finally Spike and Buffy came downstairs. They were in the same clothes they were in last night and they were both limping and grinning at each other like idiots.

“Spike, what are you doing here?” Xander asked innocently. “I thought you went home last night?”

“I think I’ve found something!” Giles interrupted. “According to this ancient text, a former vengeance demon would bring about a fashion disaster for her own gains...”

“That’s right!” Anya said from the doorway. They all gasped.

“YOU did this?” Buffy said furiously.

“Well, Halfrek wanted to give me a nice wedding present, and I told her I wanted to be the most beautiful person at my wedding, and next thing I know she said “Done” and put a hair-do nightmare curse on all of Sunnydale... but I never knew it would be this bad. I thought it would only occur on the day of the wedding and be lifted once it was over!” Anya felt very bad.

“Anya, you better cancel this curse immediately, or I shall take the Magic Box away from you and turn it into a rabbit store!”

“NOOO!” Anya screamed. “I’m sorry! I will fix this, I promise. Please, anything but rabbits.”

Xander hugged her. “It’s okay, An. We forgive you. Hey, remember I summoned a dancing demon that resulting in innocent people dying? No big!”

“Yeah, we all do dumb stuff, like when I mind-raped my girlfriend,” Willow said.

“Yes, and when I left you all for really weak reasons,” Giles added.

“Yes, and when I stole Spike’s TV. Sorry about that,” Dawn said, giving Spike his TV back. Spike gave her a hug and forgave her.

“Yes, and when I had those really short bangs a few years ago. What was I thinking??” Buffy said.

“Yes, and when I chained Buffy up and zapped her with a stun gun. Woopsie!” Spike said.

“So you see, An, don’t feel bad.” Xander said, giving her a big hug. “Shit happens.”

“Oh, you guys...” Anya teared up. “You’re the best friends an ex-vengeance demon could ever have.”

They all laughed. Giles decided to stay in town for good, Dawn decided to give up flouncing, stealing, and screeching, Xander and Spike became good friends even though he still lived in denial about Buffy and Spike’s relationship, even after they got married and had babies. Willow and Tara made up, and Willow dropped the whole addiction bullshit thing. And they all lived happily. Ever. After.

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