All About Spike - Plain Version
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Hopelessly Devoted To The Evil Undead
Note: This is a parody fic.
Buffy came home after a hard day of burning fries and
flipping burgers. She hoped that the minimum wage she earned today would be
able to pay for the stylish yet affordable jacket she bought the other day. Her
43 other jackets just didn’t look good on her anymore.
“Dawnie! I’m home!” she called. The
house was a mess, as usual. Sighing, Buffy proceeded to vacuum, dust, wash the
dishes in the sink, clean the windows, and regrout the bathroom tile while
Willow and Dawn sat and watched TV. It wasn’t that they were lazy mooches, they
just had so much horrible stuff going on in their lives, and Buffy didn’t have
the heart, or energy, to criticize.
“Whatcha guys watching?” Buffy
said, trying to sound like her old perky self. Dawn rolled her eyes, and
Willow, after consuming several bottles of expensive water to battle her
addiction, gasped, “Oh, Grease. There’s nothing else on. What are you making
“Um, what would you like?”
“You mean, you didn’t just bring me
home a cold veggie burger? Gee, I’m so flattered,” Dawn said, crossing her arms
in a huff. Buffy chuckled. She could see past Dawn’s infuriating, useless, and
ungrateful character to understand that she didn’t mean to behave this way. It
wasn’t easy being an ex-key with blindingly shiny hair, after all.
“How about a healthy chicken caesar
salad?” Buffy offered.
“Fine, whatever, just hurry up.”
Dawn gave her the finger. Buffy grinned. Kids these days, she thought to
Buffy went into the kitchen and
started cooking. She gasped when a voice out of nowhere whispered seductively
in her ear, “Hungry, luv?”
“Spike, don’t you ever freaking
knock?” she hissed. “Get the hell out of here, you filthy, disgusting, undead,
well-toned, sexy... cutie patootie!” And with that whiplash-inducing change of
attitude, she flung herself into his arms and kissed him passionately. Spike
returned the kiss with all the obsessive love in his unbeating heart.
“Mmm, how’s my little Vanilla
Head?” he murmured, breathing in the scent of her hair.
“Tired. Smelly. Morally conflicted.
“Unrepentant, still evil, yet also
somewhat conflicted. What the bloody ‘ell are you cookin’ for? Didn’t you just
get off work?”
“Yeah, but you know, I’m the head
of the household. Gotta bring home the bacon and fry it up in the just scrubbed
Spike slammed his hand down on the
counter. “It’s not. Bloody. Fair,” he bit out. Buffy was torn between being
touched by his show of empathy and feeling overwhelming lust at how his
cheekbones got even more pronounced when he was angry.
“Look, according to schedule I have
to turn into a total bitca and be mean to you now.”
“Right then. Let’s get on with it.”
“Okay. Um... Spike, I don’t need
you hanging around here. Just get out. Uh, you pig!”
“Gotcha.” Spike kissed her goodbye
and headed for the door. “See you tonight around midnight?”
“You bet! See ya!” They waved and
blew kisses and then he was gone.
Buffy brought the salad into the
living room. The three women sat in silence and watched the part of Grease
where Sandy was outside singing into the little pool.
My head is sayin, fool, forget him
My heart is saying, don’t let gooooo
Hold on til the end...
Buffy frowned. Hmm, like everything else these days, this
song was All. About. Her. It was as if Olivia Newtown-John were reading her
thoughts! She knew she should break things off with Spike, but how?
Suddenly the lights in the house
blinked erratically, and they were thrown into darkness. A strange whirling
sensation surrounded Buffy, and she fainted.
“Wow, that ride must’ve really knocked you out!” said a
voice from far, far away. Buffy recognized it as Willow’s. “Come on, Sandy,
“Huh wha?” Buffy said. She opened
her eyes slowly. Willow was dressed up in a very authentic looking 1950’s
outfit, and her hair was all big and poofy.
“Sandy? Wil... why....” Oh My GOD,
Buffy said, looking down at her black lycra tights and high-heeled shoes. “Wait
just a minute, here... this is what Olivia-Newtown John wore at the end of
“What the heck are you talking
about? Come on, get up, if you really wanna be a bad girl and win Danny’s heart
you can’t just lie here all day.”
Buffy sat up and looked around in
confusion. A ferris wheel loomed above her to the left, and to the right was a
small roller coaster. Holy Alternate Universe, she was in the movie GREASE!
Buffy stood up, which was hard to
do in the 4-inch F-me stilettos she was wearing.
“Okay, I have a few questions.
First, what kind of high school can afford to have an entire amusement park set
up on school grounds? Second, this outfit doesn’t even look like it’s from the
1950’s. And third, who the hell is my Danny?”
“Sandy?” came a shocked, sexy, male
voice from behind her. Buffy turned slowly. There Spike stood, looking very
John Travolta-esque, complete with a letter jacket.
“The hell?” was all Buffy could
Spike/Danny, who will now be called
Dike, came up to Buffy/Sandy, who will now be called Bandy. “Cor, you look
bloody gorgeous!”Dike breathed. Bandy rolled her eyes. Since when does Danny
Zuko have a fake British accent? she thought to herself.
Bandy looked down at her slutty
ensemble. “You know, it always pissed me off that Sandy had to strumpify
herself to impress YOU. You’re the one who should change!”
“But I did, luv!” Dike protested.
“Look! My character’s on the bleeding path to redemption! I joined the bloody
track team for you! Do you know how long it takes an undead 121-year-old
vampire with a serious smoking habit to finish the 600 yard walk/run?”
Bandy frowned. Dike had a point.
“So I don’t have to go all evil and black-clothes-wearing to make us work?”
Dike’s stunning blue eyes pierced
into hers. “Bloody ‘ell, is that what you think? That I want you to be evil and
black-clothes-wearing like ME? I wanna be good, alright? You’ve sissified me. I
wanna be worthy of you, even though I deep down resent being your lap dog.”
“I liked you better when you were a
bad-ass, personally,” interjected Willow/Frenchie, who will now be called
“I’m still a bad-ass! Grrr! Arrgh!”
said Dike, vamping out. He waited for a reaction. When no one screamed or
looked the slightest bit perturbed, he went back to human face.
“Bleedin’ ‘ell,” he said under his
breath. Then he looked at Bandy again. “Aw, sod it all, luv. I’ll turn my back
on the whole bad boy thing if it means you and I can shag each other rotten for
a little longer.”
“Oh, Dike!” Bandy breathed, and
they kissed. Like the sun peering out from behind the clouds, a whole bunch of
people appeared. There was Giles, dressed like the Coach. And Joyce, dressed like
the teacher, and Xander and Anya were back together, and Tara and Willow were
there. Angel and Cordelia, Oz, Snyder, the Mayor, Faith/Rizzo (who will now be
called Fizzo)... everyone was there, singing and dancing inexplicably, but
damn, it sounded great.
We’ll be togeeether, like Shama Lama Lama Ca Dinky...
oh whatever, you know the lyrics, I can’t write them out
That’s the way it should beeeee! Waaa OOOOH YEAH!
And off Dike and Bandy rode up into the clouds in the
beloved De Soto. Bandy turned to wave down at her friends....
suddenly, in a blinding flash, she was in her living room.
“Buffy, wake up! The movie’s over!” Dawn shook her sister.
“You fell asleep.”
Buffy sat up, throat dry, her face
white with shock. “No, I wasn’t asleep... I was... oh man, Willow, you were
there. And Spike was there. And Mom! And Giles...”
Dawn’s face lit up. “What about me?
Was I there?”
“Hell, no,” Buffy laughed. Dawn
pouted and flounced out of the room.
Willow sat next to her friend. “Was
it a good dream?”
Buffy sighed. “You know, it was. It
really was. I learned a lot of lessons through the dream. And now, I’m off.”
“Where are you going, Buffy?”
Buffy paused dramatically. “I gotta
go see about a vampire.”
“Hello, Good Will Hunting reference.”
And with that, Buffy left to go on patrol/aka get busy with the Spuffy Luvin,
and she happily hummed “You’re The One That I Want” as she left.
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