All About Spike - Plain Version
This plain version is for users with very old browers, WebTV, tiny screen resolutions, or very slow internet connections.
All other viewers should use the regular version of the site.
Chapter: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Secrets and Lies
Setting: Season 7. Spoilers through BtVS
"The Killer in Me" and AtS "Calvary"
Thank you to Sandy from The Gutter for
the inspiration for this one.
"They've got to get out of the house,"
Buffy told the group gathered around the kitchen counter.
"The girls are losing their edge. They need a break."
I need a break, she admitted to herself, realizing
that her original plans for an intensive Saturday training
weren't going to work.
"So...a slayer field-trip," Xander
suggested. "What's the drill? Willy's bar? The local
"Something definitely non-slaying-related.
Something teenage appropriate."
"You mean the mall?" Dawn asked
Buffy had to smile at her sister's enthusiasm.
"Sounds like a good idea. Think you and Amanda can come
up with a plan that includes Rona and Vi? And, yes, you'll
She took Dawn's bouncing in place as an affirmative.
"Xander, could you and Anya do something with Molly and
Chloe? If you take Andrew with you, I'll be really happy."
"Need a little geek-free time?"
Xander asked with a grin.
"A world of yes." Buffy turned to
Willow. "Would you mind taking..."
"Kennedy out somewhere? Sure. Give us
a chance to talk." Willow leaned forward, resting her
elbows on the counter. "What are you going to do during
all of this, Buffy? You need down time, too."
Buffy slid off the stool, feeling much better
already. "Oh, I have plenty of pampering to do. Fix my
nails, lie on the couch with some Ben & Jerry's. While
you're gone, I'm going to do my best to relax."
God, she was bored. No, bored wasn't the word
when her mind was racing ninety miles an minute. The gang
had been gone barely half an hour, armed with instructions
to stay in groups, avoid dark alleys and be home before the
sun set, and now Buffy was wishing someone was here.
Gradually, as she lay on the couch and stared
at the ceiling, the faint rumbling of the washer in the basement
penetrated her brain. Someone was here and that realization
made Buffy smile.
She found Spike sitting on the floor, back
resting against the wall, engrossed in a book. Halfway down
the stairs, Buffy sat, careful to make no sound as she watched
him. He looked peaceful, the strain she'd seen on his face
so often lately gone for the moment. Of course, the chip being
gone probably helped, meaning no more headaches to worry about.
As he turned the page, she wondered if he knew she was there.
The buzzer on the washer went off and he looked
up at her with a smile. He'd known, and that started a warmth
inside her as she rose and finished descending the stairs.
Joining him at the washer, she helped shift the load of clothes
to the dryer. "Everyone's gone for the afternoon."
"I heard. The little birds were all a-twitter
at the prospect. Nice to have some quiet for once."
"Especially since I managed to get Xander
to take Andrew with him."
"Geek bonding. Be still, my heart."
She heard the snark in his voice and looked
up to see the familiar smirk. How long had it been since she'd
heard him sound like his old self?
"Don't worry," he continued. "I'll
stay down here so I won't disturb your quiet time."
The warmth froze and shattered into shards
of disappointment. "You're welcome to come upstairs."
A low chuckle and he shook his head. "I
appreciate the gesture, Slayer, but we can probably survive
the afternoon without you having to baby-sit me."
"Spike, I'm not..." She reached
out and laid her hand on top of his. It was cool to her touch,
but she knew if her hand lingered there, his skin would begin
to warm. "I'd like you to come upstairs -- I mean, if
you don't mind."
He looked down at her hand, then up to her
face. There was a question in his eyes she wasn't sure she
could answer, but she couldn't turn away either. "We
could just sit...the couch would be a lot more comfortable
if you're going to read."
"Can wait. You deserve a chance to relax,
She thought he was going to pull away, retreat
like he had so often recently. Like she had done to him so
many times. She remembered what it had been like after she'd
first come back, how nice it had been to simply sit with him.
She wanted to recapture those moments, but didn't know how.
He considered her, blue eyes thoughtful. After
a moment, he gently slid his hand from beneath hers and punched
the button to start the dryer. "Let's go upstairs."
They started at opposite ends of the couch
once Buffy had made certain no stray sunbeams peeped through
the curtains. She idly flipped through the television channels
while he read. After a few minutes, she felt herself begin
to relax at last, drawing her feet up onto the couch as she
snuggled down into the pillows. This was nice, just the two
of them with no need to speak.
Unfortunately, the couch wasn't big enough
for her to stretch out without poking him.. After about the
sixth time, he got up. "Don't go," she complained.
"Just moving to the chair, luv. That
way you can stretch out to your heart's content."
"But..." She felt inexplicably whiny,
wanting to stretch out yet not wanting him to sit anywhere
but with her. "Can't we figure something out?"
He looked down at her with a smile. "Only
way I can think of is if you lie down with your head in my
Spike headed for the armchair, as if he was
certain she'd reject the idea. "Okay," she said
He stopped. "Do you realize what you're
She sat up, her hands gripping the front of
the seat cushions. "I did a lot of thinking while you
were...while we were looking for you. About us. About...things."
She'd been thinking a lot since she'd rescued
him as well. The problem with having a house full of potential
slayers was never having a moment's opportunity to act on
those thoughts. Instead, she'd watched as his wounds healed
and he took up his strange position in the household, integral
to the training and work, yet somehow apart as if he didn't
feel he fit. This was the first chance she'd had to speak
with him privately and now she wasn't sure what to say.
Taking a deep breath, she plunged in as best
she could. "I don't want us to be uncomfortable around
each other. There are lots of things we need to talk about
and sort out, but I don't know if we have time to do it properly
before everything comes crashing down or even before everyone
comes home and we don't have a chance to be alone again if
He was frowning and she pushed on. "I
meant what I said in the basement before you were captured.
I saw you change even before you went to get your soul. When
I came back, you were the only one who seemed to understand
that there were times I needed to just sit and be. The vampire
I met in the alley outside the Bronze wouldn't have done that."
"He might have if he couldn't bite you,"
Spike offered, his tone light. It was the same tone he'd used
to speak with her in those first dark days, when she'd claim
she was going on patrol and would end up just sitting in his
crypt with him for hours.
"You watched out for Dawn, you risked
everything to help me...you did all that before..."
"I did other things." He returned
to sit next to her. "Things that were less..."
They sat in silence for a moment. Then words
tumbled from both of them.
"I couldn't believe you'd do that..."
"I only wanted you to love me..."
"I was in shock..."
"I couldn't live with myself..."
Just as suddenly as they'd begun, the words
stopped and they were left looking at each other. "It's
not that easy," she said slowly.
He nodded. "I know. We can't put it behind
us with just a few words."
Buffy hesitated, chewing on her lower lip.
"It takes time."
"And patience and effort."
"We don't have time."
She watched as the disappointment registered
in his eyes and his chest swelled with a sigh. "I know.
Foolish to think we could set everything right. Just know,
I'll do whatever I can to help and I've always got your back."
Before he could rise and make the exit he
was probably planning, Buffy grabbed his hand. "I meant
I know we should take the time, work through what you did,
what I did because if we don't there could be problems later.
But if we did that, time's slipping away and we don't have
Had he always tilted his head to the side
in just that way, watching her with something akin to wonder?
There was an intensity in those blue eyes that made her want
to shy away, but she was determined to stand her ground this
time. "I don't know what's going to happen, and I know
we're not all going to make it, no matter what I say to the
troops. I've got lots of regrets, Spike, and if I'm going
to die a third time, I don't want one of them to be that you
and I...that we...that I never told you..."
She was floundering, losing the thread of
what she wanted to say. Her courage began to desert her and
she tensed, ready to flee. Then, as if he could read the chaos
in her mind, Spike reached out to cup one cheek in his hand
and kissed her.
All her memories of kisses between them were
bruising and urgent. He wanted to show her how he felt; she
wanted just to feel something. This was soft and
sweet, chasing away the worries and fears that crowded her
mind, her thoughts shifting, ordering. When he pulled back,
he was smiling, his thumb gently caressing her cheek. "I
love you," Buffy said, the words falling easily out of
"I love you," he replied. He'd provoked
her to anger with those words; now they roused something else
She initiated the kiss this time, letting
her arms encircle his neck, ignoring the "clunk"
of his book when it dropped to the floor. At this moment,
nothing mattered except him and her. This was their respite.
Buffy stirred sleepily as the noise associated
with teenaged girls penetrated her consciousness. She was
vaguely aware of a hand gently stroking her hair, the touch
soft and wonderfully familiar. She was on the couch, that
much she could remember, having stretched out to nap after
yawning three times while she and Spike had been kissing.
He'd teased her about how he clearly held her interest and
she'd gotten annoyed, only to realize he wasn't trying to
provoke but let her know it was okay that she needed the rest.
She remembered settling with her head on his
lap and how just having him near helped wash away the tensions,
letting her body find the sleep it'd been craving.
The sound of girls being shushed, then Buffy
heard footsteps approach the couch. "Is she asleep?"
Willow asked in a whisper.
"Coming up, I think," Spike replied,
his voice just as quiet. "Should be on her feet in a
"Don't wanna," Buffy muttered, burrowing
into him as much as she could.
"Clear sign she's coming up. Buffy always
complains like that when she's waking up. At least, she did
in high school when we had sleepovers."
"I'd like to let her sleep as long as
I can; she needs the rest."
Buffy agreed with Spike and wanted to tell
them that their quiet whispering was preventing her from dropping
back down, but it would take too much effort.
"She's been working awfully hard, but
I'm not certain she'd really like the potentials to see her
like this. I got Dawn to take them in the kitchen, but Xander
and Anya should be back soon and..."
The front door closed with a bit of a bang,
followed by Andrew announcing, "Why is Buffy sleeping
with her head in Spike's lap?"
"...you know Andrew won't be able to
keep his mouth shut," Willow finished.
Buffy managed to open her eyes with that,
struggling to sit upright. "You should have woken me
when they came in."
"Thought it better you come up naturally."
Spike smiled at her. "Besides, you looked very peaceful."
"Maybe, but I bet my hair looks like
a dead cat."
He reached out and pushed a stray strand behind
her ear. "Not at all. Looks perfect."
Buffy turned to look at Willow, who mouthed
"cat." Well, Spike was definitely passing the boyfriend
test. "I'll be back down in a minute," she told
him, reaching out to squeeze his hand.
The smile he gave her at the simple gesture
could have lit the building. Xander, in contrast, looked none
too happy, though Buffy wasn't certain if that was because
of Spike or because Andrew kept trying to whisper something
in his ear. Deciding not to stick around to find out, she
headed for the stairs, fully intent on putting herself to
rights and getting back down as soon as she could...before
the questions and arguments started.
It wasn't surprising that Willow followed
her, flopping on the bed as Buffy tried to remove her hair
clip from a tangle without pulling too hard. "You look
like you had a relaxing afternoon."
As invitations to spill went, that one wasn't
bad. "It was...nice," she admitted.
"Must have been, given how comfy you
looked with Spike and all. Just decided he'd make a nice pillow?"
The clip came free and Buffy laid it on her
dressing table before turning to face the inquisition. "You're
just going to sit there and ask questions until I tell you
everything, aren't you?"
Willow looked completely unrepentant. "That's
what best friends are for."
Despite the confidence she'd felt when she'd
spoken the words, Buffy found herself hesitating. Admitting
how she felt to Spike was one thing; admitting how she felt
about Spike to her friends was a completely different matter.
"You know I was wound pretty tight over getting Spike
back," she said, looking down at hands that hadn't seen
a manicure in forever. "Part of it was because we needed
to get him away from the First, from whatever plan they had
for him, but a lot of it was because I realized I cared for
him and I've lost too many people I care for."
"You care for Xander and you don't curl
up on the couch with him like that."
"Because I don't love Xander like that."
There. She'd said the words and was rewarded with silence
from Willow. Unable to stand it for more than a few seconds,
Buffy looked up to find her friend staring at her with a somber
"Buffy...we haven't talked about it because,
hey, kind of personal, but Xander told me what he did."
"Xander doesn't know!"
The words came in frustration. "He came in after Spike
had left. I just wish he'd let us deal with it rather than
telling the whole world what he thinks happened."
"So, Spike didn't..."
"No, he didn't and that's not what this
is about. This is about the fact I'm finally admitting I love
Spike and we've got things to work out, but I'm not going
to wait for a 'someday' that might not come." Buffy was
on her feet, pacing the confines of the room. "I know,
I know. I'm falling for a souled vampire again and there are
all the Angel issues to worry about, not to mention the fact
that I think I fell in love with him before he got the soul
and Angel was different from Angelus, but Spike's still the
same Spike, only with a soul and am I making sense here?"
Willow sat up, legs crossed. "Let me
try to summarize. You love Spike and you're thinking of making
with the smoochies?"
"Big time. We did on the couch, make
with the smoochies, I mean. I just suddenly felt so relaxed
being with him that I started drifting off." Buffy joined
Willow on the bed. "I know everyone's got issues about
Spike, but I don't have time to be cautious and serious about
this. I shouldn't...I mean, what example am I setting for
the girls? But I need him, Willow. I need what he can give
me. Can you understand that?"
"Yes," Willow admitted cautiously.
"I mean, I didn't think there'd be anyone after Tara
and even if there was, I wouldn't be thinking about it this
"But there's Kennedy and no time."
Willow offered a sheepish smile. "I guess
we're kind of in the same boat. I think Xander's going to
have an easier time of mine than yours, though."
"Xander!" Buffy pushed herself to
her feet and grabbed her brush, looking in the mirror as she
pulled it through her hair with somewhat frantic strokes.
"He's down there with Spike. I didn't mean to be up here
Willow offered to make certain Spike hadn't
been turned to ashes and told Buffy to take the time she needed
to make herself presentable. Presentable. It'd been a while
since she'd worried about that. She brushed the tangles from
her hair and started to pull it back, but decided against
it. Hadn't Spike always said he liked it long?
When she came downstairs, Spike wasn't dusty,
though he was being grilled by both Willow and Dawn, a half-pleased,
half-helpless look on his face. Andrew was sulking in the
corner as usual and various potentials were scattered about
the living room, all doing their best to avoid looking at
Spike. Oh, yeah. It was a big secret.
Xander wasn't in sight, which meant he was
probably in the kitchen, giving Anya an earful. He could wait
for a few minutes, then they'd talk. First, though...
Spike's head turned toward her as she approached
and she didn't miss the way his eyes trailed down her body
appraisingly. Bad Buffy! "Dawn, can I borrow you?"
The look her sister gave her was a far cry
from the enthusiasm of earlier that day and a clear announcement
Buffy was In Trouble. Silently, arms crossed over her chest,
she followed as Buffy led her to the far end of the living
room. "I'm guessing you've figured out something's up."
"No. I think you panic about every vampire
you meet." Dawn took a deep, put-upon breath. "I
thought you said it was over."
"It was. It's back on again...and it's
serious this time. I've given this a lot of thought and I
really care for him."
"Even with Anya? Even with, well, you
"We've talked about 'you know'; we're
dealing with it. As for Anya...I've seen Spike do stupider
things while he was drunk."
Dawn stood there, doing her best to look annoyed,
but Buffy could sense the weakening. There'd been a gradual
thaw since Buffy had brought him home and she hadn't missed
how Dawn had thrown him the Bringer knife without hesitation
when they'd taken out some of the First's minions at the school.
"If you're seeing Spike, does this mean I can date?"
Buffy restrained herself from the knee-jerk
"no." "Once we've dealt with the First. Right
now, I'd worry too much about you wandering off with a boy
"What about a school dance? The staff
usually chaperones, so you'd be there."
Clearly Dawn had someone in mind. "We'll
see," she promised and headed for the kitchen. As expected,
Xander was there. "I mean, it's crazy. We know what happened
with Angel. One happy and poof!"
"Maybe Spike can't give her a happy,"
Anya said as she stirred a pot of spaghetti sauce. "I
mean, I offered and he wasn't enthusiastic at all."
Buff stepped in before Xander could explode.
"I don't need to guess the topic of conversation."
Anya shrugged. "He's jealous because
he thinks Spike will be giving you orgasms soon and he's not
"Let's talk on the porch." Xander,
for some reason, offered no resistance when Buffy grabbed
his arm and pulled him toward the door.
"She really is amazing," Xander
said, staring into the darkness of the backyard. "Sometimes
I think she does it on purpose just to fluster me."
There were a world of issues to discuss there,
but Buffy chose to sidestep them. "She's not completely
"About Spike?" He shoved his hands
into his pockets. "I figured that, seeing you on the
couch with him. You sure that soul's properly anchored?"
"Yes." The question had come up
between kisses, along with the question of if there was enough
time before everyone came home. "It's not a curse, like
Angel's. The demon's not lurking in there, waiting to get
"The demon's always lurking
in there, Buffy. The soul just gives it a friendlier face.
You're not afraid he's suddenly going to go all sleeper on
you at an awkward moment?"
"I think I might notice if he started
singing or talking to someone who wasn't there, and there's
got to be a way to find out what the trigger is and defuse
it. We just haven't figured it out yet. Look, Xander, I know
you don't like Spike..."
"That is an understatement. Try hate.
Although, I have to admit, Andrew's rapidly closing on him.
No, after this afternoon, I think I hate Andrew more than
She had to laugh. "That bad?"
"Words do not begin to describe it. Look,
you're doing all this to see if I'm okay with you and Spike,
right? I'm not okay. I'm several counties away from being
okay with it. Problem is I don't actually get a say, do I?"
On impulse, Buffy hugged him. "Can you
try to get along?"
"I'll do my best." He hugged back.
"I just hope you're right about him."
Continued in Chapter Two
Read Reviews / Post a Review
Send feedback to Caro | Visit Caro's site | All stories by Caro
Print Version | Formatted Version
Main Site | Plain Text Title Listing | Site Map | Contact