All About Spike - Plain Version
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Spike Lips! Lips of Spike!
By mr. monkeybottoms
DISCLAIMER: ‘Dear Diary...Joss was sitting in the cafeteria today! All I could do was stare at him from behind my pizza pop. He is such a dreamboat! If only he’d break up with that Mutant Enemy company and be mine! And then I could have some money from these damn stories! But he won’t, they are going steady now. I wish I was ME...’
WELL WELL WELL: You are all so greedy! lol Plus Bub is evil, threatening me with a Riley sex-story...the horror! Thank you, guys, for all your encouragement. Can I say it enough?
THE STORY CONTINUES: Spike and Buffy had sex in the Bronze. And on the table. Not to mention that incident in Giles’ tub. Ever hear of a bed you two? Anya and Xander tried to have sex. Anya and Xander argued. Willow heard stuff and didn’t need to hear any more! Spike insisted he was evil!!! Evil I tells ya! No one was scared of him. Poor Spike! Buffy asked him to join the Scoobies. Poor Spike! He pouted, and scowled, and grrr-ed, but finally agreed. It’s not like he has anything better to do...except for Buffy that is. And so, we continue!
"Tell me again why we need him here?" Xander frowned at Spike, who was smirking on the couch across from him, and turned to Giles. "Seriously, he is nothing but a neutered-"
"Neutered puppy. He can't do anything useful anyways." Xander glared at the vamp and pointed at him accusingly. "Look at him. He can't even bite anymore."
Spike leaned forward and hissed, "Wouldn't bite you if you begged me."
Xander looked offended by this and sat back a bit. "So? Like I care. I know I‘m full of yummies, and I can actually still fight."
"Oh, right then, I forgot, I'm the useless one. Because you're so helpful when the fighting starts, all getting pummeled and needing rescuing. Very helpful, that." Spike said, enjoying the furious look on Xander's face, "If I ever need someone to get smacked down and knocked unconscious, I'll know who to call."
"You don't even own a phone you freeloader," Xander snapped.
Spike gave him the finger."Why don't you go and run headfirst into that wall right there and knock yourself out. Save us all some time later on." Spike found this especially amusing, and when Xander grew a strange shade of red, he almost laughed.
"Giles!" Xander turned back to him in hopes of getting some back-up. Instead he found the man wearily pouring himself a glass of scotch.
"Alright you two, stop. You're giving Giles a headache." Anya patted Giles once and backed away. "He's drinking again because of you!"
Giles immediately put his glass down, untouched, before Anya started saying he was a lush. "Yes, um, thank you for that Anya." She smiled at him, pleased.
"Well, I don't want Xander all worked up over Spike again. Last time that happened he couldn't perform in bed and I was angry."
Xander choked and looked down, making Anya pound him on the back in concern. "Anya-"
"No, no, please, tell us more about Xander's...impotence," Spike said snidely.
"Well, " Anya said innocently, "One time he drank too much and-"
"Now Anya, no one wants to hear this." Xander grabbed her hand and pulled her, protesting, off the couch and into the kitchen.
Spike watched them leave, a gleam in his eye. He was still smiling when he looked up to meet Giles' annoyed look. "What?"
Giles sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Spike, just why are you here again?"
Spike stood up and paced the room. "Told you. Slayer said to come. Wants help. Gives me cash. End of story." He walked by Giles and snitched the scotch, tossing it back and replacing it.
"Hmm, well Buffy should be here shortly." Giles turned and reached for his glass. Finding it empty he frowned at the vampire who was once again sitting on his couch. Spike gave him a challenging look and he sighed again. Where the hell was Buffy?
Almost on cue, she walked in. "Ah, Buffy, there you are."
Buffy took in the scene. Giles was holding an empty glass in his hand. Spike was looking smug. Xander and Anya could be heard in the kitchen arguing. "Spike..." He looked at her, innocence itself. She sighed.
“Where’s the rest of the group?”
“Willow is at her Wicca Group meeting. Xander and Anya are, erm, talking.” Giles looked at the box Buffy was holding. “Are those doughnuts? Did you get any jellies?”
“Doughnuts?” Xander said, popping his head from out of the kitchen. “By all means, allow me to rid you of your heavy burden.” He came over and took the box from her with a bow.
“And who said chivalry was dead?" Buffy handed the treats over to him, snagging a jelly before Giles hogged them all.
"Chivalry is dead?!" Anya said, shocked. "But I remember him being so nice. A little on the slimy side, being a cousin of the Chaos demon family, but he was so....polite."
Xander paused in mid-chew and looked at her. "It's a saying honey. Like 'the doctor is in' or 'your payment is overdue'."
Spike reached for a doughnut and frowned. “There’s only the cruller left,”
he complained. “Why would you even buy that one? No one wants to eat something shaped like a giant tractor wheel.”
“Right, cause eating something shaped like a giant human makes so much more
sense,” Xander said sarcastically. Spike gave him a once over look.
“Are you coming on to me Harris? All this talk about my eating preferences is starting to make me feel a little uncomfortable.” His voice dropped, confidingly. “Is there something you need to say to me? Demon-gal just not doing it for you anymore and you need a real man? Cause, as far as I see it, I’m the only real man here.”
“Hey!” Xander and Anya said at the same time. Anya stroked his shoulder soothingly.
“Xander is all man, I’ll have you know. He can have sex anywhere, and anytime! Why, we had sex just an hour ago outside in the-”
Giles coughed. “Let’s not finish that sentence. Please. And, for the record, I’m the man here, you are all just children. Even you,
Spike,” he added as Spike opened his mouth.
Buffy came into the middle of the room, annoyed. “Ok, can we all drop it? I’m getting the wiggins with the sex talk and the manly talk.” She shuddered. “Besides, I have some good news.”
“Oh yeah? I like good news.” Xander leaned forward, arms on his knees. “Fess up Buff. What’s the what?”
Buffy took a deep breath and gave a small smile. “Spike is joining the Scoobies.”
“Well, that’s good.” Anya beamed at Spike, first to say anything. “Now you can patrol instead of Xander and we can have more time together. To have
sex,” she added, in case no one knew what she meant. Spike grimaced.
Xander didn’t even blink. “What do you mean he’s-” he made finger quotes in the air, “’Joining’ the group?”
“Joining,” Buffy said. “You know, joining? Like, helping? Fighting along side with us when we patrol?” Xander stared at her, blankly.
Giles stepped forward. “I for one think it’s a marvelous idea.” Spike leaned forward from the couch. “Even if it is Spike.”
Spike sat back again.
“Wait.” Xander stood up, flustered. “You mean to tell me I have to see him every night?”
“Oh please, like you don’t see me every night in your dreams anyways.” Spike scoffed, studying his nails. Xander lunged at him, knocking the two of them to the floor. “Oi! Cut it out! Stop touching me you pervert!”
he yelled as they rolled about, holding Xander‘s arms so he couldn‘t hit him. Someone’s foot hit the
end table and a lamp crashed down, smashing loudly. Giles sighed.
“This is going much better than I expected,” Buffy said.
Willow chose this moment to walk in, followed closely by a girl Buffy had never seen before.
“Will!” Buffy called over the racket, and waved her over. Another crash and a table tipped.
“Buffy, hi!” Willow came over, avoiding the tangle of limbs yelling curses at each other. “What’s going on?” She pulled her friend over by the hand. “Oh, uh, this is Tara.”
Some records slid off the shelf and Giles started towards the fighters, eyes cold.
“Oh oh,” Buffy said. “Hold that thought please.” She went over to Xander and Spike just in time to see Spike pull back and punch Xander in the face, hard. The two collapsed in pain simultaneously. She grabbed each one by the scruffs of their necks and threw them onto the couch. “Sit! And shut up.” Turning, she went back to Willow and her friend.
“Tara, hi, so nice to meet you.” She shook her hand and Tara ducked her head shyly.
“I’ve heard so much about you,” Tara whispered, giving the group a small smile.
Giles came over. “Hello. And we’ve heard so much about you,” he answered, polite as ever.
Anya scoffed. “We’ve never heard of her, what are you talking about?” The room fell silent and looked at her. She looked back blankly. Her eyes widened. “I mean...ohhh...yes!” She gave Tara a blinding smile. “We’ve heard so much about you too!”
“Tara is a Wicca too.” Willow jumped in before Anya said anything else. “A very powerful Wicca!” Tara looked embarrassed and shook her head.
“Oh! N-no, I’m n-not all that powerful.” She looked at Willow, eyes proud. “Willow is the one with the power. I could never be as strong as she is.”
The group looked at Willow in surprise.
“Powerful?” Anya asked, puzzled. “What do you me-” Xander cleared his throat. Anya shut up and gave another bright smile instead. “Good for you!”
Spike looked at the two girls standing beside each other and smirked despite the throbbing in his head. “So? You two practice the arts together do you?"
Willow nodded, completely missing his insinuation. “Today we found out if we combined our powers we can do so much more! Instead of floating a stupid pencil, we levitated ourselves! Tara is amazing!” Tara blushed at the compliment and looked down, hair falling over her face a little.
Spike snorted. “Hmmm...sounds very feminist. Go girl power.” Buffy frowned at him and he rolled his eyes but shut up.
Giles looked interested and motioned towards the couch for them to sit. “Please, make yourself comfortable. Tea?”
he asked. He moved towards the kitchen, his foot stepping on a record with a loud crunch. “Oh dear lord.”
Xander looked down. “Zenyatta Mondatta?”
Giles glared. “Yes. The Police. Only the greatest band to ever come out of England.” He looked at the shards beneath his feet and rubbed his glasses furiously.
“The Police?” Xander said. “What did they do?”
Spike gave a laugh. “You don’t know their work? ‘Every Breath You Take?’” He looked meaningfully at Buffy, eyes intense. “A song about true love?”
“That’s a stalker song, not a love song,” Anya said. “Sting told me so.”
“You met Sting?” Xander asked, excited.
“Oh. Yes.” Anya shrugged. “He’s a demon. We used to hang out sometimes.”
Buffy gasped. “Sting’s a demon?”
Anya looked surprised. “Well, of course he is. How do you think he stays so young looking? Not to mention so successful after going solo. I mean, his first few albums were good, but after that only magic could make people actually buy his stuff.”
Giles swept up the shattered remains of his album and stood up. “Well, never the less, now we have two new additions to our group. I’d say we are getting rather powerful. A Watcher, “ He smiled, motioning towards himself, “The Slayer, two witches, an ex-demon, a vampire and...erm...” He looked at Xander. “You.”
Willow looked at Giles. “We have a vampire?” She looked around, nervously. “Is Angel back?”
Spike jumped up. “No, the nancyboy is not back. He’s talking about me.” He stood in front of the two witches and grinned. “Meet the newest addition to your little party.”
Continued in Chapter eleven
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