Disclaimer: "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", ďAngelĒ and all characters are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and various other people and companies. Not me. I make no money from this.
Summary: Decades in the future, Spike thinks about why he's doing what he's doing. I wrote this before the end of Season Six and before I knew what would happen to him, so he's just chipped.
Itís not even about her, any more. She died, finally, many years ago. I could say itís for Dawn, but sheís old now. She got herself a husband and a family and a normal life, and thereís very little to remind her that she was once an energy blob, that she had a sister who died to save her, that any of the demons and the darkness really exists. I used to stop by and see her, every once in a while Ė but we didnít talk so much, and hubby didnít appreciate it, and it was too easy for her to believe it was all real, what with me being the same as always. So I am reduced, once more, to loitering beneath the tree in her front lawn.
The last time she sought me out was when her daughter started growing up, and she got it into her head that the kid would turn out a Slayer. I tried to convince her that it wouldnít work that way, but she didnít listen to me. I was right, as it turned out Ė Lizzy got away scot-free. Possibly because when she got to the danger age I looked up the current Slayer, and protected her with everything I had until Lizzy turned eighteen. That was a fun time.
But like I was saying; itís not about her, any more. Itís not even about the chip. I have no idea whether or not the damn thing is still working. I havenít tested it in at least a decade. I would love for it to be about her. I would adore it if I could be the tragic hero, fighting the good fight in memory of my lady love. I wouldnít even mind (whisper it) if I was a tortured soul working for redemption like that wanker Angelus is still. Nah. Not me. I got no reason to be doing what Iím doing, save maybe I got used to it while I was palling around with the Slayer.
Not exactly a reason, is it? But Iím not being blackmailed and yet Iím not actively trying to do evil deeds. The only other reason I can think of is that I; Spike, William the Bloody, killer of two Slayers; have become one of the good guys. And Iím damn sure thatís never going to happen. I donít think God would let it.
So itís habit. Thatís all. Habit that keeps me risking my neck to protect the innocent. Habit that keeps me going out there night after night to do what I can against the encroaching darkness. Habit.