All About Spike

Telly Time
By astraea

“So what do we want to watch? I vote video!” said Dawn eagerly.

“We’re not watching crap!” said Spike with resolution.

“As if! Oooh - ‘You Got Mail’ is on TV!”

“No!” Spike looked disturbed. Easy to get out-voted around here. Bloody women. He noticed two cross faces glaring at him. “Did I say that out loud?”

They ignored him.

“I’ve seen it before,” Buffy sounded regretful. “And I wanna get a video.”

“Let me guess. Slushy romantic nonsense!” said Spike scathingly.

“Well, we could get the horror and the violence, but wait – that’s real life!”

“But it’s fun!” he argued. “And you’re the bloody Slayer. You should want to watch violence!”

“Slayers have layers too, you know!”

“Ah yes. Slayers are like onions.” Spike grinned broadly.

“Hey!” Buffy retorted, bashing him with a cushion.

“It’s a quote!” he laughed, fending her off.

“She’s never seen Shrek,” explained Dawn.

“What?” Spike sounded shocked. “How can you not….it’s the best film ever!”

“Yes. Because I don’t spend enough of my life dealing with big ugly monsters!” She looked at him pointedly.

“He’s just misunderstood!” said Spike defensively. Buffy snorted in derision.

“Okay. We have to watch Shrek!” said Dawn excitedly.

“I have it on DVD,” admitted Spike.

“You own Shrek? You have DVD? God, I shouldn’t even ask, should I?” Buffy shook her head in despair.

“I’ll be back in ten minutes, ladies,” he said jumping up. “Make some popcorn, will you, pet?” He grabbed her by the waist and planted a kiss on the top of her head as he strolled past.

“You two are so cute when you’re squabbling!” said Dawn happily, arranging herself on the couch. “And I’d like melted butter on my popcorn, if you please?”

Buffy groaned and left for the kitchen.


“Come on Buffy, some of us are ready in here!” called Dawn.

She emerged with two bowls of popcorn.

“This one’s buttery – you’re disgusting, by the way! – and this one’s normal. And if you want anything to do with blood you can get it yourself!” She glared at Spike.

“What kind of monster do you think I am?” he asked with a grin, sliding an arm around her waist and leaning in for popcorn.

“No smooching, you two!” said Dawn warningly. “Okay, film starting.”


“That’s the best film of all time?”

“What?” screeched Dawn. “How could you not love it?”

“I’ve seen way to many big green monsters in real life,” sighed Buffy. “And they aren’t funny or cute or sweet! Singing monsters are even worse!”

“Oh, you’re such a cynic!” huffed Dawn.

“She’s Lord Farquad!” guffawed Spike, causing Dawn to giggle.

“I can see why you’d like it,” Buffy turned patronisingly to Spike.

“Oh yeah?” he challenged.

“Poor old monster, lives in his big crypty place in the middle of a cemetery…”

“Swamp,” corrected Spike. “Did you even watch the film?”

“In a swampy place,” she continued. “All alone, no friends, cranky and mean with poor personal hygiene…”

“Hey!” yelped Spike indignantly, grabbing her arms and throwing her back into the cushions.

“And rude and antisocial and..” she gasped as he attempted to smother her with a cushion.

“And he falls in love with the princess and stops being a pain in the ass,” Dawn put in, laughing at their antics.

“That’s gotta be fiction!” managed Buffy.

“And then the princess fell in love back, and started to stay in more with her little sister!” Dawn elaborated further.

“And then,” said Spike with a glint in his eye, “The princess turned into a big, green, ugly monster too! I wonder will we be able to see the difference?” he said, beginning to tickle her.

“Gettof me!” she giggled.

“Oh, get a room,” said Dawn, flicking through TV stations.

The phone rang.

“Will you get that, Dawnie?” begged Buffy, still trying to fight Spike off.

“Yeah, Bit. Tell’em Big Sis is all tied up.”

“Ew! Going now. But just don’t even think about getting too comfortable there!”

“I think we’re corrupting her,” sighed Buffy, kissing him.

“Don’t blame me. Apparently I’m a good influence – I make you stay home!” he smirked. “Princess,” he added.

“We shouldn’t watch films any more. I’ve just been made realise that my life is a Disney film. That can’t be a good, can it?”

“You mean, your life is a fairytale!” he corrected. “Actually, it’s probably a porn film.”

“Hey! Little sister! Corruption of youth!” She clasped a hand over his mouth. He bit her lightly and laughed at her shocked expression.


“Big green monsters, huh? Maybe you should tell them yourself. They won’t believe me. I am serious!”

Dawn peered around the door to see Spike brushing popcorn off himself and yelling ‘That was the buttery stuff, bitch!’”

“Yup. They’re kinda busy. Busy in no way battling evil…….Hey guys!” she yelled at them. “You’ll never guess what Xander’s found!”

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