All About Spike

Weird Love
By Fit of Pique and Saussy

Written for wiseacress's Halloween Ficathon 2003

Anya placed the small bag with its brightly colored contents inside the circle and lit the candles and the bundle of herbs. She moved the smoking orris and cinnamon clockwise over the bag and chanted the words of the incantation nine times. A flash of soft pink light, the worst ever case of staticky hair, and a tingly feeling in her molars told her that the spell had been cast. She smiled smugly to herself. Things with Xander were going to change. There would be no more, “wham, bam, thank you for the blowjob, ma'am.” There would be love. And devotion. Not to mention lots and lots of orgasms. And she couldn't be happier about it.


Xander doled out candy to Winnie the Pooh, Tigger and Piglet and closed the door with a sigh. Being exposed to so much cute in one night made his teeth ache. Or maybe that was all the chocolate he'd eaten in the past couple of hours. There was also a chance it had something to do with the teeth grinding that went hand in hand with Spike sitting. It was hard to say.

Right on cue, Spike started up again. "Bloody hell, Harris! I don't know why I have to spend the whole night chained up in here. Giles hasn't bothered in soddin' ages."

Xander sauntered down the hall, leaned casually against the doorjamb of the bathroom and grinned at Spike, who was glaring up at him from the tub.

"True. But you wouldn't want to deny me one of the few pleasures this evening will afford, would you?" Damn it was fun to mock a chipless vampire. And the groaning and head grabbing that occurred whenever Spike thought a little too hard about sinking his fangs into Xander's throat? Gold. Pure gold.

Spike looked him over from head to toe, tongue curled behind his teeth. "So, chaining men up is your idea of a good time is it, whelp? You're kinkier than I'd imagined."

"Hey! There will be no imagining of me of any kind, Chippy. Knock it off, or I'll turn off the TV."

“You wouldn’t.” Spike looked indignant. “It’s The Great Pumpkin.”

Xander shook his head. “Some vampire you turned out to be, Spike. Cartoons?”

“What the hell’ve you been giggling over in there, then?”

Xander hesitated. “Charlie Brown.”

Spike smirked and leaned back, wrapping his hands smugly around one knee. “Thought so. Now listen mate, just let me out of these chains, and we can watch together.” At Xander’s bemused silence, he added, “And I’ll answer the door for the brats. No tricks. I promise.”


Five minutes later, Xander was making popcorn and heating blood in Giles’ microwave while Spike watched the end credits roll on The Great Pumpkin. He was sitting on the couch with his ankles hobbled. A chain led from one heavy iron cuff to the banister, giving him just enough play to walk between the living room and front door when the bell rang. Which it then did.


“Bloody hell.” Spike got up and shuffle-stepped over to the foyer, snatching the candy bowl off the stairs before yanking the door open with a snarl, fangs dropping.

“Eeeeeeeeeee!” A tiny mermaid and her mother cowered behind the ficus on Giles’ front stoop.

“Spike!” Xander’s voice from the kitchen. “I thought we said no tricks.”

“Oh. Right.” Spike smiled and let his face smooth out. “Hello little girl, missus. What’ll it be? Razor blades or eyeballs?” He swirled his hand around the bowl but came up with only wrappers. “Oi! Harris, you ate all the treats!”

“Crap." Xander dropped the piping hot bag of popcorn on the counter and sucked on his fingers. "Let me see if Giles has anything.” He began frantically opening cabinets. “Okay, we’ve got a few packets of Bovril...a half-squeezed tube of something called marmite...and Earl Grey tea bags.”

“Giles uses bag tea? Wanker.”

Xander hurried out to the living room and skidded to a stop at the door, shoving Spike out of the way. He smiled at the cowering mermaid and dropped a few packets of Bovril and the marmite in her orange plastic pumpkin. She looked up at her mom and started to cry. Xander said “Happy Halloween!” and quickly shut the door.

“Dammit, Spike!”

“What did I do? S’not my fault you ate all the bleedin’ mini Hersheys!”

“I was hungry! I’m a growing boy.”

“Going to start growing out instead of up if you keep–”

The sound of tiny fists pounding wood interrupted Spike mid-snark. They turned as one to stare at the door. The banging started again, more urgent this time.

“Oh! Oh! I’ve got something.” Xander knelt and started pawing through his backpack, triumphantly pulling out an orange plastic bag covered in grinning black pumpkins. “Anya made me a Halloween treat bag. We can give the kids something from this and then turn out the lights and hide.”

Spike raised an eyebrow.

“Hide in a manly way, I mean.”

Spike grabbed the bag and opened the door to another piercing chorus of, “Trick or Treat!” He nodded to the parents standing proudly at the other side of the courtyard and doled out Smarties, Chupa Chups and little chocolate bars to a tiger, a ladybug, and the world’s tiniest vampire, complete with widow’s peak, plastic fangs, and fake blood dribbling from his mouth. Spike paused before dropping candy into his outstretched pillowcase.

“The real Dracula’s a right bastard, you know. Owes me eleven bloody pound. Plus interest.”

The littlest bloodsucker nodded solemnly. Spike patted him on the head and gave him an extra Snickers bar.

“Toddle on home now, kiddies!” Spike called to their retreating backs. “Never know when you’ll meet a real vampire,” he grumbled. Spike slammed the door and locked it while Xander pulled the curtains closed and turned out the lights. They collapsed on the couch at the same time, Spike’s chains clanking against each other.

“So. What now?”

“Well. What’s left in the bag?” Xander tried to peer inside and Spike snatched it to his chest. “Hey!”

“Don’t be grabby.” Spike dumped the remaining treats on the cushion between them and separated the candy into two piles. Three Tootsie Pops and a plastic Ziplock of candy corn for him, Starburst and Now and Laters for the boy.

“Candy corn’s mine, Spike.” Xander made a grab for it but Spike was quicker. “Anya knows it’s my favourite!”

“Tough noogies.” Spike opened the bag and picked out two orange and yellow triangles and jammed them on his canines. He made a grr face and then tongued the candy off his teeth.

“Can’t I…?”

“Ah, no.” Spike dumped the rest in his mouth and chewed, grinning around his bulging cheeks.

“Nice, Spike. I bet you were a pleasure to know as a child.” Xander unwrapped a Now and Later and popped it in his mouth. “I bet the concept of sharing was real big with you.”

“Didn’t have to share, actually,” Spike said, and swallowed. “ I was an only child." He turned to look at Xander and his eyes were shining. “Like you. I’m sorry, Xander. You can have my Tootsie Pops.”

“Whatever, Spike. I’m calling Anya and putting you back in the tub. Fun’s over.” Xander started to get up.

“No! Nononono.” Spike picked up the remote from the coffee table and started clicking through the channels. “Oh! Look here. You like this one, yeah? Evil kid. Mysterious deaths. That bit with the priest and the pitchfork? Sit tight, I'll just get your popcorn." Spike stood up abruptly, took three labored steps toward the kitchen, and collapsed on his face when the length of chain ran out. He was on his feet in an instant. Xander grabbed his arm and pulled him back down onto the couch.

“Spike! What the hell’s gotten in to you? Just...sit and be quiet. We’ll watch the damn movie.”

Spike looked at him gratefully. “I’ll be good. Promise.” He mimed zipping his lips and throwing away the key.

Xander tried to focus on The Omen, but he couldn't help noticing that something way creepier was happening in his peripheral vision. Spike was staring at him.

"Spike? What the hell are you looking at? Are you ogling my neck?"

"Nothing. No." Spike turned his face to the TV and drummed a beat on his knee. "Good part coming up.”

“I swear, if you’re up to something…”

“You gonna call demon girl then?" Spike asked in a bored tone, eyes locked forward.

"Nah. Anya's staying in tonight. She's...washing her hair."

"Uh huh." Spike smiled in a satisfied way. "And you believed that?"

"What are you getting at Spike?"

"Nothing. Just. I didn't think you two could keep your hands off each other. Trouble in paradise?"

Xander sighed and shook his head. He couldn’t believe he was having this conversation with Spike. "If you must know, she's not very happy with me at the moment."

Spike turned his whole body to face Xander and waited for the boy to say more. He was feeling sort of hot and prickly all over. He licked his lips and watched Xander's mouth.

"You feeling alright Spike? Cause I've seen candy corn overdose, and it's not pretty. If you're going to yack, I'll unchain you."

"Yeah yeah." Spike rubbed his forehead. He was definitely feeling off. "Maybe you'd better."

Xander reached in his pocket for the key and bent his head beside Spike's knees to unlock the cuffs. Spike felt inexplicably drawn to Xander's shiny hair. He reached out a hand and pushed a dark lock behind his ear. Xander jumped back and his skull connected with Spike’s chin, hard.

"Ow! And hey! Why the hell are you touching me? Hands off, mister!” His voice was a little shrill.

Spike drew his hand back, quick, like he’d been burned. “Sorry! Sorry.” He shook his head. He really had no bloody idea what possessed him to...what the hell was that, anyway? He tucked his hands into his armpits and sank back into the couch, wilting under Xander’s glare.

“Okay. You? Are freaking me out, and I really think you might be ill, so I’m going to take these off. But if you’re fucking with me Spike, I will stake you.”

"M'not fucking with you," Spike said into his chest.

"Okay then."

Spike’s shoulders sagged with relief as Xander unlocked the cuffs. At least he hadn’t totally bollixed things up. He took the chance of removing his hands from his armpits to rub at his chafed ankles, discreetly peering up at Xander. He looked okay, not too pissed. Spike sat up and turned so that he was resting his back against the arm of the couch, one eye on the telly, the other on Harris, who had unwrapped a Tootsie Pop and was sucking at the orange candy shell in a most intriguing way.

What the hell? Spike’s trousers felt a bit tight. He shifted around on the couch, trying to get comfy, but with Xander orally pleasuring his sucker like he was bloody born to it, there was no chance of that. And Christ was it hot in here all of a sudden. He stood up with his back to Xander, pulled off his button front and casually tucked his hard-on into a more bearable position before sitting back down.

Spike watched the electrons dance in front of his eyes and thought about Xander. His dark eyes, his soft mouth, his crooked grin and the way it lit up his face. He started composing a short verse in his head:

I do not wish to drool or pander
but oh, my darling, Alexander
when I look into your chocolate orbs...


Spike jumped. Xander’s voice, loud and accusing, had startled him out of his sweet reverie. Xander looked all glowery and manly and Spike just wanted to suck that pouty bottom lip into his mouth. He gave Xander his most winning smile and cocked his head. “What’s wrong, pet?”

“You! You’re all…weird. With the staring and the mumbling about orbs…and did you just call me pet?”

“I don’t know, love. Maybe.”

“I am not your love or your pet, you blood-sucking freak! Are you totally high? Did you get into Giles's secret stash?”

That got Spike’s attention. “Giles has a secret stash? That I don’t know about?”

"Yeah." Xander relaxed a bit and sat back. "He thinks we're clueless, but Will and I figured out ages ago that the box in the magic chest marked, DANGEROUS! DO NOT TOUCH! is Giles's stockpile of 'magic' weed."

Spike clapped his hands sharply and started rubbing them together with manic glee. “Alright Rupert. Well, what are we waiting for? Lead on, Nelson!”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Spike. You’re already taking strange to a whole new level. I don’t think you need any–”

Xander’s words stuck in his throat when Spike smiled hungrily and closed the short distance between them, trapping him against the couch back.

"I may not need it, but you might. Help you…relax a bit, yeah?” He ran his hand lightly down Xander’s chest and leaned in a bit further, so their faces were only inches apart. Xander smelled so good and looked so adorable, all confused and cringing like. Spike couldn't hold back any longer.

"Xander, can I.…" Then he leaned in and kissed him, ever so gently, just brushing his lips on Xander's and coming away with a taste of orange and chocolate.

"Whoa." Xander tried to push Spike away, but his hand felt weak, and it wasn't so much a shove as a pat. Spike just smiled and leaned in for another kiss, this time pressing harder and working Xander's mouth open slightly, darting his tongue out to taste that succulent bottom lip.

Xander's cock twitched and he thought he heard a low moan coming from the vicinity of his throat, and that was enough to send his wiggins into overdrive. "SPIKE!" He stood up, pushing Spike over sideways onto the couch. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Spike stood slowly, almost shyly, glancing up at Xander from underneath his brows. "I just...I'm sorry, Xander. I couldn't help myself. You're...wonderful." Spike edged closer, putting a hand over Xander's heart.

"Stay back fiend!" Xander cried, without much energy. It almost sounded like a question.

Spike leaned in again, eyes sparking with...what was that?

"Is this a trick?" Xander asked, quietly, inclining his head slightly toward Spike. "Or..."

Spike kissed him again, and this time, Xander kissed back, throwing common sense and perhaps sanity to the wind, sliding his arm around Spike's waist, tilting his head and parting his lips. Spike broke away long enough to whisper, "Treat," but his mouth was back on Xander's before he could draw air into his lungs. Xander didn't care though. Spike could really kiss.

Spike's hand slid from his chest down to his jeans and his fingers curled under the waistband, just inches away from Xander's most prized possession, which jumped in anticipation. His hand slid to Spike's hip and they were...oh God. They were grinding against each other and Spike's fingers were tugging at the button of his jeans and...

The door swung open and Giles, Buffy, and Willow burst in, Giles flicking on the lights with a flourish. "Trick or..."

Spike and Xander froze, foreheads pressed together, hands in naughty places. Xander had lost the ability to speak. Or move apparently. He couldn't pull himself away from Spike, in spite of the fact that the Scoobies were staring at them like they'd been caught performing a ritual sacrifice of innocent kittens.

Spike didn't take his eyes off Xander. "Treat," he muttered again, nuzzling his cheek.

"What, honey? I mean - Jesus!" Xander shoved him away and pulled a face like he'd just swallowed a cockroach. "What the hell are you doing, Spike? Giles, guys, thank god you're here. Spike was just trying to..."

Giles, Buffy and Willow just stared at him, open-mouthed. Spike had taken Xander's hand again, and Xander wasn't pulling away.

"What," Buffy said. "Trying to stop you from shoving your tongue down his throat?"

"It does look a, Xander." Willow said, looking sort of freaked but apologetic, too.

"You two broke into my secret stash, didn't you?" Giles walked over to the magic chest and knelt down to examine the lock.

"Okay, I don't know what happened here tonight...exactly...but come on! It must have been a spell. Look at him!" Spike was playing with Xander's fingers and gazing into his eyes.

"Xander is right." Giles stood and polished his glasses. "Spike is clearly acting strangely. Or, more strangely than usual, and what’s more, he seems to be romantically fixated on Xander, of all people."

"Hey!" From Spike. "Just what are you implying about Xander?" Spike took a step toward Giles without dropping Xander's hand.

"Yeah!" Xander felt indignant for a second, then shook his head and looked up at the ceiling. "God, what the hell is wrong with me?" he murmured.

"Okay, whoa." Buffy took a step toward Spike and poked him in the chest with her finger. "What is this, William? Five words or less, or my fist makes an appearance, followed by Mr. Pointy."

Spike glared at her. Raised his right hand while the other gripped Xander's more tightly and counted off with his fingers. "I. Love. Xander. Bloody. Harris."

Buffy paused, hands on hips, seemingly at a loss for words. "Okay, it's definitely a spell. Willow? What did you do?"

“Hey! It wasn’t me this time!”

Buffy stared in horror at Spike, who had moved in close to Xander’s side and was nuzzling his shoulder, eyes closed, a blissful expression on his face. Xander just shrugged and giggled.

“Well, we better figure out who did do it, because I don’t think I can stomach much more of this.”

“Quite.” Giles walked to the bar, poured himself a whiskey and took a long swallow. “But who would want…well, this?” He gestured helplessly toward Spike and Xander, who had turned to face each other and were whispering quietly. One of Xander’s hands clasped the nape of Spike’s neck and was ruffling up the hair at the base of his skull. Giles groaned.

Willow sidled over to Giles and took a sip from his glass. “I don’t know, guys. I mean, yeah, it’s weird and kind of…icky. But it's also....Aw, look at them! Puppies!”

Buffy gaped at her friend. “I am looking at them. And it’s gross, and it has to stop. Giles, make them stop!”

"Okay. Let's think. Who would've cast the spell? Who had the knowledge? The motive?"

"Um, Giles?” Willow tore her eyes away from the adorable scene. “I think I might know. Anya was complaining to me the other day about how Xander never wants to cuddle know. And that he wasn' her I need to keep going?"

"No, no, Willow, that's quite enough. So you think Anya cast a love spell on Spike and Xander?"

"Well, considering only Spike seems to be affected...although, Xander?…Maybe she put the spell on something, not on someone, and Spike touched it before Xander did."

"Ah! Like food."

Xander had overheard their conversation and was turning toward them, gently removing Spike's hands from his waist. "Or candy. Spike ate some of the Halloween candy that Anya gave me. A whole bag of candy corn."

Giles moved to his writing desk, picked up the phone and dialed with brisk efficiency. “I’ll call her,” he said, wincing at Spike’s troubled expression.

* * *

Willow tucked her feet underneath her on the sofa and picked up her tea from the coffee table. She looked expectantly at Giles. “So, Anya said the spell would wear off in a few days?”

“Yes, exactly. A few days and everything should be back to normal.” Giles glanced at Buffy and smiled. “Relatively speaking, of course.”

“That’s good.” Willow turned to look at Xander, who was sitting next to her on the couch. Spike was on the other side of him, practically on his lap. “It’s good, right Xander?”

Xander looked at her. “Oh yeah. Good news. My girlfriend casts a spell on me that accidentally makes Spike fall in love with me. But hey, it’ll all be over in a few days. No big.” He didn’t realize he was holding Spike’s hand, stroking the palm with his thumb.

“It’s bollocks, is what it bloody well is,” Spike said, raising his head from Xander’s shoulder. “It might have started with a spell, but I see you now. Really see you. And I like what I see.”

Xander blushed and dropped his head. Spike leaned in and pressed a kiss to his neck.

Giles glanced at Buffy and noticed that her hand was worrying the stake she kept in her jacket pocket. He looked around for something that would provide distraction. Ah! Right. “Well then, why don’t we make the most of a bad...or...slightly awkward situation?” He reached for his guitar case and opened the clasps. “Any requests?”

* * *

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year

Buffy seethed. The way Spike was gazing at Xander while Giles sang his embarrassing old guy music was driving her crazy! Why didn’t anyone ever look at her like that? Not that that was what was bothering her. As if! Sure, it'd be nice to have someone be that into her. But this was Spike! And Xander! And together they gave new meaning to the word disturbing. Especially when Spike leaned over and kissed Xander full on the mouth, holding his face in his hands. Ew! And Giles was really belting it out now. It was horrifying. Almost as bad as the time that he and her mom....Best not to go there. Best just to head home before she gave into her homicidal urges and killed Spike. And Xander. And also Giles. Willow could live.

“You’re going, Buffy?” Giles asked, strumming a minor chord.

“I’ve had enough of this freak show. Sorry, Giles. Will?”

Willow looked sweetly at Spike and Xander and got up to find her coat.

“Xander, call me, if you need…”

“I will, Willow. Thanks. I’ll be fine. Big fluffy puppy here, remember?”

Spike nestled deeper into Xander’s side.

When the girls had gone, Giles cleared his throat. “Xander, there is the question of…sleeping arrangements.”

Spike perked up at that. His eyes bored into Xander’s, fear wrestling with anticipation.

Xander thought about leaving him here, to sleep on the couch, alone, and pining, and his heart broke a little. “I think I’ll take him home. Just don’t tell the others, okay?”

Giles nodded and smiled. “If you say so.”

Spike looked at Xander and couldn’t believe his good fortune. His beautiful boy. He raised their entwined hands and kissed each of Xander’s knuckles lovingly, then tucked in tight and closed his eyes with a happy sigh.

Xander felt…weird, yes. But happy. He looked down at Spike snuggling into him, hand resting on his thigh, face turned into his chest. He thought about his soft, sweet mouth and his bright blue eyes. He thought about the powerful muscles currently at rest, the smooth white skin underneath those clothes....Oh yeah, he was definitely taking Spike home. He’d keep him as long as he could.

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