All I Want
Summary: Angel. Spike. Angst. Sex. Kind of poetic. Angel POV.
Post Season 6 of BtVS.
My first A/S, so yes please.
Disclaimer: Characters and lyrics are not mine.
To Lara Dean-Brierley Ė this is all your fault.
For Xana Ė you know why.
say you'll give me
in a moon of blindness
river in a time of dryness
harbour in the tempest
You say you want (Ö)
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold
All the promises we break
From the cradle to the
When all I want
All I Want Is You, U2
I run my tongue over your skin, recalling the taste of
coolness and forbidden, of temptation and memory. You taste of salt and
sweetness, even in this, a collection of contradictions. Jagged edges and
tender core. Always so easy to hurt if you know where to cut.
And I do know, donít I? I peeled off the crusts so
that only the thinnest layer of protection was ever allowed to form. So soft,
so breakable. How does the song go? You break just like a little girl. And I
donít want to break you again.
Iíll be quiet this time, Iíll be careful. Iíll lick
the tears that drop on your chest and I wonít scare you away. Iíll take the
pain back into myself and I wonít tell of my hidden longings and of how much I
missed you. You wouldnít believe me now, would you, my love? There was a time
when you wouldíve believed anything Iíd tell you, remember? Even the lies, you
were so desperate for those.
It wouldnít be a lie now but youíd sneer at me and let
the ice mask cover your face. And I need the fire now to warm me up, I can go
without it no longer.
I know we canít recover what we once had - even as you
sigh in pleasure, inside you hurt and Iím partially to blame for this new pain
too, this madness that threatens to overtake you. Iíve known it too in those
first years and it shames me to admit that this soul youíve sought out to be
worthy of her is the reason Iíve allowed you in. I wouldnít have otherwise,
couldnít stain my self-righteous integrity loving a demon.
Everything always comes back to me, isnít it? Stupid,
egotistical, arrogant creature I am, always leaving, always abandoning,
deserter, traitor, putting the blunders behind me and shutting eyes and ears
and turning my back. I did it to you and I did it to her. One hundred years and
it seems I didnít learn a goddamn thing.†
I did worse to the others. Oh, they were demons, I know. But they were
also family. They were mother and son. Dam and Childe. Iím killing my family
again, Will. Do you think I wouldĎve killed my human sons and daughters if I
had had any?
I want to ask you these things. I want you to tell me
Iím not such a monster because here you are. You still live and I didnít kill
you, did I? But I know what would your answer be. Youíd look at me with those
eyes of yours and youíd say without words that Iíve taken everything instead
and left you with nothing. Iíve failed you every other way. Where was I when
hopelessness brought you to your enemiesí door? In your eyes the question would
be would you have taken me in then? Thatís the measure of your faith,
that youíd sooner trust a mortal enemy than ask for my help. No, I didnít kill
you. Not yet, youíd say. And the only reason youíre here is because Iím
the only one left. And maybe youíve come looking for death.
So I know this doesnít mean forgiveness. That what I
give now doesnít make up for what I took then.
But let me give it to you once again, let me trace
your neck with my mouth and scrape blunt teeth over the mark there, let me
renew my claim, donít be afraid, the demon is securely tucked away because
thereís no perfect happiness to be achieved here.
Let me overlook a lifetime of mistakes and ill-fated
decisions as you shiver beneath me and your eyes beg me to continue, donít
stop, your voice so low and Iíve always loved your voice. Let me
crush your lips in a fierce kiss as if I can swallow you whole, coax your mouth
open and drink in the moans and whimpers.
My heart is pleading -- make him mine, make him mine
again, give me back my wayward childe, my flesh and blood, this enrapturing
creature of dream and nightmare, of crystal eyes and marble skin, give me back
that sweet devotion and infuriating disdain, that heavenly body and devilish
Return to me, return to me for I love you still and
Iíve always have, how could I have not, forgive me never having said so before,
forgive the one-hundred years I wasnít there to caress you just so, making you
gasp when I close my fingers around you and set the rhythm of this eternal
dance that binds us together.
Let me walk down the path of the senses, let my mouth
recover your taste, let me hear you cry out my name in needful sobs, rock your
hips in helpless abandonment so I can once again press you down and hold you
still, give me the scent of your lust, your ambrosial arousal, let desire guide
us, let me worship this miracle of my own creation, this viciousness and this
pureness, this new soul and this old mind, battered and scarred and, after so
long, youíre still the same boy that bewildered me for twenty years a lifetime
ago, still the same eagerness to love that sparkled such possessiveness in me,
such a wish to corrupt this sacred tender sentiment, only to find myself
caught, blinded by the event horizon where darkness and light meet in glorious
I need you back, let me, let me inside, it is not
capitulation and this time Iíll make no promises so I wonít break them, just
give yourself, give in, surrender to me, just this once, just for now, shatter
in my arms and Iíll make you whole again, I wonít fail you this time.
Lie down in the aftermath and whisper you
belong to me. Lie to me if you must, but let me cuddle close around you, give
me these few precious hours, let me be your haven tonight.
For all I want is you.
~~ Finis ~~