NOTE: this is a parody fic.
“Yo, homey, what up wit dis?” Buffy said, trying her best to communicate with Principal Wood on a level she thought he’d understand even though he came from a much nicer neighborhood, had a better education, and dressed inifintely nicer than the Slayer or any of her friends. “This shit ain’t DOPE.” Buffy waved the bright yellow flyer under Principal Wood’s nose.
Principal Wood shrugged. “The whole town’s doing it, not just the high school. I think it’s all about working through our problems, facing the past, and moving on into the future.”
“God-DAYUM,” Buffy sighed. She pinned the flyer to her wall: BRING YOUR EX-SIGNIFICANT OTHER TO WORK DAY.
“This calls for a Scooby meeting,” she grumbled before sitting at her desk, waiting to help solve the problems of ungrateful teens everywhere.
“Well, I can’t. I’m so gay now I don’t recognize Oz as a true significant other,” Willow said later that evening, looking quite sorry for herself. “And my other one is dead.”
“Oh yeah. Whatshername. Hmm.” Buffy rolled her eyes and looked at Xander. “What about you? You have quite a few to choose from.”
Xander frowned. “You’re one to talk! Who’s it gonna be for you? Captain Brooding, Captain Cardboard, or Captain Peroxide?”
“Can’t you think of any other way to insult my ex-boyfriends, you tool?”
“No, not really.”
“Stop! Please stop! I can’t take all this disharmony!” Willow cried as she got down on the ground, sat cross-legged, and began to chant OM at the top of her lungs.
“Ooooh, don’t want to piss you off, you might try to have the earth eat me up again,” Buffy snapped.
“Hello? Contrite Now!” Willow said. “I thought you got over that ‘tried to kill you and your loved ones’ thing.”
Buffy rolled her eyes. She knew what had to be done.
“Class, this is my ex-boyfriend, Spike.”
“Kibbles and bits!” Spike screamed for no reason. Buffy smile pleasantly and managed to refrain from rolling her eyes.
“Uh, is he okay?” one of the students asked. Buffy looked over at Spike, who was rolling around on the floor chanting “House on fire, house on fire.”
Buffy shrugged. “Don’t know. Don’t care. That’s why they’re called ‘X’s’, people. Anyone have any questions?”
Another girl raised her hand. “I think you should get him some help. He’s clearly disturbed.”
Just then Xander ran into the classroom. “No, she shouldn’t help him! He tried to rape her!” The students looked up at him in shock.
“Dude, could you STOP telling everyone about that?” Buffy sighed. “What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were supposed to bring an ex of yours to work.”
Xander shrugged. “Anya’s off doing vengeance somewhere. And I tried getting in touch with Cordelia… remember her?”
Buffy looked confused.
“Works with Angel? In L.A.?”
“Right, right, right.”
“Anyhoo, apparently Angel doesn’t know where she is. The poor guy’s a wreck. Kept going on and on about kryumption, whatever the frig that means. And he must have used the word “champion” like 14 times to describe Cordelia. Then he started crying like a sissy.”
“Champion? Cordy? He was crying over freaking CORDY?” Buffy rolled her eyes so hard she gave herself a brain freeze.
“Yes, Buffy, it is true,” came a voice out of nowhere. Suddenly, a mist grew from nowhere, and then Cordelia appeared, surrounded by a halo of bright light.
“Bob’s yer uncle! Higher power here to help and the cat lost his jammys,” Spike said, still looking devestatingly handsome despite being crazy as a loon.
“That’s right, William,” Cordy whispered, approaching him. “I am here to help. Come to mama, that’s right.” She opened her arms and enfolded Spike in her glow-worm embrace.
“Oooh, I can’t stand the pain anymore,” Spike sobbed, holding her tight.
“Ooooh, nice back muscles,” Cordy said, squeezing him tighter.
Suddenly, Spike fell backward, spent. His face looked peaceful. Too peaceful.
“You killed him!” Buffy cried. “No, no, no. Oh dammit!” Buffy ran to his side and cradled his head in her lap. “Spike… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never got to tell you that I don’t hate you. In fact, I kinda used to almost sort of maybe… loved you.”
“What’s that, pet?” Spike opened one eye.
“You undead, disgusting, newly souled THING!” Buffy shouted, letting his head drop to the floor with a thud. “You tricked me!”
“Uh, no I didn’t. I couldn’t speak for a minute, is all. Cordy healed me from all my pain. Well, not all of it. I still feel right crummy about what I did to you, and all those murders and stuff, but I’m not nutso anymore.”
“Whatever.” Buffy rolled her eyes.
“Did you say ‘newly souled,’ Buff?” Xander said. “Why didn’t you say something to us? That kind of changes everything.”
Buffy sighed loudly and rolled her eyes. “It must have slipped my mind.”
“Wow, my first job as a higher power worked! Cool!” Cordy said. Then she turned to Buffy. “Now, come here, you.”
Buffy looked at her, shocked. “Who, me? Nothing’s wrong with me! Why don’t you hug yourself and heal your horrendous hairdo?!”
Cordy smiled sweetly. “Buffy, you’ve had a stick up your ass for some time now.” And with that, Cordy hugged Buffy fiercely, then let her go. Everyone waited, but Buffy did not roll her eyes. She was cured!
“Hey, can I get in on this healing hug action?” Xander said. “I’m uh, I’m a mess.”
Cordy shook her head at him. “Xander, you’re actually doing the best out of everyone here. You’re doing great. You’ll be fine. Now after I go give Willow the healing hug, I must go home. Angel is waiting for me. He is home to me.”
“Um, EW?” Xander said, looking over at Buffy to see her reaction. But Buffy just reached for Spike’s hand and held on to it tight.
“I know the feeling,” she said softly. Spike looked at her in surprise, but Buffy just smiled. “Hurry up now, Cordelia. And good luck.” Buffy said. Cordelia waved and floated away through the window.
“Dammit, I never get the good hugs,” Xander sighed.
“Group hug!” Spike and Buffy shouted in unison, and proceeded to make a Xander sandwich. Xander found himself suddenly quite aroused, and they all lived happily ever after.