All About Spike

Battle of the Seasons!
By Ozfan

NOTE: this is a parody fic.



Buffy tossed and turned, groaning in her sleep. Willow, passing by from her cold shower which helped battle her magic addiction withdrawal symptoms, peered into the dark room.

"Buffy? Are you okay? Are you having insightful prophetic dreams like you used to have years ago?"

Buffy opened one eye. "Nope. Just flashbacks of my Doublemeat Palace job."

"Oh." Willow stood awkwardly in the doorway. A few years ago she would have just sat on the bed with Buffy and talked. Their friendship was so strained. Willow personally thought Buffy had issues over her being GAY NOW. Perhaps it had to do with the fact that she tore her out of heaven and selfishly brought her back to this hell-on-Earth. Willow dismissed that thought after a nanosecond. Water under the bridge, she thought... Hmm... water, must... drink... water...

"Well, see ya!" Willow said, running out of the room to get a bottle of Evian out of the fridge. Damn these withdrawal symptoms.

Buffy sat alone in her bed and looked around the room. So much has changed. It was all so dreary now. It was if someone else had been put in charge and just wanted to screw with her life continuously, throwing depressing incident after depressing incident her way. Not to mention how lame the fight scenes were, and the pacing, and the editing.

"Get over yourself," a voice said from the window. Buffy looked up in shock. It was HER. Her her, Buffy her, a very vibrant and pretty, younger version of herself.

"Um, hi, me."

"Don't you hi-me ME," younger Buffy said. "I'm Season 2 Buffy, sent from the past. Jesus, they told me it was gonna get bad, but this is ridiculous. Here. Eat these." S2Buffy tossed a bag of cookies at S6Buffy. "And get dressed. We have work to do."

"Look, slow down. I have to take the trash out, and then repair some loose tiles on the roof, and then I have to work a triple shift at Doublemeat Palace..."

"AAAH!" Buffy held up her hand, stopping her. "No WAY I am going through all these stupid classes in high school, score high on my SATs, to end up working at a goddamn fast food joint. Now, let's go work out, then pig out, then have some vampire slayage!"

"Vampires? Oh, I don't really slay vampires anymore. I'm trying to think of the last time I actually did that..." S6Buffy said in between bites of the delicious cookies. S2Buffy rolled her eyes and pulled S6Buffy on her feet. She looked her over.

"You'll do, I guess. I like the hair. How's your training going?"

S6Buffy grew uncomfortable. "Well, um, I haven't trained in a while. I've been kinda depressed."

S2Buffy slapped S6Buffy across the face. "SNAP OUT OF IT!"

"Ow. What the hell was that for?"

S2Buffy grinned. "I've always wanted to do that to someone. Best Cher moment ever. Now let's skidaddle. We can head to the library and do some cheesy aerobic workouts."

"Um, yeah... hate to break this to you, kid. But the library's gone. Let's go to the Magic Box. I have a training room there."

"Magic Box? What the hell is that?"

Buffy put on a strange trendy off-the-shoulder shirt. S2Buffy made a gagging sound at how hideous the shirt was. "You're just loving giving the Evil Fashion Nazi more ammunition, aren't ya?" she said.

"Okay, pipe down, Junior," S6Buffy said, and off the went. They passed Dawn, who was moping in the kitchen.

"Who the heck is that?" S2Buffy said. S6Buffy didn't have the heart to break it to her, so she told her the truth as much as she could. "Oh, that's just the requisite mopey teenager."

And off they went to the Magic Box.

"This place ROCKS!" S2Buffy jumped up and down in glee when she saw the training room. S6Buffy sighed. She couldn't remember ever having that much energy. S2Buffy's stunt double came in and did some extremely cool and impressive gymnastic moves. S6Buffy's stunt double just sat and watched in awe. While they went about sparring, the door opened and Shmoopy!Spike came in.

"Son of a bitch! What the hell are you doing out of your wheelchair?" S2Buffy screamed, grabbing a stake and rushing toward him.

"WAIT! Don't touch him!" S6Buffy someone managed to stop her younger self from staking her lover. She knocked the stake away. "We have incredible on- screen chemistry and have sex a lot. Plus he's got a chip in his head implanted by a secret government agency and can't harm humans but can fight demons and you should see him naked. I mean, really."

S2Buffy glanced from S6Buffy, to Spike.

"What's with the pimp chain?" S2Buffy scoffed at Spike's jewelry.

"Cor, you were a brat back then. It was so much simpler when we were just trying to kill each other," Shmoopy!Spike said, remembering fondly. Then he touched S6Buffy's face tenderly, brushing her hair back from her face. "But I wouldn't go back for the world."

"Might not have a choice, mate," came a voice from behind them. Blimey, it was S2Spike! He sauntered in, snarky evilness emanating from his every evil, big-bad pore.

"Let me get this straight," Evil!Spike said, standing next to S2Buffy. "You're telling me, that in later years, you and I start shagging each other rotten and make bloody GOOGLY eyes at each othah?"

S6Buffy shrugged. "Well. Yeah. I mean, it's complicated. Underneath all that seething hate was sexual tension, plain and simple. Plus, you fall in love with me."

"Ew! Gross! La la la, I can't hear this!" S2Buffy said, covering her ears. "Angel loves me, and I love Angel. Angel + Buffy 4-ev-ah!" she shouted.

"Ooh, just you wait, Little Miss Perky," S6Buffy snarked.

Suddenly the Troika entered the room. "We are your arch-nemesisis, and we are going to destroy you this time!" Warren said while Jonathan shook his magic bone.

There was a pause, and then S2Buffy and Snarky!Spike busted up laughing. They had to lean on each other to keep from falling.

"Oh. My. Dear. God," Evil Spike laughed. "This... this is the best you could come up with as the Big Bad? Oh dear GOD." He hooted some more, and then went over and broke Warren's neck, killing him instantly. There was a moment of silence.

"Hey. That actually helps a lot," S6Buffy said. Evil Spike vamped out and scared Jonathan and the other one away. They ran screaming like sissy girls, promising never to do bad things again.

"What in Goddess' name is going on back here?" Willow rushed in, holding hands with her gay lover Tara. They were gay. Willow and Tara were GAY.

S2Buffy stared in shock. "Okay, first, what the holy hell are you wearing? And second, why are you holding that girl's hand?"

S6Willow, looking wan and disinterested, said, "Well, I'm gay now. This is Tara. We are deeply in love. And now I must go battle my addiction."

"HOLD IT, HOLD IT HOLD IT!" shouted a voice from the doorway. Geek!Willow from season 2 stood there in a plaid skirt, white tights, and an adorably nondescript grey sweater. She waved at her season 2 friends. "Hi guys!" Evil!Spike and S2Buffy waved back.

"Now, wait a minute. I just can't deal with this," Geek!Willow said, confronting Addict!Willow. Her brow furrowed cutely. "I'm totally cool with me later having a female lover, but stop screaming that I'm gay. If anything, I'm bisexual! I love Oz. I lust after Oz. And he's a guy. And what about my feelings for Xander all these years? So stop screaming about being gay now."

"Not that there's anything wrong with that," Shmoopy!Spike said, hugging S6Buffy to him.

"Hi, nice to meet you," Geek!Willow said to Tara, holding out her hand.

Tara grinned. "Oh, you were so cute back then!"

Addict!Willow glared at her old self. "If I wasn't a recovering Spellaholic I would do some major evil Magicks on you. Why don't you go back to 4 years ago where you came from?"

Geek!Willow frowned. "Look, I'd love to, but a portal has been opened, and it was prophesied that we would come here and straighten things out. Things have just gotten too screwed up. More are coming. You can't fight it. We're more powerful than you will ever be! And please, stop wearing such stupid outfits!"

"Hah! Like you're one to talk! You look like a refuge from a Sears outlet!" Addict!Willow said.

"Don't go stealing my lines," Bitchy!Cordelia said, sauntering in, looking quite gorgeous. "And before anyone asks, I have no idea what I'm doing here. I don't even like any of you people."

S6Buffy grinned. "Aw, remember when St. Cordy used to be a scheming, fun bitch?"

Just then Dork!Angel entered the room. "Cordelia, oh champion my champion, we must go to L.A."

"Champion? Me? Okay, looks like you've been eating too much junk food and all that crap affected your brain!" Bitchy!Cordelia said. "And what the hell do we have to do with each other in the future, anyway?"

Dork!Angel laughed very dorkily. S2Buffy just stared at him in shock.

"What happened to you?" S2Buffy said, frowning at Angel. You look all happy and well-fed. What happened to the curse? And the sexy brooding?"

"It's a long, sad, boring story," Dork!Angel said. "It's nice to see you all, but we really don't interact at all anymore and we CHAMPIONS have to get back to L.A.!" And with that, he grabbed a protesting Cordelia out of the room.

"You know, this isn't all your fault. If those bastards in season 5 had done things correctly, none of this would be a problem," Tara said.

"What do you mean? What happens in Season 5?"

S6 Buffy said, "Oh, there's this whole big Glory thing, and a blob of energy key/Sister thing, oh and this one time, Spike chained me up to get him to confess I had feelings for him and he was going to kill Drusilla to prove it and..."

"WHAT?" Evil!Spike screamed, then threw up. "You son of a bitch!!! What have you done to me??" He vamped out and went to kill Brad, but S6Buffy stopped him.

"Stay away from my Spikey!" she said, shielding her lover away from the vampire.

Xander from season 2 entered just in time to see that. He threw up too.

"Now, hold it. Before you get all judgey, I went through a LOT. My mother died, I died, I came back from heaaaaaven, I had to sing, I work in fast food now, I have a pain in the ass little sister, no help from my father, I can barely talk to Willow and Xander anymore..." S6Buffy started crying in Shmoopy!Spike's lean, muscular, sexy arms. There was an awkward silence.

S2Xander hung his head sheepishly. "Sorry, Buffy."

Geek!Willow ran and hugged her friend. "I'm sorry too. We didn't mean to get all judgey."

"I miss you," S6Buffy sniffed. Addict!Willow looked at her old self. "I miss me too," she said softly.

"So what do we do about it?" Evil!Spike snarled sexily.

Tara, always the wise one, suddenly started intoning, "You must throw the key into the porthole, Buffy. You will know what I mean when the time comes."

S6Buffy wiped away the tears. "You know, that makes a lot of sense. Dawn isn't really my sister after all."

"Then our work here is done!" Geek!Willow said. "Come on, folks, we have a lot of plot points to experience."

"Wait, what about me?" Evil!Spike said. "I've turned into a bloody poofter and that's just it? Someone stake me now, for the love of God."

"Gladly," S2Buffy muttered under her breath, walking up to him, stake poised for battle.

"Why don't you shut it?" he spat back. They were inches away from each other, breathing heavily. Then they started kissing passionately.

S6Buffy and Shmoopy!Spike grinned at each other. "Aw, look at what a cute couple we make!" they said cheerily as they watched their old selves make out. Everyone laughed happily. It was all going to be okay.

The End

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