This was my first ever fic of any kind, written long ago, and was inspired by picking on bad fic over at TWoP (including the misspelling of Xander). Hope you get a chuckle out of it.
"Stop with the 'pushing' Spike you pig!" Buffy gasped, her features frail but still so hot Spike could've jumped her bones right there on the delivery bed. Cor, she was beautiful even after 37 hours of labor.
"Ow ow, and another ow!" Buffy screamed. "I thought your cold seed couldn't impregnate me! Damn these screwy prophecies! And while your at it, damm you!"
Oz wiped the beeds of sweat off of Buffy's brow. His despair over Willow suddenly becoming "GAY NOW" lead him down the dark and twisted path of male nursing. And yet Buffy was very glad he was here, because if the baby came out all demonic or vampy Oz could hopefully turn into a werewolf and eat it.
"Have you picked a name yet?" Oz said, trying to take Buffy's mind off the horrible, blinding, gut-wrenching, and not at all pleasant pain she was in.
After another hard push, Buffy through her head back on the white pillow and said, "Yep, Elizabeth if it's a girl, William if it's a boy." She looked at Spike and blew him a kiss. If he had the ability to blush he probably would have done so.
"Wait, why Elizabeth?" Oz said.
"'Cause, you git, 's what Buffy's short for. Bloody 'ELL," Spike threw in for added emphasis in case no one out there realized he was British.
Oz frowned in that Oz-like way. "Huh. I thought your name was just Buffy, not short for any..."
"OOOOOOWWWW!" Buffy screamed.
"Luv, it's coming. I can see it's head!!! Aw! It's blonde, just like us, I reckon!" Spike crouched down and cheered the little bit on.
"Huh," Oz said again. "I didn't think either of you were natural blondes."
Spike stood up and lit a cigarette. Even though hospital policy strictly forbade smoking in the maternity wing, he was evil and therefore had to smoke. A lot.
"Listen, wolfboy, one more pithy remark out of you and you're no longer the godfather of this 'ere baby."
The smell of blood filled the room as the baby's head made its way out of Buffy's womb. Spike respectfully put out his cigarette and blinked away tears. Cor, cor, bloody COR, his baby, the fruit of his undead seed, was entering this world. Cor, how he wished for one of those bloody video cameras at a time like this. Suddenly, however, the smell of blood aroused Spike's bloodlust, and he vamped out.
"Dammit Spike, if you treat our baby like a Happy Meal with Legs I'm so gonna kick your ass," Buffy said, giving him one of those little hate glares that really symbolized her deep love for the unrepentant and yet sexy chipped vampire.
"Sorry, luv. Ooh, oh, look, it's a girl!" He picked the little bundle of love up and grinned proudly.
Suddenly Oz frowned. Well, actually, his expression didn't change much, but there was a frownlike glint in his eye. "The baby... it isn't crying. I don't think it's breathing."
"Bloody 'ell. I can't help! I don't have breath!!!" Spike felt very bad. Suddenly Zander came in.
"Move over, Dead Boy, looks like the Zand-man has to save a Summers girl yet again."
And with that, Zander breathed life into the little baby.
"Dude, you got puffy," Oz said to Zander.
"Shut up, Nurse Ratchett," Zander shot back in between life-saving breaths. Suddenly the baby let out a fierce cry. She was OKAY!!
Spike laid the baby down on Buffy's stomach. He touched her face tenderly.
"We did it, pet. We created life."
"Oh, Spike. I never thought I could be this happy. If only Mom were here."
"Now you got me cravin' hot cocoa with li'tle marshmallows," Spike said, remembering Joyce fondly. That's when it hit him.
"Joyce! We'll call the little bit Joyce!"
Dawn came into the room, her shiny hair flouncing magestically. "Get out Get Out GET OUT! I'm the only Little Bit around here!!!" And with that, she grabbed the baby and turned into a big blob of green energy and jumped into a porthole that suddenly opened.
Angel lay on the ground, stunned, looking rather bored. "Connor," he whispered flatly. He suddenly realized people were looking at him funny. Oz, Spike, and Buffy all frowned down at him.
"Oh, sorry. Uh, wrong baby." Angel got up and dusted himself off. "My kid was also kidnapped and is in another dimension."
Spike said, "Well, we can only hope Joyce and Connor somehow find each other and help each other out." He held out his hand to Angel, and Angel shook it.
Buffy lay on the bed, watching her high school sweetheart vampire and husband vampire who were once enemies shake hands. She smiled happily. Even though her baby was gone, she knew somehow it would be okay.
"I love you," she said.
Angel stared at her, shocked. "Me too! I mean, I realize I still love you! I'm so happy you..."
"No, um, I was talking to Spike," Buffy said.
"Oh." Angel grinned sheepishly at his Childe. Then they all laughed. Sometimes, even with two missing babies sired by vampires, life could be beautiful.