All About Spike

Conversations with the Scoobies
By mahaliem

Rating: PG

Summary: Post-Showtime. The slayers-in-training learn about their vampire roomie from the Scoobies.

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy

Thank you to my betas, Treacle-Antlers and Alena.

“That is Spike, aka William the Bloody.”

Rona looked away from the stairs where Buffy had disappeared half-carrying and half-dragging the injured vampire to eye Xander. She’d been curious when the Slayer had arrived with him and watched as Giles immediately took a position on the other side of Spike to help him up the stairs. Willow and Dawn had followed behind, trying to see if there was anything they could do.

“William the Bloody. Well, at least he lives up to his name. Not much to him, though,” said Rona.

“Do you have any idea who he is?” Xander asked incredulously.

“I don’t know. Some vamp that Buffy says we need.”

“Some vamp? Spike is not just ‘some vamp’. I’ve seen him take on demons with his bare hands that I wouldn’t want to go after in a tank. You’ve been practicing with your swords and crossbows. Probably think you not quite Chosen Ones are getting pretty good with them, too, I bet. Well, Spike, in his prime, could have taken you down in less than a minute. All of you at once. He’s killed two Slayers. Slayers that knew their stuff.”

“Well, why hasn’t he killed Buffy?” asked Rona.

“He’s tried, several times. But Buffy’s good, real good. And now…they’re not so much into fighting anymore.”

“What are they, then, if they’re not enemies? She seemed real concerned about him.”

“What they are is none of your business…or mine, I guess. Just took me a while to figure that out, though.”

“So…are you and Spike friends?”

“Me? Friends with Spike? No, absolutely no way. We hate each other. And if I were you, I’d stay as far away from him as you can. He cheats at pool, will always stick you with the bar tab, and is the world’s worst roommate.”

- - - - - - - -

Chloe walked onto the back porch, wanting some air, and was startled to find Giles there. Leaning against the rails, he eyed her over his half-empty glass of Scotch. Too young, he thought. Too untrained, too innocent. The idea that Buffy had been the same age as the girl in front of him when she’d gone to face the Master and certain death, shook him to the point that his hand trembled a bit as he took another sip of his drink.

“Mr. Giles? We were talking and I heard that Spike has killed Slayers in the past. Should we be worried?”

“Worried? About Spike?”

Shaking his head, Giles pushed off from the railing and approached the slayer-in-training.

“No, please don’t be worried. He won’t hurt you. Several years ago he was captured by a group of government soldiers. A device was implanted in his brain which causes him terrible pain if he were to attack humans. Unfortunately, it still allows him to be a great annoyance to everyone.”

“But Anya said that he was killing people. Turning them. If he has this device, how can he kill?”

“We don’t know…yet. I can assure you, however, that Spike has changed. He retrieved his soul this past summer.”

“He got his soul? Can vampires do that?”

“Most vampires wouldn’t want to. But Spike has never been, what one might call, a typical vampire. For years he was devoted to Drusilla, who he loved more deeply and passionately than most humans love. Now he loves…someone else. Quite fascinating, really.”

“Do you study him, then?”

“Study Spike? I’ve jotted some notes down in the past, but he makes rather a poor subject to study, being so unique. For example, it’s…almost entirely unheard of for vampires to eat human food. Spike, however, relishes spicy chicken wings, flowering onions, and puts the most appalling things in his blood.”

- - - - - - - -

Willow was working on her laptop, trying once more to find out any information she could on the First Evil, when Kennedy entered the dining room and plopped down on the chair next to her.

“How are Buffy and Spike doing?” Kennedy asked.

“Okay, I guess. He was pretty beat up. I did a small spell to try to help him heal faster, but I’m not sure if it will work, him being a vampire and all.”

“You seem a bit worried about him.”

“Oh, but I’m not. Not really. Well, maybe a bit. I’ve known him a long time.”

“You knew him when he was scary, then?”

“Uh huh. The first time I saw him was outside the Bronze when he told Buffy he was going to kill her. Then he attacked the school, but I didn’t see much of him because of the whole running, screaming, and hiding in the closet thing. He did kidnap me once. He wanted me to do a love spell on him, for Drusilla, after she left him. And another time he threatened to turn me, but then he couldn’t bite and I thought it was me. He was sweet, though. Told me I was biteable.”

“Well, he got that right. So…was there ever anything between the two of you?”

“Between Spike and me? No! I mean, I’m gay and he’s really, really male, you know? Definitely Buffy’s guy.”


Willow stared as Kennedy gave her a big smile, then rose and left the room. Swallowing heavily, she turned once more to her laptop, but could no longer concentrate.

- - - - - - - -

“I don’t know why I always get stuck with the laundry,” Dawn complained to Molly. “I can cook. Well, I can. Just some people aren’t as adventurous as I am.”

The two girls stood next to the dryer, folding the many towels that seemed to be constantly in short supply these days. Already another load was tumbling, while the washer swished as it worked.

“All of you seem pretty adventurous to me. Fighting demons and hellgods. It doesn’t even faze you that you have a vampire upstairs with your sister.”

“Hey, I grew up with a vampire hanging around my sister’s bedroom. But it was Angel, who had a soul…until he lost it and tried to kill everyone.”

“What do you mean, tried to kill everyone?”

“Don’t get worried. This is Spike. He wouldn’t hurt anyone, even if he soul did disappear...except he kind of hurt Buffy, and he did kill some other people. But that was different. He wouldn’t hurt you or me.”

“He’s a vampire.”

“Yeah, but I’m badder than he is. There were a couple times I did some stuff, like breaking into the Magic Box, and trying to raise Mom from the grave, and he stayed with me just to make sure that I didn’t get hurt.”

“Do you like him?”

“Maybe when I was a little kid. But now…I so do not. He used to tell me the best stories, though. Could really send chills up and down your spine. Next time you slayer wannabes can’t sleep, you should get him to tell you one. They’re great!”

- - - - - - -

“I really hate it when recipes call for a dash or a dab of something. What is a dash, anyway? Is it more or less than a pinch?”

Vi watched Anya study the cookbook in front of her. It hadn’t taken the gang long to realize that the ex-demon was by far the best cook of them all. Her ability to follow directions down to the letter meant the meals they were now getting were much improved.

“I’m sure that it will be okay if your dash is a bit off.”

“Yes, but if you start getting sloppy with dashes, pinches, and smidges, then the next thing you know, it’s total chaos, and it doesn’t taste anything like it should. Chaos! I bet this recipe is the work of a Chaos Demon. They’re quite evil, you know.”

“Actually I don’t know much at all about Chaos Demons, or any other kind of demon, for that matter. Not even vampires, and I might be a vampire slayer one day.”

“Vampires…pshh. All fangs and grrh. They get a girl’s hopes up with the whole stamina bit, but then spend all their time focusing on the neck instead of other, more appropriate, spots. Though Spike did give me a very nice happy that one time, until we were overcome with sobriety and guilt.”

“You and Spike?”

“It was just once. It’s not like the way it is between him and Buffy. More sparks fly when they’re in the same room than at a welders’ convention.”

“You don’t feel anything for him anymore?”

“The only thing I felt when we were together was woozy from the alcohol and his great big penis. Now - I’m not evil anymore, he’s not evil anymore, so a big ‘Yay us’ for not being evil.”

- - - - - - - -

With Buffy’s help, Spike slowly made his way down the stairs and into the living room where the slayers-in-training were waiting to meet him. She helped him into a chair, then left to heat him up a mug of blood. When she returned, the room was still silent. With a sigh of exasperation, Buffy faced the girls.

“You want to know about vampires? Here’s your chance. Spike can answer all of your questions.”

“Is it true that you cheat at pool?” asked Rona.

“Someone’s been talking with Harris. Don’t cheat at pool, don’t need to. Kitten poker’s another story.”

“Is it true you put appalling things in your blood?” asked Chloe

“Just like to spice it up a bit with Burba weed, or give it a bit of texture with Weetabix. Watcher just thinks it’s appalling.”

“Is it true that you offered to turn Willow?” snapped Kennedy.

“Would still do it in a heartbeat if she wanted me to. Red would make a mighty fine vampire.”

“Keep your hands away from her!”

“Not the hands that do the turning, luv.”

Buffy intervened before Kennedy could act.

“Stop teasing, Spike.” She turned to Kennedy. “Spike won’t be turning anyone else – ever.”

Everyone faced Molly, who nervously looked at the vampire before asking her question.

“Is it true that you tell scary stories?”

“Not stories, pet. Just recalling a few memories. Now, if they send a shiver through you, not my fault. Glad to hear that Dawn remembers us doing that.”

Rolling her eyes, Buffy faced the group.

“Doesn’t anyone have a question about vampires in general?”

Timidly, Vi raised her hand.

“I have a question about vampires.”

Buffy indicated to Vi to ask away. The young girl cleared her throat before speaking.

“Is it true that vampires have great big …”

The End.

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