The Wacky Adventures of Spike and Buffybot
By mr. monkeybottoms
DISCLAIMERS: So, I’m spying on Joss, you know, just kinda peering into his windows and stuff, when the next thing I know this cop is tapping me on my shoulder. He’s all, ‘Please come with me, Miss.’ I tried to explain to him that Joss and I had a love that couldn’t be denied, a love that spanned the ages, but he cuffed me and off I went to the big house for the night. I met up with Faith inside, and tried to talk her into springing me free by using her slayer strength to bend the bars at the window, but she was playing it cool, all pretending like she didn’t know what I was talking about. She was really good at it too, screaming, ‘My name is Gen you freak! Get away from me!!’ Wow, those slayers sure are crafty! Joss didn’t come bail me out, I guess he was busy planning that weekend away together at the bed and breakfast. I’m still waiting for my royalty checks from the last fic I wrote...sigh, we are so much in love!
THANK YOUS: To everyone who read and reviewed ‘Spike Lips! Lips of Spike!’, I say a massive thanks. And now, thanks for reading this one. I really really hope you enjoy it. I have to give mega thanks to Bub, she helped me with starting this fic. I had a different story at first, but as I wrote it, all the Spike and Buffybot scenes weren’t so much sexy as they were disturbing and creepy. I was about to throw it in the trash when she gave me some great ideas, and of course, much encouragement. Thank you Bub!
SO...WHAT’S THIS ABOUT AGAIN??: Remember that episode in season 4, with the frat house and the crazy sex and stuff? ‘Where the Wild Things Are.‘ Well, things are a little different, seeing as how I am throwing the Buffybot into the mix. And no, she is NOT wearing that horrid outfit they had the Buffybot in. My god, what were they thinking on that move? Wardrobe was hammered that day, obviously.
“You are gonna be perfect.” Warren picked up the screwdriver and tightened a wire, frowning. “This may be my best work to date. All that spying on the Slayer was worth it to create you.” He closed the lid and pulled the shirt back down, coming around to look at his robot. He peered closely at her. “Does that feel better now?”
Eyes opened and focused. “Yes. I can see clearly now.”
“Perfect.” Warren grinned, pleased. “Absolutely perfect. If I didn’t know better I’d say I was looking at Buffy Summers.”
The Buffybot smiled, “But I am Buffy Summers, silly.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m the Slayer!”
“Yes you are.” Warren leaned closer, about to kiss her, but stopped when she didn’t respond. “I haven’t started you imprint program. Huh, musta slipped my mind.” He laughed a little to himself, shaking his head. “It’s why I built you for, after all.”
“I’m the Slayer,” Buffybot repeated. “It’s dark. I have to slay.” Warren nodded his head.
“Yeah, I know. You’re the Slayer, but you’re my toy.” His eyes traveled up the
Bot’s body, lingering appreciatively on her breasts before finally coming to rest on her face. The bot smiled at him. “Slaying will happen, later. Time to imprint, don’t you think? I could use some, uh..” He giggled a bit. “Sex.”
“That’s not in my programming,” Buffybot informed him.
“No, it’s not in your programming now. But it will be, just as soon as I give you the start-up code.” Warren rummaged through the mass of papers on his desk. Not finding what he was looking for, he grew increasingly annoyed. “Oh...where is that book?” He looked up at the basement stairs. “MOM!”
“What?” A voice called down.
“Did you touch the stuff on my desk?”
“I moved some stuff when I was dusting....”
Warren huffed, stomping up the steps. “Mom! How many times do I have to tell you? Don’t touch my stuff! Last time you moved my limited edition Spiderman issue number two and I couldn’t find it for a whole week! Do you know what kind of hell that was for me...?” His voice grew faint as he climbed the stairs.
Buffybot blinked. “I have to slay,” she said, looking at the growing darkness out the tiny basement window. “It’s getting dark. Vampires come out when it’s dark.” She looked at the leather jacket draped over a chair and picked it up. “Ooh!
Pretty,” she said, slipping it over her shoulders. “I have to stop evil!” She marched up the stairs and into the night.
Buffybot walked briskly, making her way to the closest cemetery. Sure enough, she found trouble as soon as she got there.
“Look! Evil bloodsuckers!” she cried to no one in particular, pointing to the newly risen vamp still climbing out of it’s grave. “You’re dust, buddy!”
She ran towards it, stake in hand. The vamp turned at the sound of her voice and ducked, getting a stake in the shoulder instead of the chest. It snarled as Buffybot yanked it out and swung again, this time hitting her mark. The vamp was dusted before it could even get all the way out of the earth.
“Ha! Take that, nasty bloodsucker. Don’t mess with Buffy Summers!” Buffybot chirped, brushing
vamp dust off her arms. She looked around, but the place was quiet. Not a vamp in sight. Buffybot paused and read her programming quickly.
-protect the innocent
-look hot while fighting
“I need to find more evil. And look hot while fighting this evil.” Buffybot sighed and continued on her way, flipping her hair in a way that looked damn sexy, as informed by her programming. She did a sweep of the graveyard, dusting three more vamps and cracking the neck of a rather nasty Kiranch demon. It’s mate, however, took one look at the scene and abandoned the sobbing young woman it was about to eat, taking off through the headstones without a backwards glance.
“Sorry I have to leave. I hope you feel better tomorrow.” Buffybot said to the girl and gave chase. “I have an nasty demon to kill.”
The Kiranch was terribly fast but Buffybot was just as fast. Faster even. She ran hard, catching up with it just as it reached the Sunnydale campus, jumping on it’s back and sending the two of them to the ground. It rolled, pinning her under it’s scaly body.
“Ooof.” Buffybot panted. ”How am I going to look attractive if I’m all squished and broken?” She shoved hard, sending it flying into a nearby bush and jumped up, checking her outfit. Pointing to a large grass stain she frowned. “This is NOT hot!”
The Kiranch lumbered up slowly, blinking grass and leaves out of it’s large eyes. Buffybot kicked it hard and it went down again. Picking up a huge branch she brought it down on it’s head with a satisfying ‘crunch’. “Take that! Horrid stinky monster-type thing!” She beat it over the head until it fell to the ground, twitching. “Eeew.” She mashed it one more time and it stilled. Remembering that she was supposed to look attractive while killing she pressed the branch between her breasts and panted heavily, striking a pose.
Laughter from the distance made her look up. People were milling about a frat house, shouting and drinking and generally having a great time. Buffybot smiled at the sight and dropped the branch to the ground.
“Ooh! People.” Her programming kicked in again.
Program 6: Partying
“I need to dance!” Buffybot trotted off to the frat house.
Xander wandered around the party, still feeling the sting from his earlier fight with Anya. He liked sex as much as the next guy. More! He liked sex more than the next guy. Sex with Anya was always amazing, and now she was freaking out over one night of non-sexual activity. He sighed. Anya was a difficult girlfriend.
A redhead was standing near the trophy case, looking over the various awards. Xander smiled at her, feeling the need to flirt and reassure himself of his manliness. Well, kinda manliness anyways. Leaning in, he read the inscription on one of the trophies. “’Lowell house. 1962‘."
“Yes.” The girl smiled at him and he continued, encouraged by her not screaming and running away.
“Um, just, you know, impressing you with my knowledge of local history. Or my knowledge of reading.” He was on a roll now, she was smiling more and turning towards him.
“You didn't even have to sound anything out.” she teased.
Xander shrugged. “You should see me add short columns of small numbers.”
He turned to see Buffy standing there, a bottle of beer in her hand. “Oh! Hey Buff.” He eyed the beer. “You, uh...drinking? You’re drinking of the beer category? What about ‘beer, bad’?”
Buffybot smiled widely. “Beer isn’t bad. Beer is what you do at a party.” She bent the bottle to her lips and drank deeply, chugging the last half easily. Xander’s eyes bugged, the redhead forgotten.
Buffybot lowered the bottle and scanned the girl beside Xander. “You’re not
Anya,” she said, turning to Xander. “Anya is your girlfriend. You have sex. All the time! Where is Anya?”
“Uh, Buffy...” he looked around to see his prospect for new romance leaving and sighed. “The last time you drank...”
he trailed off, remembering how Buffy had sniffed at him. “Uh...”
“I need to dance.” Buffybot looked around. “Where is the dance floor?”
“Dance floor?” Xander gave Buffy a look. “Where’s Riley?”
Buffybot paused, going through her files.
Name search: Riley
-member of the Initiative
-insult and break up with him
“Riley’s head is too big, and he grins like an idiot,” Buffybot said, making Xander choke.
“What?” he took the bottle away from Buffy and sniffed it suspiciously. “Are you sure this beer isn’t enchanted?”
“The beer is not enchanted,” Buffybot said. “It’s Coor’s Lite!”
“Mmmm. Well, it is less filling,” Xander said. “I don’t know about the ‘tastes great’ part though...”
he trailed off again as Buffy turned and walked down the hall. “Buff, wait up!”
“I have to dance,” Buffybot repeated, and gave Xander a large smile. “At a party you dance and drink beer.”
Buffy watched Riley from across the room, feeling restless. In the last few days her appetite for him had increased tenfold, and tonight it seemed even stronger than before. The need for him was growing every minute he was away from her. Riley looked up from his friends and over at her. She immediately made her way to him, smiling.
“Hey, uh, can we-” she pointed upstairs vaguely. “I, um, need you to take a look at an ... essay, for ... class.” She gave him a look and his eyes widened.
“That ... essay, right. Here,” he shoved his glass blindly in the direction of one of his friends. “ I'll catch you guys in a minute, uh, essay ... gotta look at...” Buffy was pulling him away and he abandoned trying to make a complete sentence, the two disappearing up the stairs, much to the amusement of Riley’s friends.
Five minutes later, Buffy re-appeared from the steps, Xander in tow. Riley’s friends raised their eyebrows at each other.
“Riley’s a bit of a minute-man, hey?” One said and grinned widely, nudging the other in the ribs.
“Makes you wonder why she was so eager to get him upstairs...” Two answered, laughing. He took a swing of his beer and frowned. “Hey, my drink’s low, let’s go find some more.” They took off to the nearest keg, passing by Xander and Buffybot with a wink.
“That man had a twitch,” Buffybot said, looking after him in concern. “He may be a demon. I should check it out.”
Xander grabbed her shoulder. “It’s called ‘winking’ Buffy. Geeze, don’t tell me it’s been that long since a guy’s flirted with you. Cause, very flirtable!” Xander smiled at her, trying to make her feel better.
“I know about flirting. It’s in my programming.” Buffybot smiled coyly and fluttered her eyes, making Xander back up a bit.
“Uh, yeah, flirting....in the Days of Yore maybe. Or the wild wild west.”
“Anya’s here,” Buffybot said suddenly, pointing over his shoulder. “Are you going to go have sex now? She’s an ex-vengeance demon.”
Xander grimaced. “You’re right, maybe not having sex with her was a bad idea. I was just kinda tired that night after all the shoveling cement that day and....wait, how did you know about-” He broke off, seeing who Anya was with. “She brought Spike! Spike! She brought the bleached undead here!” He marched over the them, Buffybot trailing behind. Anya saw them coming and stood up straighter.
“Hello Xander,” she said coolly, staring him straight in the eye. “How is the not-having-sex lifestyle treating you?” She tilted her head at bit, watching him flush.
“What are you doing?” Xander pointed at Spike beside her. “Spike? You come to the party you know I’ll be at with this?”
“Hey.” Spike said, semi-offended. He noticed Buffy standing beside Xander and gave her a nod. “Looks like you’re all tied up with the Slayer here to even notice what the little ex-girlfriend is up to.” He waited for Buffy to get angry.
Maybe insult him like she always did, but instead she smiled.
“Oh, I’m not tying him up. I’m drinking beer,” Buffybot said, producing another beer and taking a large sip. “We’re at a party.”
“What?” Spike looked at her, completely thrown off his game. The Slayer was here, and actually having fun? No ‘holier than thou’ attitude tonight? Maybe she’s had one too many. He smiled nastily at the thought, picturing her too drunk to resist...anything. Maybe then he could bite her without that sodding chip going off...
“Anya, what're you doing hanging around with Spike?” Xander asked, annoyed. Buffybot heard and looked at Spike, scanning for his name.
Name search: Spike
Spike (William the Bloody, Scourge of Europe)
-has government chip in cerebral cortex
“Well, she’s an ex-demon and he’s my ex-nemesis. Maybe they’re discussing old times. Don’t worry about him, he’s completely
harmless,” she said, touching Xander’s elbow soothingly. “I’d stake him if it wasn’t for the chip in his brain.”
Spike swelled up. “Bloody bitch! Throw it in my face will you?” He turned and stormed off through the crowd, wincing slightly as he pushed a drunken frat boy into a table.
“Maybe you should go after him,” Xander said. “He’s harmless, but he may start trouble with that mouth of his.” Buffybot shrugged.
“Sure!” She gave him another one of her massive smiles and followed Spike through the crowd.
She found him slouched in a chair, nursing a drink and looking sulky. He saw her coming over and groaned loudly, resting his head on the back of the Lay-z-boy in defeat. Raising his hands he sighed.
“Look Slayer, why don’t you do us both a favor and get lost? I don’t need you busting my chops over a little college drinking. As you have so frequently pointed out, I’m harmless. So go away.” He grabbed a nearby beer and drank, trying to ignore her. Instead of leaving, however, she sat down in the chair next to him and grinned.
“I’m the Slayer,” she said brightly. Spike gave her a look.
“Uh huh,” he said, suspicious.
“You’re Spike,” she continued. He raised his eyebrows at her.
“We’re at a party. I need to dance. Do you want to dance?” Buffybot asked, hearing that someone had finally started up a techno-type dance song. She hopped up and held her hand out to Spike, who stared at it like it was something deadly.
“You don’t want to dance?” Buffybot asked, gyrating slowly in front of him, hips swaying. Spike’s mouth tightened.
“What are you playing at here Slayer?” he ground out, watching her run her hands up and down the sides of her breasts and then up above her head. She gave him a sultry look.
“I’m dancing,” she answered simply and turned around, placing her bottom rather near his face and shaking it. Turning back, she placed one leg on either side of his lap and threw her head around, hair flung out wildly, breasts bouncing. Spike swallowed.
“Uh...” His hands twitched.
Buffybot licked her lips and beamed at Spike, who watched her, speechless. “I need a beer.” Silently he handed her his and she took it from him, much to his surprise. “Thanks.” She tilted it back, sipping. A drop escaped, rolling down her neck. Spike’s eyes followed it as it stroked her jugular, down past her collarbone and finally
disappeared into the valley between her breasts. She passed the bottle back to Spike, who absentmindedly placed it on the table next to him. His hand knocked against something and he looked over at it.
“What the-?” He picked up the model, turning it over in his hands, frowning. There was a label on the bottom and he squinted, reading. “'Millennium Falcon. Mos Eisley Spaceport, Docking Bay 94.’ Huh, obviously a bunch of dweebs live here.” He
tossed the model carelessly over his shoulder and turned back to Buffy. “Now, where were we?”
Buffybot stared at him, her new program activated.
Program 40: Imprinting
-start-up code: Millennium Falcon. Mos Eisley Spaceport, Docking Bay 94.
She blinked, dancing forgotten, and gazed into his blue eyes.
“What’s the problem now Slayer?” Spike asked. She didn’t answer, to busy downloading.
“Loading complete. Imprint complete.” Buffybot muttered, eyes closing
Continued in Chapter Two