Most times it isnít.
She was hurting.† Alone, and scared, and lost and what did I do wrong and why did I make you hurt and Iím sorry make it stop even though she knew it wasnít.† Nothing to do with her, just like it never really had to do with me.† Least she had it for a little.† Not excusing what he did, but at least she had love.
Iíve never had love.
She tells me that she knows, now, that itís real for me.† That she knows and she sees except it canít ever be like that for her.† Iím evil and soulless and a thing, not human, not real.† Just a thing for her to use, to treat as her own private whore.
I know sex.† Sometimes it hurts and sometimes itís sweet but most of the time itís just sex.† More than you are, more than you ever think you can be.† Iím good at it too, although she never once thought about that.† Know just how much to give, how much pain she can take before itís too much.† Know how much she likes it even when she beats me for it.† I know sex.
She was hurting.† Lost and little and alone even though sheís older than me, even.† She wanted to make him hurt like she did, except she knew he already did.† Nothing she could do to make it better or worse, just different.† She wasnít trying to hurt him, with me.† I wasnít trying to hurt her, either.† Either her.
Gods, weíre a mess.
And how dare you.† Come to me, tell me that itís over, and that I have to move on.† Good little whore, go find someone else.† Go show them hours of pleasurepain because I couldnít dare ever show real pleasure, the kind I always wanted to.† She thinks she knows why, too, because itís what I did with Dru.†
Sometimes, yeah, sometimes it was. . .† Dru was what Angelus made her.† But sometimes she was just Drusilla, too, sweet little girl-woman who knew things not even she understood.† Who liked to be loved almost as much as I liked to love.† Who had me to tea parties and wanted beautiful jewelry and gallant men to escort her to her fancy.† Who wanted to go back to when she was a little doll herself, and the world was safe and made sense again.
She thinks that I donít get that, but I do.† I see her, I know her.† Iíve always known her.† All my women are the same, really.† They need me, sometimes desperately, but they never want me.† Just a whore.
And then there was this one.† With her Highness to tell me to move on and she was smelling like sick and little and so damned alone.† So lost in the pain she knew wasnít hers, but it was, wasnít it?† It had to be.† Because if it wasnít hers then. . . then it hurt too much to even think of the answer.
She wanted it, too.† Not because of himóthat wasnít the issue, not really.† It wasnít cheating, he let her go no matter how much he says he wants her back.† That wasnít why she almost stopped, we both know that.† Itís because she saw it, saw the thing that no one else has seen.† Not even the íbit and god I miss her.† Miss hearing her voice and her laugh. . .
Women rule my life.
She looked up at me with those big eyes, ever changing hair pushed back in something sweet and fetching and she smelled like life.† She smelled like my sweet one does and the way I wish my girl would smell again.† Give me that smell and Iíll whore myself to whomever she says.† Donít care.† Just need that, that sweetness that goodness. . . that life.
She wanted it hard and hurting, make her body feel like her heart, her soul did.† I didnít.† Iíve had hard and hurting.† Had till I could choke on it.† Donít want pain anymore.† So I made it slower than she wanted, sweeter than she wanted, but it wasnít love or romance or any of that nonsense.† She was imagining me with dark hair and a heartbeat, while I saw blonde and a wicked smile I havenít seen since. . . since the Bronze.† 1998.† Watching her with her pets, laughing about some school bit and didnít they all look so good?† All of them, the ponce of a wanker too.† So young and innocent and happy.
Growing up isnít supposed to hurt like this.† I remember that.† Donít remember much, donít want to remember much of anything, but I remember that.† Itís gotta hurt a little, yeah, but not this soul-searing agony.
Itís a laugh, though, listening to the righteous bitch and her righteous bastard.† So sure that they arenít in the wrong, even when their lips are saying they know it.† The boy, telling her that heís disgusted with her when he made her hurt so much that something as wicked as me looked good.† He wants to be disgusted, let it be with himself.† She didnít do anything wrong.† She stayed strong and pure and I know sheíd have gone back to him if he wanted it.† Really wanted it, not this not-just-yet crap.† Do or donít or get out of the damn way.
And her.† Her.† Bane of my bloody existence and doesnít it always come back to some her?† She was hurting.† Canít you see that?† Donít you remember the wood and the dust and the rubble and the hurt and the sweat and the blood and the warm body jumping on to me, lips pressing hard against mine?† Donít you remember pain so bad that it made you crazy?† I remember it.† Why the hell do you think I was here anyway?
Think I planned this?† Set about to get over you with this sweet bit of innocence, thatís older than me, and fuck my problems away?† Thatís your line, luv, not mine.† Iím the whore, remember?† Only the john gets to feel a little better before the pain sets back in.
God it hurts.† What she does to me, what they always do to me, it hurts.† All I want is for it to go away.† Numb it all away, stare at the walls, go mad.† Just stop hurting.† Thatís why I did it, you bint.† Cause I was drunk and hurting and alone even with your scent all around me and your taste in my mouth.† How could I move on so fast?† Whores donít ask questions, they just go to whomever buys them.
What I want to know is why they always call me soulless.† Itís a catch-phrase with all of them, even the little good witch who Iíd never met until her head was full of stories I barely remembered living.† Unliving.
Soulless.† Know who thatís from, but thatís not the point, and they damned well know it.† No, I donít have a goddamned soul.† No, I donít want oneóbut not because of why they think.† They think itís because Iím evil and I donít want to give that up and when it comes out or stops working Iíll kill them all.† And I might.† Not because itíd be fun, because it wouldnít be.
Not even fun for him, and I learned that one tonight, didnít I?† Whispering it out like the coward Iíve always been, and I know the bitch thinks it was to hurt her.† Doesnít she understand me yet?† Havenít I made this point enough times?† I wasnít doing it to hurt her.† I was doing it because if his precious Buffy had done it, than maybe it wasnít so awful for his ex-fiancť.
Whores donít get choices, remember?† We go to who pays us.
Watching him cut her into little pieces when all sheíd done was try and deal with the mess heíd made.† Watching him call her all the things heíd called me and hating him for it more than I ever had.† She smelled like sick, again, like scared and little and please, I want mommy back.† And I hate that smell, I sodding hate it, and for that Iíll say the thing I swore Iíd never really say.† Because it did hurt her, and I knew it would, and I hated myself even as I said it.
Thatís the irony, isnít it.† A soul is supposed to make me good, make me feel, make me real.
Whores canít be real.† Because then we remember that it hurts to do what we do.† That it isnít a job, and it isnít just sex, even when weíre doing it.† Itís life and itís pain and itís real.† And it hurts so much I donít know why Iím not crying like a baby.† Hurts so much that my skin should be red from tears and broken from the sobs.† It hurts.† It always hurts.
Little boys and little girls, playing in the sandbox.
And she was hurting.