All About Spike

Things That Go 'Bump' in the Night
By Kantayra

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters in this story. Joss, ME, and some other people own them all. Even Spike. It’s very sad, I know.

Author’s Note: Yeah, this takes place at some random point during S5. It’s during that period when Spike and Harmony are still ‘together’, but he’s so obsessed with Buffy it’s not even funny. I just couldn’t help but write another piece of Spike/Harmony goofiness after my last one. They’re just too funny.


OK now, that was nothing, she reassured herself. Just, like, mice or...ew! *MICE*?!

“Spikey?” Harmony rolled over onto her side so she was facing her sleeping companion.

He didn’t stir.

“Spikey!” she repeated more vehemently, giving him a good, hard jab in the shoulder.

He muttered something unintelligible under his breath and turned his back to her, still deep asleep.


Harmony’s head shot towards one of the dark tunnels that led from Spike’s crypt, and she peered uselessly into the blackness there for a minute before turning back to the vampire beside her.

“Spikey, wake up!” she insisted, grabbing hold of his shoulder and shaking him. “Wa-a-ake up!” her voice warbled in time with her shakes.

 “Think you can take me, Slayer?” Spike whispered in his sleep, turning over onto his back again and unconsciously catching her up in his arms.

“Spikey-baby...” Harmony whimpered, burying her head into his smooth, naked chest. For a minute she felt better again. And then:


“Spikey!!” she practically screamed, shaking him frantically. “Honey Bunch, Shnookums, Pretty Kitty, WAKE THE FUCK UP!!” This last phrase was an eardrum-piercing screech released right into his face.

His eyes snapped open in shock, and he grabbed his ears in pain. “Who? What? Huh? Slayer?” he let out in confused succession.

“I heard something,” Harmony sniffled, biting her lower lip and curling up against his chest again.

“Huh?” Spike repeated, slowly becoming aware of the fact that the lovely little ‘battle’ he’d just been enjoying with his Slayer was only a dream.

“Th-There’s something over there,” she insisted, the finger she pointed over to the tunnel trembling slightly. “It made a ‘bump’ noise.”

Spike closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, hoping that this was the dream. “Again, ‘huh’?” he said sarcastically.

“There’s something going ‘bump’ over there,” Harmony repeated matter-of-factly.

“Yeah...?” he asked in disbelief.

“You’re supposed to go over there and make it stop,” she pouted, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

Spike collapsed back against his pillows and rolled his eyes. “That’s what you woke me up for?” he demanded, annoyed.

“I was scared,” Harmony insisted primly.

He felt another one of those persistent headaches that she always brought about forming. “Harm,” he informed her seriously, “you are the thing that goes ‘bump’ in th’ night. You’re not s’posed to freak out ‘bout that anymore.”

“But I am,” she sniffled slightly. “Can’t you just go over there and make sure it’s not anything scary?”

He let out a deep sigh and decided to try again. “You’re a vampire, right?”

“Right...?” she said a bit hesitantly with a bit of question at the end of the word.

“You. Are. A. Vampire.” Clear, precise tones – maybe those would get through her thick skull...

“OK, yeah,” she conceded, “but that doesn’t mean I can’t still be your snuggle kitten...” She wrapped herself around him tighter, her arms clinging around his neck.

Snuggle kitten?!” Spike exclaimed. Or, at least, he tried to exclaim. Harmony’s arms were wrapped so tightly around his throat that he couldn’t push out the air necessary to speak.

He tried to pry one of her hands free, but every time he got one of her fingers off and moved on to the next one, the first would catch his throat in a vise-like grip again. Had he needed to breathe, he’d most certainly have been dead by now.

He began squirming beneath her, trying to indicate that she was squeezing his throat shut, but she merely whimpered again and clung on tighter.

Finally, she noticed that something was distressing him and looked up to see that his face was paler than usual.

“Baby bear, what’s wrong?” she exclaimed in concern, her grip tightening with her newfound fear. “What’s happening? Is it a chip thing? A vampire thing? Is this going to happen to me, too? Is it whatever made the ‘bump’ noise? I knew it was evil and now—”

Spike’s infamous impatience and irritability simultaneously broke at this point, giving him the strength he needed to fling himself free of her grasp. Unfortunately, it also sent him ricocheting over the side of the bed. His feet tangled with the sheets as he went, and he landed squarely on his ass with a loud ‘thump’.

He let his head bang back on the cold earthen floor a couple of times before he noticed a blond head peering down at him from over the edge of the bed.

“Ouch,” Harmony winced slightly in sympathy. “That sounded like it hurt. That was really stupid, you know. And sooo not graceful. And—”

“Harm!” Spike yelled, cut off her persistent babbling. He let in a deep, unnecessary breath, welcoming his throat and lungs back to the world of the unliving.

“Is my Blondie Bear OK?” she gave him a sweet, little smile.

He shut his eyes tight and fought to calm down the twitching muscle in his jaw. “Blondie Bear is fine now, sweetie,” he said in as false a saccharine tone as he could manage. “’Specially since you’re not stranglin’ him anymore!”

Harmony crossed her arms over her bare breasts in defiance...and also to enhance her cleavage, just for good measure. “There’s no need to be rude,” she huffed slightly, before primping her hair.

Rude?!” Spike exclaimed in disbelief. “’ll tell you ‘bout ‘rude’! Rude is wakin’ people up in th’ middle of the night—”


“—Mornin’ for no reason whatsoever!” he finished his slightly amended rant.

“There was plenty of reason,” she countered. “I heard something. Right over there. It was going to kill us in our sleep.”

He let out a weary sigh. “We’re vampires,” he reminded her for the umpteenth time. “Nothin’ kills us in our sleep.”

“Except the Slayer!” Harmony’s eyes widened in alarm. “What if its her?! What if she’s finally come back for me?! And my little Huggy Poodle can’t even protect me!” She drew the sheet up to her nose and peered over the edge in wide-eyed terror.

“Oh, for cryin’ out...” Spike groaned. “’f it was the Slayer, she’d’a dusted us both already,” he insisted, rising to his feet. He couldn’t quite fight back the urge to stretch and preen a bit, though. Because, just on the off chance that the Slayer was there, he wanted her to get a good, long look at the goods she was missing by not caving in to their throbbing, mutual attraction.

Harmony, at least, noticed and licked her lips slightly, her fear receding slightly as lust took over. “Just check it out, OK honey?” she whispered nervously. “And then,” another quick lick over those suddenly dry lips, “come back to bed...”

Spike sighed and decided that this would probably be over a hell of a lot faster if he just caved in and did what she asked.

He stalked over to the darkened tunnel like the confident predator he was, earning an excited little squeal from Harmony as she watched his too-sexy ass as he went.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t the Slayer that was there, so she didn’t get a chance to see him at his irresistible best. Spike kicked away the piece of cardboard that had gotten stuck against one of the underground vents the Initiative had left behind with disgust. It made one final ‘bump’ suction noise before it was freed from the grate.

“There, see?” Spike said in annoyance, stalking back over to the bed. “’S nothin’.”

“Uh-huh...” Harmony nodded numbly, her eyes too well trained on certain regions of his anatomy to listen to anything he was saying.

Unfortunately, when he reached the bed, all he did was wrap himself back up in the sheets, turn away from her, and fall back asleep.

“Spikey...?” she began hesitantly.

Or, at least, he had tried to fall back asleep.

He let out an irritated hiss. “What now?” he asked.

“I can’t fall asleep,” she complained.

“Yeah, ‘s funny,” he retorted sarcastically, “’cause neither can I!” He shot her a venomous look over his shoulder before burying his face back into the pillow.


He squeezed his eyes shut and hoped she would just let it pass.


“Look, Harm,” he finally rolled over so that he was facing her, “jus’ close your eyes an’ start countin’ backwards from a thousand, OK?”

She gave him a truly pathetic look, complete with Bambi eyes and nibbling at the lower lip and everything.

He let out another weary sigh. “Here,” he said, opening his arms up to her resignedly.

She squealed and gave him a quick peck on the lips before she wrapped herself up in his embrace. Soon, they were both cuddled up together, their eyes closed once more.

And then one eye fluttered open.


No response. He was breathing occasionally into her hair, though. That usually meant that he was asleep.

“Spikey?” she repeated, poking him in the ribs.

“Huh?” he awoke with a start.

“I did it,” she informed him.

“What?” He was really too tired to deal with this.

“I counted backwards from a thousand,” she said proudly.

He groaned. “Start over again then,” he instructed. “This time count down by sevens.”

“Huh?” Now it was her turn to look confused.

“A thousand, nine-ninety-three, an’ keep countin’ down,” he clarified, before settling down to sleep again.

“Spikey?” she repeated after a minute’s thought.

He sighed. He really would’ve thought this would get less irritating after the ten thousandth time, but it never did. “What?” he demanded.

“What’s nine-ninety-three minus seven?” she asked.

An all-out howl of frustration now.

“Well, math was never my strong point!” she said defiantly. “It’s stupid anyway. I don’t want to count backwards.”

“Then don’t,” he retorted, exhausted.

“OK,” she said with a small smile, her hand sliding slowly down his firm stomach muscles. “Hey,” she said coyly, one leg wrapping around his waist, “wanna play?”

“No,” Spike grumbled, “wanna sleep.”

“C’mon, baby,” she teased lightly, her smooth calf running up and down his thigh sensuously, “just a little fun before bed?”

“’m sleepin’,” he insisted, turning away from her again.

Harmony ‘humph’ed before spooning up against his back. “Fine,” she huffed, “just sleep then. See what I care.” She wrapped one arm around his waist and let the other hand play with his soft, white hair.

“Spikey?” she finally asked, starting the ‘conversation’ up anew.

Silence. A deep breath. A definite pause, accompanied by the full-blown flinch. “What?” he finally dreaded to ask.

“How did you kill her?”

“Huh?” Back to nonsense, I see, he thought, rolling his eyes.

“In your dream,” she clarified, “you were killing the Slayer. You kept saying things like ‘so hot, so good’ and ‘Big Bad’s got you now’ and stuff. Were you drinking her blood?”

If Spike could have blushed, he would have. “Er...uh, yeah,” he said nervously. “’S exactly what I was doin’, pet.”

“That’s a nice dream,” she commented happily. “Some day I want to do that with a Slayer, too...” She shut her eyes.

Spike’s, however, widened. He had the sudden, inescapable image of Buffy and Harmony naked together in his bed, doing ‘that’. The mental image had all the stolen blood in his body headed southwards at an alarming rate.

He rolled over to face the woman beside him again and ground his hips up against hers excitedly...

And received a soft snore in response.

His jaw dropped in response. “’f all the...!” he managed to exclaim as he clutched his hair in frustration.

And then he let out a deep sigh and decided to take advantage of the silence while he could. He quickly turned away from her again and let his eyes drift shut, images of a petite warrior with golden hair flooding his mind as he wrapped his fingers around his hardness.

Finally sated, he let himself drift off into sleep once more...

An hour passed.


And then:


That was nothing, she told herself firmly, her eyes still shut. Just some water dripping somewhere. Or maybe some drool...of a big, hideous demon...that’s right by the bed, planning to eat me right now...


“Spikey!” Harmony screeched, shaking him frantically once again...

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