Companion Piece to His Skin Should be Blades
SPOILERS: Dead Things to As You Were.
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DISCLAIMER: Not mine the characters belong to Joss.
ANGST WARNING: Buffy is in a Dark Place - MN told us so, honest guv. Some Dark Themes
I can touch it though.
I touch it every time I come in her. For those few precious seconds, I'm there. Heaven blasts through my spinal column, right into my brain. I see it. I feel it. I'm there. It's all the taste I'll ever have. I can't get enough. I can never get enough.
I wish I could.
I try. For whole hours I try. I try to stay away. I want to. It's wrong; I know that. I'm not stupid. I'm a vampire, albeit a crippled one, and she's a Slayer. This can't end well, no matter what I want - not when she won't even look me in the face when she thinks I'm not looking. I should stay away. She beats me senseless, but I stay. She refuses to let me into the house and her life, but I stay. I watch Jerry and Oprah, I know this isn't right and can't end well. It doesn't help. Nothing helps. The booze, playing poker with Clem, watching my shows. Nothing works. She's my taste of heaven: the only taste I'll ever have. I need this. I need her. Even if it kills me I have to have this.
It probably will kill me. It came bloody close in that alley.
If it were just the sex, I'd run. It's not. I've had over a century of practice at sex; I know the difference. You name it and I've probably tried it, and enjoyed it. Her stamina is amazing, but so's that of a vampire. I had the most incredible sex with Dru, and I loved her too. She never stopped amazing me, and she loved me - as best she could. Dru took my last breath with sex. If I was ever going to taste heaven it should have been then, shouldn't it? I certainly would have qualified for an eternity of dulcet choirs, and fluttering birdies at that point. But I didn't taste it then. I didn't taste it for over one hundred and twenty years. There was no bleeding chance of tasting it with Harm, but I taste it with Buffy, and I'm hooked.
It's not just the sex. I love her. I love every inch of her. I love the way her toes grip my back. I could spend hours just playing with her hair, watching the way it gleams in the candlelight. I love tracing the delicate whorls of her ears. She has the most beautiful skin in captivity. It's the way she moves, whether she's dancing in the club - like when she threw the first bIow of our dance - or her dance of death under the moonlight. She captured me, hook line and sinker. I love her smile. It lights up the universe. I just wish she'd smile at me. I'd give up anything for her just to smile at me.
It wouldn't help.
I love her flaws and all. Hell I love her flaws. I love the way she'll ignore anything her friends do to hurt her - even dragging her out of heaven. I love the bumps of her nose. I've seen her lose that lovely figure I first felt in that school corridor. I've seen her lose that smile from all the pain. I've seen her freeze out the world to save it.
She hates my flaws, and they're all she sees.
I want to warm her, the way she warms me for those few precious seconds. I want her to let me smile at her, and for her to smile back at me. I want her to see me. I want her to let me be there for her. I want her to love me. I want her to let me love her, not just scratch an itch.
She won't let me.
All she will let me have is what leads to her being here in my bed, crashed out asleep. Hours, and hours of sex, pounding away at each other, scratching and taking. She'll take some things - can't get enough in fact - but she won't take me into her heart, just her body. But her body contains her heart, and gives me that priceless taste of heaven.
How could I give that up?