These are Anya's journal entries after "The Gift". It won't make any sense if you don't read "Two Ravens" and "Les Noyades" first.
Book of Days
I've been in this stupid hospital for three days now. Three days!! I wasn't aware that it was possible to be so bored and in so much pain. That would've made a good curse. I'll try to remember that.
I'm not sure exactly how I got hurt. I remember pushing Xander aside. I think that something fell on me. No one is really telling me anything, and I don't remember much about that night.
I remembered that Buffy died. No one had to tell me that. Even if I hadn't remembered, the looks on their faces would have told me. Xander is being very brave. He tries not to cry when he visits me, but he doesn't smile much. And with Xander that's a sure clue that he's sad.
And with the immediate crisis over, I find that I have enough worry in my head for everyone. I feel bad for Dawn. No mother, no sister. She must feel so alone. Giles is so sad. When he comes to visit he stands across the room, he barely talks.
Tara spends hours with me. Everyday she comes and sits by me. We don't really talk, she just holds my hand and sometimes tells me what's going on with the world. She is very comforting to have around.
Physiotherapists are sadists.
I can't believe it! I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT!!!!!!! Xander just asked me to marry him!!!! I know that he asked me before, but I thought that was just impending death talking. I didn't think that he'd ask again, but he did!! And I said YES! YES! YES!
I'm so excited. He loves me. He really loves me. And I love him. I love him so much. And I get to spend the rest of my life with him. I can't imagine anything better than that.
This hospital is terrible. I've been in hell dimensions with better food. They poke and push and make me move parts of my body that really don't want to move. And what is this obsession they have with my excretions? What is wrong with these people?
I get to go home tomorrow! I can't wait to get out of here. Xander says that we'll be staying at Buffy's. That's okay with me. Even his parents' basement would be better than this place.
Hmmm. Looks like I might have spoken too soon. It was okay, the first day. Xander stayed with me.
He carries me up and down the stairs, he helps me use the bathroom, and that's okay, even if it isn't very romantic. He baths me at night, and helps me get dressed. I've gotten used to the unorthodox colour matches.
It's hard depending on others. I'm not used to having to interact so much.
I don't mind Tara helping me. It's kind of embarrassing, but she told me that it was a girlie thing to do. Go to the bathroom together, that is. I'm pleased to be participating in female customs. But today Willow stayed with me.
It was awful. She sighed and rolled her eyes when I asked her to get me a book from upstairs, she snapped at me when I asked what was for lunch. Then when I called her because I needed to use the bathroom she told me that she was busy. I couldn't tell her that I needed her help. I felt all funny and hot inside. I think that might be shame. And I had to pee so badly. I just couldn't ask her again. I started to cry and Spike came to see what was wrong.
Spike. How embarrassing. But it wasn't. Not really. He was matter of fact and very helpful. I hate having to rely on others. I'm going to pay more attention to my exercises. Even though they hurt and I HATE THEM!
And then there's Miss Kitty. She's nothing more than a rabbit with short ears and a long tail. It's beyond me why anyone would want to keep one of these creatures as a pet.
I'm worried about Xander. He isn't sleeping well. He lies beside me for a couple of hours, then gets up and walks around the house. Then he comes back to bed and cuddles up, but he gets up again! He keeps doing this. I know that every time he gets up it will be seven minutes before he comes back. I pretend that it doesn't wake me. I know that would upset him.
Tara and I gave each other manicures today. I'm enjoying having a girlfriend. Not in a lesbian way. Xander teased me about my fancy nails while he was rubbing my legs. Then he started playing with my feet, tickling me, blowing on me. And he wouldn't let me see what he was doing. Then he showed me. He'd painted each of my toenails with a different colour of polish. And then he drew happy faces on my big toes. It's times like this that I have my Xander back.
Xander brought me a big pile of Bride magazines today. It's an interesting ritual. When I was a girl there was a ceremonial bloodletting. I think I like the pretty dress and presents better.
Dawn wants to be a bridesmaid, which apparently entails wearing a pink satin dress and carrying flowers. I think that it's misleading to call her a bridesmaid when she isn't required to wait on me.
It's been a while since I've written anything. Giles brought the account books from the shop. They are such a mess! I should never have left him alone with them. I told him quite firmly that I didn't need to walk to pull him from the brink of financial disaster.
Anya Emmanuela Christina Harris Jenkins-Harris Harris-Jenkins
Anya and Xander Harris
Anya and Xander Jenkins-Harris
Miss Kitty jumped up on me today. Before I could push her away she curled up and started making an engaging rumbling noise. She slept on my lap for an hour. She's actually pretty cute, and Giles says that cats hunt rabbits. I wonder if she'll sleep in our room.
Tara says that having myrtle at a wedding guarantees fertility, but Willow says that roses are more of a status symbol. I don't want to get this wrong. I want all of the good luck and symbolism to be present at our wedding.
I got my hands on the household budget today. Good lord, 15% of the monthly expenses is hair care related!
I talked to Spike about it. I couldn't convince him to go back to his natural colour. Vampires are so vain, and that's odd because they can't see their reflections, but I have noticed it on more than one occasion. He did agree to wait longer between bleachings. But I have to wait too. At least six weeks between new colours. We are going to help each other, though. It'll make it easier to do a thorough job.
I was talking to the girls about cutting back on spending, and Willow got mad. She said that she didn't see how buying cheaper cat food would help when I was planning a blow-out extravaganza wedding. I checked into some prices. Do you know that the wedding I was planning would have cost at least fifty thousand dollars!!! ,000.00 Fifty thousand! I don't think so. We can get married the old fashioned way, forget the symbolism and fancy dresses, all we need is a stone and a sharp knife. And presents. People can still give us presents.
Do you know what I'm most looking forward to? Having a baby. That's not entirely accurate. I think that I will enjoy being a mother, I've come to appreciate small, soft things that make odd noises, but I'm so looking forward to Xander being a father.
He doesn't think that he'll be a good father. He thinks that he'll be as bad at it as his own Dad. But he won't. He's so gentle with me. He takes care of me with no complaint. He's so patient, so loving. When he washes my hair he's so careful to keep the shampoo out of my eyes, and when he combs it he's so sorry if he pulls a knot. He kisses my toes before he pulls my socks on, and he cuddles me in his sleep.
All I can think of is Xander bathing our child, combing her hair, braiding it, kissing the top of her head. I get to watch Xander realise that he's a good father. I get to be there when he notices how much his kids love and trust him. I get to watch him cradle our babies with all of the tender protectiveness in him. I am so lucky that he will be the father of my children.
Xander just asked me why I was looking at my ring. I told him I was looking at the future. It's all there, just as bright as a diamond. I can see it. I am so glad to see each day pass. Every day brings us closer to the future. To our lives together.
It was so funny tonight! Spike and Giles did a scene from A Midsummer Night's Dream and had us all in stitches. Spike was so appalled that Dawn didn't like the play, she should really see the movie. Rupert Everett could change a person's mind about anything.
I don't remember the last time Xander laughed like that. Even now he has a smile on his face. And he's sleeping! No roaming the house tonight. He looks so peaceful. I'm going to get to sleep myself. I don't want to disturb him with the light, and I'm pretty worn out.
I'll write more tomorrow.
But I really think that things are going to be okay, I really think that the future is beginning.
Continued in Mea Maxima Culpa