By mr. monkeybottoms
DISCLAIMER: So, Joss is like all over me at the party last night, and I’m all, like, ‘Cut it out’ and stuff, and he’s still trying to mack with me, and my boyfriend comes over and shakes him like dirty linen and everyone’s all screaming and calling security...like he’s some kind of important writer-director-creator guy. So, the security goons toss my boyfriend out and Joss is still all, ‘Oh, Mr. Monkeybottoms, don’t leave! The party’s just getting started...in my pants!’ I roll my eyes so he gets all cheesed at me and says, ‘Fine. No profits for you then.’ So I scarf down his Crantini and vamoose. The party sucked anyway. ME couldn’t party their way out of a wet paper bag.
THANK YOU: One and all, thank you for your reviews, they always make me wriggle in delight. We all love those Pop Rocks! Maybe next time I will write a fic and title it ‘Twizzlers: Ribbed For Her Pleasure.” But, for now, we must all say ‘goodbye’ to this fic, as it must end sometime, and that sometime is chapter 14. Seriously now. I promise I will write another story...just let me finish this one, lol.
WHOO-BABY: Buffy and the gang had the funnest-fun-factory-time you could have at a dinner party. Anya displayed her clever mind yet again and came up with the best use for candy ever. And you thought they were for eating! Silly you! Willow and Tara followed suit. Buffy stashed some away for later but reconsidered after some table-time confessions and sticky undies. Spike stirred the white sauce. Spike opened wine. Spike called Angel a poof. Joyce was shocked that Buffy and Spike were doin’ the horizontal tango. Giles drank and drank. Poor Giles! He needed a few days to get over that nasty hangover after the dinner. Wine’ll getcha every time. Now, Buffy and Spike are trying for some ‘alone time’, but that is easier said than done...
“Hey, Brad Pitt is fantastic.” Buffy said, smacking him in the arm. Her eyes never left the screen. “He’s a genius, and not too hard on the eyes either. Then there‘s the lovely Tom Cruise and the beautiful Antonio...they make Interview With the Vampire worth renting.”
Spike’s eyebrows rose. “Beautiful? Tell me you aren’t serious.”
“Hmmmm?” Buffy said absently. Antonio was running his fingers through the flame and it was damn sexy.
“Buffy?” Spike asked quietly. She didn’t answer, eyes glued to the TV, absentmindedly eating popcorn. “Bugger this.” He strode over to the VCR and ejected the movie.
“What are you doing?” Buffy blinked as he crushed the tape with one squeeze of his hand, then stomped it into the carpet beneath his boots, grinding his heel viciously. “Um...we’re gonna have to pay for that now. Mr. Blockbuster isn’t going to be impressed.”
Spike marched back over to her and yanked her up, kissing her fiercely. Buffy immediately forgot all about the broken movie and gasped as he thrust his hands in her hair, holding her head tightly as he ravaged her mouth. He kissed her fiercely, stealing her breath away with his possessiveness. All at once he let go and she plopped back down onto the couch, dazed. Spike stared down at her, smug.
“Antonio is a ponce.”
Buffy smiled slowly. “You’re jealous!”
“What!” Spike sat down and crossed his arms, a look of disbelief on his face. “Jealous? Not bloody likely!”
“You are! You. Are. Jealous.”
Spike made a snorty noise.
“Ha!” Buffy grinned. “What’s the matter, Big Bad? Worried that fictional vampires are more attractive than the real thing?” She leaned over him, pushing her breasts into his arm ever so slightly. He pretended not to notice. “I mean, Anne Rice really has a following with the Goth-and-Angst crowd. Maybe you wish she’d write a book about you.” She sighed deeply, nipples traveling in a half-circle over his skin.
Spike swallowed, eyes staring at her chest. The tops of her breasts were peeking out as she leaned, and her hard little nipples drawing curlicues all over his arm were driving him crazy. “Anne Rice wouldn’t know a vamp if one bit her on her ample arse.”
“Arse?” Buffy giggled a bit at the word, but it was cut off as Spike grabbed her again, pushing her down into the couch cushions, mouth hot on hers. He held her hips, grinding against her, his hand moving down until he found what he was looking for. Buffy moaned as he squeezed.
“Arse.” Spike muttered, moving against her lazily. “And I seem to have found a lovely one right here.” He kissed her some more and she wrapped her legs around his waist tightly, pulling him against her harder. “Mmmmm...Slayer, naughty girl.”
Buffy smiled against his mouth. “I can be naughty...” She whispered, making him gasp a bit as her tongue licked at his lips. “I can-” The phone rang.
“Don’t answer that.” Spike muttered, kissing her neck.
Buffy groaned. “I have to, Slayer destiny and all that. Lives depend on me, blah blee blee blah. It is my birthright to answer the phone when it rings...like the Bat phone. Only, less cool.” She sat up slowly, squirming out from under Spike, and picked it up on the fifth ring.
“Oh Buffy, thank heavens you’re home. I was afraid I’d missed you and you’d already left to patrol.”
Buffy sighed. “Hi Giles. No, I haven’t left yet, Spike and I were just, uh...” Her eyes went to the pile of plastic on the floor, “Watching a movie. Till he killed it.”
“Oh, Spike is there?” Buffy could almost hear the sound of his handkerchief against his glasses as he paused, franticly cleaning. “Yes, well, very good then. We won’t have to go looking for him. We have a situation.”
“A situation?” Buffy sighed. “But it’s my night off from situations! Situation free, I believe! It’s not another apocalypse, is it? Cause I didn’t notice the earth moving.” Spike grinned at her suggestively and she blushed. “No earthquake.” She clarified.
Giles paused. “Well, not quite the end of the world, no...”
“Not quite? I don’t like the sound of that at all. I‘d much prefer not at all the end of the world, or, we‘re all going to Disneyland!”
Spike looked up. “We’re going to Disneyland? Ooh, I like Disneyland. One time Dru and I hid in the Haunted House and drained and entire high school class that was there for a pre-grad party...heh, they had a hell of a time covering that up, eh, Walt?” He chuckled to himself , remembering, until he noticed Buffy’s glare. “Erm, I mean, uh, I can’t wait to ride down ‘Splash Mountain’ with the Wicca lesbians.” Buffy glared harder.
“Hurry up now, Buffy. The others will be here shortly. Oh, and Buffy? Bring weapons.”
“Alright.” Buffy hung up and turned to Spike. “Suit up. We’ve got trouble.”
“Right then.” Spike jumped up and grabbed his duster.
Buffy pulled out her weapon chest and duffle bag. “Giles said to hurry, so we’d better take your car.” Spike looked horrified.
“Not bloody likely!”
Buffy gave him a wheedling look and pouted. “Pleeeeese Spike. I want to drive. I have my license.”
“A license to kill is more like it Slayer. I’ve heard about you and cars, you know. Word gets around the undead circle. There is no way in hell I’m letting you drive my DeSoto.” Spike crossed his arms, looking a bit worried at Buffy’s sly smile.
Twenty minutes later, Buffy pulled up to the apartment complex where Giles lived, one wheel coming to rest on the curb lopsidedly. Spike sat in the drivers side, frozen.
“It doesn’t matter what you pull next time, there is never going to be another situation that involves me in the passenger side of this car.” Spike gasped, still recovering from Buffy’s driving, and Buffy’s ministrations before they’d left.
“Hey, I delivered what I promised.” Buffy said, looking at his pants.
“I think an encore is owed after this. You scratched the paint! And ran over a chipmunk, I might add.”
“It was an evil chipmunk.” Buffy frowned. “I could tell. And besides, it’s not my fault it ran out in front of me, or that your brake is so close to the accelerator.”
“And the paint?” Spike asked.
“Evil garbage can.” Buffy turned off the car and fiddled with the keys. “Your keys are stuck.” She jangled them in frustration. “Stupid keys! Come...out...!” Spike reached over and put the car into park, then took the keys out, tucking them safely into his pocket.
“Ready?” He asked dryly. She nodded sheepishly. “Good. Let’s go find out what has ole Rupie’s knickers in a bunch.”
The Scoobies were all there when they walked in. Willow and Tara were in the corner, mixing what smelled like a bowl of rancid animal fat, chanting. Xander sat, sharpening a large stake. Anya read a magazine, a bored look on her face.
“Buffy.” Giles looked up from the pile of books on his table and sighed in relief. “You made it here in record time.”
Buffy put the weapon bag down on the floor. “That’s cause Spike let me drive.”
Shocked silence. Xander stopped whittling. The girls stopped chanting. Anya stopped turning pages.
“No wonder you look even more pale than usual.” Xander said to Spike, shaking his head. “Didn’t you know? Slayer and technology don’t mix. At all. Buffy can barely use the toaster.”
“That is so not true!” Buffy said, offended. “The settings just happen to be on dark every time I use it.” She looked away, muttering. “Stupid toaster.”
Giles cleared his throat, getting the room’s attention, a rather serious look on his face. “Enough about Buffy’s appliance deficiencies. We have bigger fish to fry.” He pulled open his book and pointed at the illustration inside. “I’ve been reading The Pergamum Codex Fascinating book, really. These prophecies always run their course, never been wrong...”
“That’s great, Giles. “ Buffy said, crossing her arms. “I do seem to remember that little book of yours, what with the wacky tale of my death against the Master all layed down like some twisted bedtime story. Hmmmm, yes, it does ring a bell.” She straightened suddenly. “There’s not another thingy about me in there, right? Cause that really puts a damper on the whole ‘After the Situation’ party I was planning.”
‘Oh, no. Buffy, it’s not about you, thank heavens.” Giles said. He peered at the page again, squinting a little as he read. “And from the depths of darkness he shall rise, the one they named ‘Hereth’, bringing with him the root of all evil. His defeat will not be easily come by but for the soul-less warrior who walks as life but lives not.” He stopped reading and looked up expectantly. No one said a word. “Well?”
“Well what?” Xander asked, looking puzzled. “We have no idea what that means.”
“Yeah. I don’t speak librarian.” Spike fiddled with a dagger, balancing it on his finger. “Who bloody cares what it means? Let’s go find whatever it is that’s rising and kill it. Plain and simple.”
“It’s not that easy, Spike.” Giles looked uncomfortable. “After all, the prophesy is about you.”
Spike dropped the knife. “Me?”
“Him?” Xander choked.
Anya shrugged. “Well, any fool could see that. Spike’s the living undead guy it’s talking about.” She went back to the ‘Cosmo’ she’d been reading. There was a poll she needed to finish taking. It would tell her if she was ‘woman enough’ in the sack for her man, and she was desperate to find the answer.
Spike glared. “I am not a warrior of good!” He kicked the knife back up effortlessly, catching it in his hand. “I’m just here. Just fighting. No good.” He pointed the blade as emphasis.
Buffy grinned. “Sorry Spike, but the jig is up. You’re a good guy now. Time to hand in your ‘Hi, I’m evil! Ask me how!’ pin.” Spike looked sulky and turned away.
“The book is very clear, I’m afraid. We must go and battle the Hereth tonight, all of us, and we must use every means possible to defeat it.” He paused. “But only Spike shall be the one able to administer the death blow. Without him the hellmouth will open once again. The world will be lost.”
“You said it wasn’t an apocalypse, big fibber!” Buffy said to Giles. “Situation my Aunt Fanny!”
“Well, this is the end then, isn’t it?” Xander put the stake down dejectedly. “We all know Spike’s not gonna help us keep the hellmouth closed. And I just ordered that new Time-Life book series too.”
“Oh, the one about World War II?” Willow asked excitedly. Tara looked at her and she shrugged. “History gets me excited. Oh, but not in a sexy way...um, I mean, you know, in an intellectual, learning kinda way.”
Anya slapped her Cosmo down on the table, making everyone look over at her in surprise. “Well. It seems I’m not woman enough in the sack.” She send Xander a glare. “Why didn’t you tell me? How selfish of you.”
He shook his head. “Huh?”
“Would you all just shut your holes?” The Scoobies all looked at Spike. “I don’t see how you all have managed to get this far. Nutters, every single one of you.” He strode over to Buffy, who looked at him silently, and turned at the group. “I couldn’t care less if you all died tomorrow while crossing the street.” He said quietly, ignoring Xander’s gasp of indignation. He continued, turning back to Buffy, waving a hand in Tara‘s direction. “Well, maybe I’d miss the shy one over there, she’s nice enough. As for the lot of you, well, you’ve all been a thorn in the rump, now haven’t you? It shouldn’t matter if you live or die.” He raised his dagger at Buffy, slowly turning it so the blade faced his heart. She didn’t blink, staring into the intense blue of his eyes. “But it would matter to Buffy...it would kill her. And I would die before I let that happen.” He leaned in closer to her until their lips were almost touching. “I love you, Buffy.” He said, so quietly that only she could hear him. “I’ll die for you.”
Buffy swallowed hard. “I love you Spike.” She leaned forward ever so slightly and put her lips on his. “And we all know that dagger won‘t kill you.”
“Doin’ my best, Slayer.” Spike said, giving her his usual cocky grin, making her smile.
“What? What are you two saying over there?” Xander demanded.
“He’s saying he’ll do it.” Buffy said, looking at the Scoobies. “Oh, and he also whispered that he really does like you, but is too vampire-y to admit it.”
Spike gasped. “Did not! I never said that!”
Buffy marched over to her weapons and rummaged through them. “Spike.” She threw a heavy double-edged axe in his direction without so much as a backwards glance. He caught it easily and swung it around a bit, testing the feel. Standing up, she hoisted the duffle bag over her shoulder and smiled at her friends. “Ready?” They nodded. “Let’s go stop the hellmouth.”
Giles opened the door and they filed out. And as Spike walked through the door he found Buffy by his side, her hand linked in his.
He smiled. And tripped Xander on his way out, just for good measure.