By mr. monkeybottoms
DISCLAIMER: I come up to Joss the other day and say, “Hey! Joss, how’s about you gimme some cash for this story I’m writing?” And he scoffs and says, “Hey! Mr. Monkeybottoms, how’s about you shut the hell up?” That was uncalled for.
THANKS: I am so glad you liked the last chapter. After a while, you just aren’t sure if the stuff you just typed is actually funny anymore! I give snuggles to all of you! And once again, thanks to Bubonic for her help. She gave me the idea to use my candy theory with Xander in this chapter on one of our hilarious late night talks, and she always encourages me to write some more.
LAST TIME ON BTVS: Little Johnny was trapped in a cave, and the tide was coming in fast! ‘Eeee! Eeee!’ Flipper whistled, clapping his fins happily. Cause, you know, that Little Johnny was such an asshole, always taunting Flipper with the fish. ‘Who wants a fish? Huh? Does Flipper want a fish? Huh? HUH?’ Flipper was glad he was in the cave. Flipper hoped he’d never have to see that Little Johnny again. Screw you Little Johnny! Whoopsies....got a little carried away there. Actually, Xander caught Buffy riding the all-night express train I like to call Spike. Spike and Xander fought like big babies. Xander needed the ‘EYE-lert‘, but had to settle for Tara’s overpriced bottled water instead. Anya said some Anya-type things, all involving sex. Buffy tied up Spike and Xander, but not in a kinky way. Giles was clueless. It is the next night, and everyone is having dinner at The Summer’s house. You know, for fun.
Buffy looked over at Xander. “A half hour at the most.” She said. “But if you keep eating that candy you’ll fill up before we even start.”
Xander popped another chewy sweet in his mouth and shook his head. “That’s a negatory, I always have room for your mom’s home cookin’. Down at my place a home made meal means we order out and have it delivered.” He fished another bag out from the pile on the table and held it out to the group. “Fuzzy Peach?”
Tara peeked into the bag and pulled one out. “Mmmm, Fuzzy Peach. My favorite.”
“What else do you have?” Willow leaned over, interested.
“Um...” Xander picked through the bags he brought. “Let’s see...Fuzzy Peach, Cherry Blasters, Swedish Berries, Sweet Tarts, Sour Patch ...”
Willow perked up. “Sour Patch? I love those! Gimme.” She received a handful from Xander. Chewing, she noticed Anya frowning. “What’s wrong Anya? Do you want some too? There’s more.”
Anya looked at the candies and shrugged. “It’s just that all these candies are references to the female anatomy.” The Scoobies looked at her blankly and she nodded. “Really, they are. Don’t you see it? Fuzzy peach...” She raised her eyebrows suggestively. “Sour patch? Of course you two would love those.” She added, motioning towards Tara and Willow. Tara choked and went beet red.
“What?” Xander said through a mouthful of Cherry Blasters.
“Yes! I’m serious. Those are slang for the vagina. Swedish Berries are nipples. Cherry Blasters, well, they mean a when virginity is lost and the hym-”
“An!” Xander said.
Buffy quickly put down the Cherry Blaster she was about to eat.
“What? We are all mature adults here. Granted I am older than any of you by over a thousand years, but being freshly made I consider myself younger. I do look younger anyways. And even I know that Sweet Tarts means the flavour of a woman’s juic-”
“What about these?” Xander blurted, desperate to cut her off. He held up another pack of candy. Anya read the label.
“Pop Rocks.” She shrugged. “What are those?”
Xander tore open the pack and dumped a small amount into his hand. “Here, try them.”
Anya obediently licked them off his palm and looked at him questionably. Within a few seconds the candy began to explode in her mouth and her eyes grew wide. “These are amazing!”
“Yeah.” Xander smiled and ate some Mike and Ike’s.
“Xander, put down that candy-which is a gay insinuation by the way-and listen to this.” She put the mouth close to his ear. Xander laughed.
“I know what it does An.” He said. She swallowed the candy and leaned in, whispering into his ear this time, a suggestive smile on her face. Xander’s eyes opened wide and he glanced down at his pants. “Um, Buffy? I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” He turned back to Anya, whispered something in her ear, grabbed another pack of Pop Rocks and took off out of the room. Buffy, Willow and Tara all looked at Anya.
“I’m supposed to wait a few minutes and then make a plausible excuse to leave the room so I can sneak upstairs to the bathroom with Xander. So we can have oral sex!” She said happily. Standing up, she gave the others a little wave and hurried out.
The girls were quiet.
“Ok, That was disturbing.” Buffy stood up. “I’m gonna go see if Mom needs some help in the kitchen.” She quickly walked out.
Willow squeezed Tara’s hand and they smiled at each other sweetly. “I’m going to forget any of that ever happened and think about supper instead. Are you getting hungry baby?” She asked. “Buffy’s mom is making yummy linguini with clam-” She cut off when Buffy came back in.
“Uh...” Buffy said, standing next to the candy pile. “I, uh...” She blushed and grabbed a pack of the Pop Rocks. Willow and Tara’s mouths dropped open. Buffy shrugged, red now. “I really like them is all!” She turned on her heel and almost ran back out.
“Well. I didn’t expect...” Willow said, looking over to see Tara slipping the exploding candy into her pocket. “Tara!”
Tara cheeks were still pink, but she smiled slowly at Willow. Willow shut up and grinned back.
Buffy popped her head into the kitchen and almost died at the sight of Spike stirring something on the stove, chatting away with Joyce. She picked up the apron sitting on the counter and held it in front of her teasingly. “Need to put this on? Hate to see that red shirt of yours get splattered.” She looked at the front of the apron, frowning slightly. “It even says, ‘Kiss the Big Bad’. Huh, that’s lucky.”
Spike glared at her. “Oh ha bloody ha Slayer.” He stopped stirring and Joyce poked him.
“Don’t stop, it’ll burn.” She said. He immediately began to mix again, a worried look on his face. Buffy almost laughed, but quickly hid it when Spike shot an annoyed glance at her.
The doorbell rang. “I bet that‘s Giles.” Buffy said. Sure enough, her Watcher came into the kitchen, two bottles of wine in his hand.
“Why, thank you Rupert.” Joyce took the bottles from him. “How nice. But you brought so much!”
Giles smiled sheepishly. “Just a small gesture really, a thank you for inviting me over for dinner. Plus, I wasn‘t sure which you‘d like, a merlot or a chardonnay, so I, uh, brought both. Whichever one goes best with dinner.”
“Well, the dinner party was all Buffy’s idea. I’m afraid I can’t take any of the credit for that. And we are having linguini with a clam sauce, so I think the chardonnay. Would you, please, Spike?“ She said and handed Spike a wine opener. He looked at her, then the opener in his hand. He poked at it with one finger, testing the sharpness of the pointy tip, giving a few experimental swipes in the air with it. The others watched him, confused.
“Use it to open the wine.” Buffy hissed. Spike stopped jabbing and gave her a look.
“I know how to use this. I was just...inspired. One never knows what can be used as a weapon against you. Be one up on your opponent, I always say.”
“Right. Cause there are so many Kitchen Demons just waiting and lurking, hoping to catch us with a mouth full of peas, and then wham! It gets us with the waffle iron.”
Spike raised and eyebrow at her as he deftly opened the wine. “There’s no need for sarcasm.”
Buffy shook her head. “What? Did you just talk like Giles?”
Spike and Giles both looked at her, offended.
“So, when’s the feast about to be served? I’m famished.” Xander came in, looking a little breathless, Anya in tow. “I’m at your service Mrs. Summers. Can I help you with anything?”
“I believe you’ve done enough.” Buffy said, glancing towards Anya, who had a Cheshire cat grin on her face. Anya’s smile grew even broader and Buffy rolled her eyes. “Why don’t we all go sit down?”
Spike sniffed Xander as they went into the dining room. “What are you wearing now, Harris?” He frowned. “You smell even fruitier than usual.” Anya walked past him and his eyes widened. “Eww Harris, really, using your girl’s perfume now? You really are a major poof. Don’t know what the demon-girl sees in you.”
“Xander is the sweetest guy in the entire world.” Anya said, looking at Xander lovingly as she settled into her chair, wriggling around a bit. “He’d do anything for me. Why, just now he was kind enough to-”
“Um, Xander, did you see Willow and Tara anywhere?” Buffy came in just in time to stop the sharing of things that never needed to be shared, a heaping bowl of pasta in her hands. “I can’t find them.”
Xander shook his head. “They weren’t in the living room when we came down from the bath-uh, they, um, they weren’t there.” He shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
Spike watched him squirm about. “What’s the matter with you? Caught a bad case of the pox?” He shook his head. “Figures.”
“No, I do not have the pox...whatever that is. So shut it.” Xander glared at him.
“Oh! Is dinner ready?” Willow and Tara burst into the room, also looking a bit breathless. “We, um, we were just, uh...”
“Practicing spells.” Tara filled in helpfully. Willow nodded franticly.
“Yes! Spells!” She laughed nervously. “Spells is what we were doing. Spells, and the practicing of these spells.” She sat down, smoothing her hair into place. Spike stared at her, nostrils flaring, then at Tara. Then back to Xander and Anya.
“What the bloody hell is going-” He jumped. “Ow! Did you just kick me?” Buffy smiled a big, fake smile at him.
Everyone was quiet for a moment as the food was dished out and sampled, wine poured.
“A toast.” Giles held up his glass and the others followed suit. “To Joyce for her delicious meal. And to all of us, a worthy team and a force to be reckoned with! Evil of the world, beware!” The glasses tinkled as they all touched.
“Beware!” Xander said enthusiastically. He took a healthy swallow and squirmed a bit more in his chair.
Willow moved around restlessly.
Anya frowned and pulled at her skirt and sighed in frustration. “I’m still all sticky!” She complained loudly. Xander choked on his linguini and Giles pounded him on the back in concern. “Xander, these candies made me all gooey on my vagina! You must be sticking to your boxers too.” Giles took his hand away from Xander’s back as if it were scalded.
Joyce poured herself more wine.
“An!” Xander gave the table a weak smile. “She’s just kidding.”
“No I’m not. I’m really uncomfortable, and my panties are all sticky, and not in that good way.”
Buffy had second thoughts about the candy in her pocket. And about ever inviting anyone over for dinner ever again. “Uh...” she trailed off, having no idea what to say.
“Bollocks!” Spike made a face. “So that’s why you all smell the same! You Wiccas were doin’ it too!” He pointed accusingly. Willow’s mouth dropped open in fake outrage.
“What!? No! No, we weren’t doing anything with Pop Rocks! We were doing a spell, like Tara said. A very powerful spell.” She pointed across at Xander and Anya. “They were the ones in the bathroom together!” Everyone gasped and looked at the couple.
Giles moved further away from Xander. “Really now, I don’t think this is appropriate dinner conversation-”
“Willow’s gay!” Anya said at the top of her voice, pointing back to the witches. All eyes swiveled, again.
Tara poured herself more wine.
Willow looked defiant. “That’s right! I’m gay now! I have embraced the other side of my sexuality. Tara and I are gay together. She’s my girlfriend, so there!” She crossed her arms and stared back at the table.
“Willow...” Giles looked shocked. Willow panicked.
“Buffy and Spike are sleeping together!” She blurted.
“Hey!” Buffy said. Willow winced apologetically.
“Buffy!” Joyce gasped, looking from her daughter to the vampire next to her. Spike gave her an awkward pat on the shoulder, but pulled his hand away at the look she gave him. “He’s just as old as Angel!”
“Actually, I’m younger than that incredible poofter...” He trailed off at Buffy’s glare. “Right then.” He picked up his fork and continued eating.
Giles stood up silently, and left the room, not saying a word. Buffy watched him, crushed.
“Giles, wait...” She stood up to go after him, but paused as he returned, the other bottle of wine in his hand. Buffy sat back down. He plunked the wine down in front of him, opened it, and poured a brimming glass.
“Joyce?” He offered. She nodded and he gave her a healthy pour. Putting the bottle back down he picked up his own glass and drained it. Pouring himself another, he finally looked at the group. “Now.” He said slowly, “Pass me the cheese bread.”
Continued in Chapter fourteen