By mr. monkeybottoms
DISCLAIMERS: Last night, as I bubble-bathed it up with Joss, I brought up the subject of BTVS. “Oh, let’s not talk about that, shall we?” He sighed, smiling at me, sipping his champagne. “But, it’s so full of angst, and the writing was rather poor this season.” I complain, eating a handful of chocolates. “We need some fun...and maybe you should have Spike more naked.” “But we’ve already got him down to just a sock!” He whines, really putting a damper on ‘the mood’. “If you don’t like it why don’t you write a story?” I shrugged. “Fine.” As I got out of the Jacuzzi Joss screamed after me, furious, “You do realize that you get NOTHING from Mutant Enemy!!!” Geeze, those veins really stand out when he gets mad.
THANKS: Seriously, to all of you who enjoy this silly little ditty of a story, thanks! If you laugh at least once during each chapter I put up then I am a happy monkey.
LAST TIME, ON DR. MR. MONKEYBOTTOMS, MD: “I need twenty cc’s of blood! STAT!” Dr Mr. Monkeybottoms cried, looking at the gorgeous vampire laying unconscious on the gurney. “And for the love of god, someone hand me some scissors! This man’s shirt needs to be removed! STAT! Out of my way, Doogie!” Or... not... Actually, first patrol went rather poorly, what with all the injuries and ruined clothing and so forth. Spike insulted Xander as much as possible. Willow borrowed Buffy’s top. Whoopsie. Xander and Buffy were surprised to hear of Willow’s new-found gayness. We all were, though, weren’t we? I mean, gay? Come on, we all know it’s called bi-sexual, but hey, just try to talk about that on a posting board! Can you say taboo subject? I sure can. Buffy went home and showered with Spike. Whoa! Buffy shoved a naked Spike out her window. Is it just me, or does Buffy have a thing for windows after sex? Joyce heard a giant squirrel demon on the roof. HA!
“Oh, good morning Xander. Come in.” She said, going back into the kitchen. “You’re out and about early. How about some coffee?” She waved her hand towards the fresh pot. Xander shook his head.
“Thanks Mrs. Summers, but I’m off anything that resembles adulthood. Strictly pop and chocolate milk for me from here on in. Oooh! Are those Pop Tarts?” He grabbed one out of the box and tore the cellophane open. “Now these, these are a delicacy.” Joyce watched as he bit into it with vigor. “Where’s Buffy?” Xander asked, mouth full. A few crumbs escaped to the counter and he dabbed at them with his finger.
Joyce grabbed the J-Cloth. “She’s still upstairs.” She said, wiping. “Exercising.”
“Exercising?” Xander said around the Pop Tart.
“Exercising.” Joyce repeated. “Probably doing her aerobics, or her Step, I heard her banging around when I was getting dressed.” She smiled and picked up the purse. “Why don’t you go let her know you’re here? I’m off to work. Tell her I’ll be home around six.”
Xander took another pack of Tarts out. “Sure.” Giving Joyce a wave as she left, he slowly made his way to the stairs, tearing the package open and taking a huge bite. Mmmm...chemical strawberry goodness. He came up to Buffy’s room, pausing for a moment outside her door. She was definitely working hard, he could hear her panting and a rhythmical pounding. Must be the Reebok step, he thought. Giving the door a quick knock, he opened it and stepped inside.
“Hey Buff, I-” His eyes bugged out, Pop Tart spewing everywhere.
Buffy frantically grabbed at the fallen sheets, covering her sweaty, naked form. “Xander!”
Spike frowned. “Buffy...”
Xander choked some more. “Spike!”
Spike rolled his eyes. “Xander.”
“Spike!” Buffy said, warningly.
Xander stared. “Buffy!”
Spike stood up, fishing his pants out from under the bed. “All right, I think we’ve had enough with the introductions.” He said cockily and pulled his pants on, zipper loud in the shocked silence of the room.
“YOU!” Xander said accusingly. He came forward, grabbing Buffy’s stake from the dresser. “You! Are! So! Dead!” Spike took one look at the stake and backed up.
“Whoa! C’mon now, no need for that. Put the stake down, mate.”
Buffy smacked him as he backed away from the weapon. “You said you locked the door!”
“Yeah, um, can we talk about this later, luv?” He ducked the swipe Xander took. “Listen! Harris! Don’t do something you’re gonna regret!” He jumped over the rumpled bed. “Or are you just so enamored of me that the smallest glimpse of my naked body has you all hot?”
“Shut up you sick freak!” Xander circled the bed slowly, looking for an opening to attack.
“Xander! Stop it.” Buffy tried to pull the sheet off to wrap around her, but it was tangled on one of Spike’s feet. She yanked hard and Spike fell. “Oops! Sorry!” Abandoning the covers, she grabbed for her clothes instead, dropping the sheet far enough that most of her upper body was exposed.
“I can’t believe this!” Xander shouted, pointing the stake at Spike, coming over for the kill.. “I can’t believe you’d take advantage of Buff...” He trailed off, noticing her naked state. “Buffy!” He turned away, even more mortified. “Averting eyes! Averting eyes!”
Spike took the opportunity to tackle him while he was distracted, knocking the stake across the room. They both fell heavily. “Dammit!” He seized his head, groaning.
Xander sat up slowly, winded from the fall. Buffy came over, dressed now, and kneeled next to him. “Xander? Are you ok?” He nodded. “Good.” She said, and slapped him across the face. “That’s for barging into my room and trying to stake Spike.”
“Ow!” Xander shook his head, dazed.
“Heh, serves you right, trying to dust me, interrupting-” Spike was cut off by a slap too.
“That’s for not locking the door.”
“Hey!” Spike rubbed his head. “Let’s show a little sympathy for the guy who almost got staked, shall we? Not to mention the migraine!” Xander scoffed.
“The only person who needs some sympathy is me! I’m the one who had to see...” He shuddered, “You naked.”
“And Buffy.” Spike reminded him.
“And Buffy-no! Wait!” Xander flushed as Buffy glared at him. “NO! No naked Buffy, I swear! I didn’t see anything, and I definitely didn’t see nipples or breasts, or, or...anything. No, I looked away when the sheet was all, erm, down.” He turned and punched Spike in the face, furious. “You slept with Buffy!”
Spike reared up and punched him back, hard. Xander's nose gave a loud crunch and blood splattered, but Spike was too busy writhing on the floor in extreme pain to appreciate it.
“That’s it, I’m tying you both up.”
Ten minutes later, the two of them were trussed up like chickens for the roasting, sitting downstairs on the couch together. Buffy stood before them, arms crossed.
“There. That should keep you to from killing each other.”
Xander wiped his nose on his shoulder, leaving a bloody smear. “Buffy, this is ridiculous. I’m the good guy! Untie me.”
“Untie us.” Spike said.
“No. Not him. Do not untie him. Stake him.” Xander muttered, seeing Spike looking at him from the corner of his eye.
“I’m gonna stake the both of you if you don’t shut up.” Buffy said, sitting down and rubbing her temples. “Now I know why Giles does this so much. You are such a load of babies!”
“Speak for the whelp here.” Spike said, still staring at Xander. He inched closer.
“Would you...okay, stop it! Buffy! He’s trying to lick me!” Xander scooted away from the vampire. “Get away from me you bloodsucker!” Spike looked up, innocence incarnate.
“What? I wasn’t going to hurt him! Just a little, erm, taste, you know...” He trailed off, seeing Buffy’s face. “Well, what do you bloody expect? He’s dripping like a bleeding faucet! It’s driving me crazy!”
“Ok, that’s just sick.” Xander shoved Spike with his shoulder. “Move over there, Blondie!”
“Make me, Twinkie.” Spike shoved back. The chip didn’t go off and he grinned. “Ha!” They both started shoving, arms still bound behind their backs, shoulders pushing.
“Cut it out!” Xander panted, head in Spike’s shoulder.
“You cut it out.” Spike leaned over, almost on top of Xander.
“Oh my god.” Buffy groaned, watching the display. “What...are you two both three years old?” They ignored her, still fighting. Xander somehow managed to wriggle his way out from under Spike and rolled on top of him.
“Steamroller!” He yelled. Spike grunted.
“Get off you great oaf.” Spike started to headbutt him, unable to get much strength behind it, but giving it a game try.
“Stay away from me you letcher!”
“You’re the one on top of me.” Spike pointed out, face down on the couch now. “Maybe you’re enjoying it a little too much, huh? A little limp in the wrists?”
Xander struggled back a bit. “I am not gay!” He said. Then, remembering the fact that his best friend very much might be gay, he backpedaled. “Gay is fine. For other people. Just not for me. I am one hundred percent man!” He jumped on top of Spike again, landing as hard as he could on his kidneys. Spike let out a yell.
“That’s it! You’re both insane!” Buffy ran over and grabbed both of them by the ear, holding them still, ignoring the ow ow owowowow’s coming from them. “I’ve had more than enough of-”
She cut off, surprised by the arrival of Willow, Tara, Giles and Anya. The two groups stared at each other in surprise, silent.
“Um....” Willow raised her eyebrows at Buffy, who still had her fingers gripping their ears. “Buffy?”
Anya’s eyes were wide. “Are you playing sex games with Xander! Xander’s mine! He is only allowed to play bondage with me! I believe I was very clear about that!”
“No! No sex games, and definitely no, uh, bondage.” Buffy let go and they both sank to the ground in relief.
Giles came over and sat down, ignoring the two neatly tied packages laying on the floor. “Buffy, I thought we could go over some new strategies for tonight’s patrol. Willow and Tara wanted to co-ordinate some magic into the attacks.”
“Hello? Person tied on the floor here.” Xander said.
“Buffy, do untie the boys. We have work to do.” Giles frowned slightly, flipping through a book.
Tara sat down next to Giles, eyes wide, sipping an Evian. She watched as Buffy reluctantly untied the two on the floor. Xander jumped up wildly, free at last.
“Is that water!?” He grabbed the bottle from Tara’s hands and franticly began pouring it over his face. “Oh, thank god, the sweet relief! Must wash eyes!” He blinked madly.
“Xander, what in the world...?” Anya came over, as speechless as she ever got.
“Give it a rest Harris.” Spike stood up slowly, stretching.
“Why are you topless?” Anya asked. He paused in mid-stretch, looking at Xander.
“Oh god!” Xander splashed some more mountain crisp water onto his corneas, breathing heavily.
“Xander!” Anya batted the bottle away. “What is going on?” Her eyes narrowed. “Are you gay too now? You and Spike?” She turned to Willow who was still standing near the doorway, and pointed at her. “You did this!”
Willow’s mouth dropped open. “Me? Did what? What are you talking about? Buffy tied Xander up, not me.” Anya whirled around.
“Hey!” Buffy said. Willow mouthed, ‘sorry’ over Anya’s shoulder. “I didn’t do anything.”
“Oh, I beg to differ.” Xander wiped his face and came over to the middle of the room. “I beg to differ times a million! You did something alright! Something bad!”
Spike smirked. “Right then, here we go.” He flopped down next to Tara. “On with the staking.”
Xander struck a dramatic pose. “Buffy and Spike...they...they...oh god, I can’t even say it...” He shuddered. Anya looked at him, waiting.
“Is this about Spike and Buffy having sex?”
Willow laughed. “Yeah, like that would ever happen...” She trailed off at the look on Buffy’s face. “Buffy. You never.” Buffy blushed and she gasped. “Buffy!”
Tara looked at Spike beside her. “Is this a bad thing?” She whispered.
“Not to Buffy.” Spike said, grinning wickedly at her. She reddened, her colour almost matching Willow’s. The group was quiet for a moment and Giles looked up from his books.
“Who’s gay too now?”
Continued in Chapter thirteen