This part contains spoilers for The Killer in Me
My door swung open, and I sat up
straight in bed.
It was Spike. He stood tall in the opening, blinding light
stretching his shadows
to the foot of my bed.
Something’s wrong. Unless
something isn’t wrong. Except, wait…
Spike… in my bedroom… in the middle of the night… is wrong.
gulped as my eyes adjusted. “What’s
He slipped quietly into the
room then, shutting the door behind him.
The room fell dark as he drifted to my bedside. I watched him move slowly... his dark eyes
avoided mine; never leaving the sheets I was clutching… the outline of my body
and then he was on top of me. The
sheets were gone, along with our clothes, and he pressed his hard, cold body
I tried to
push him off, but watched my arms wrap around his shoulders instead. I went to scream his name, but my voice
never came. I felt my nails scratch
hard into the skin on his back as he slammed into me, and I cried out in
disbelief that he could still feel that good.
Then he lifted himself away, his yellow eyes glaring down at me, blood
painted on his sneering lips.
God! What did he…
My hand lifted to my neck, where I
felt the hot blood trickling down onto my fingertip. I gasped, closing my eyes.
When I opened them, he was gone.
I flipped him off the bed. “Get
He landed hard on his back, a
surprised grunt came as he hit.
I pulled him to his feet. “I said get up! You think you can do that to me?”
He rubbed his eyes, opening them up
into mine, “Buffy… what is it? What’s
I shoved him against the wall,
“What’s the matter?” I pulled out the stake.
His eyes popped open. “Buffy!
What are you—”
No talking, Spike! I pushed the stake to his chest. That shut him up. “It’s not gonna work… Soul or no soul… you’re dust.”
He sucked the air in, gazing up
with those stupid, bruised eyes. Then
he closed them, as if he had been waiting to hear that—waiting for this moment.
The anger burned through me, “You
bite me and…”
His eyes shot open. He glanced from my neck to my eyes several
times. His face switched from terrified
to confused, and back to terrified again as he softly shook his head. Somehow he got hold of my empty hand and
pulled it to my neck.
There was no blood. What?
No blood? No blood. No wound.
Nothing. I dropped the stake,
and it clanked to the floor. No
blood? What? I rubbed my neck. Oh
God. What happened? It was a… Spike was…
His eyebrow rose, “It was just a
I closed my eyes tight. No.
It wasn’t. It was real. It was too real. I felt him coming closer, and I backed away, not daring to look
at him or touch him. But he still
scooted forward, one arm reaching out towards me.
“God…” I finally looked him in the
eyes as he slipped a hand over my shoulder, “Spike, I’m sorry.”
He pulled me closer, and held
me there. “It’s alright, love. I know.”
“I just… I was so scared.” I let him hold me, but I fought back my
tears. Don’t cry. Things get too crazy when I cry.
His mouth was against my hair. His head lifted slightly as he spoke, soft
whispers brushing my hair, “I know.”
His body was warm when I backed
away from him. He shivered, opening his
eyes, fingers sliding off my back and to his sides. His gaze followed me up the stairs. He didn’t move, and he didn’t speak. Just watched me go. Let
I woke up to reality that
morning. Oh God. I tried to stake him. Weirdness.
Again with the weirdness. He’s
gonna be all rejecty again. Why did I
do that? That dream. That stupid dream.
I sighed, tying the scarf around my
not-bitten-by-Spike neck. I’ll go down
and talk to him. Now. No, not now. After breakfast. What day
is it today? Oh, right. Retreat day. Giles is taking the girls to the desert. Thank God.
I walked down the empty hall,
passing the empty bathroom to go downstairs into the empty kitchen… and filled
an empty mug with coffee. Then the
frenzy surrounded me. I could hear
Giles at the door, his timid voice begging orders. Xander rushed in and out of the house with bags. Dawn, Molly, and Amanda came into the
“So, Buffy,” Molly asked as Dawn
packed up various foods, “What’s the retreat like? Is it dangerous?”
I chuckled, “Only if you don’t
like the hokey-pokey.”
“That’s what it’s all about!” Dawn
turned with a pleased smile, and then shrugged. “That, and, you know, muddy-killer-First-Slayer-ghosts and
The girls’ eyes widened with
Dawn’s smile. She looked at me with her
“See? Look what I did!” face. Then she waved a bag of marshmallows before
tossing them into the supplies bag.
Then they cleared out, and I was
left alone to stare at the basement door.
Oh no. Okay. I can do this. Just go down there and… and what? Tell him ‘Sorry’? ‘Sorry for trying to stake you… again…’? Oh no.
I can’t do this. I have to do
this. Go down there and see what he
says. He deserves that… at least
that. After they go. Yes, after everyone goes.
They were gone too soon.
I took a deep breath before opening
the door and stepping down. Here we go.
I never should have gone into that
basement. This never would have
happened. I wouldn’t even know about
Spike’s chip going all wonky… unless I had heard Spike scream, which I probably
wouldn’t have. And I wouldn’t be in
this stupid cave, and that top-secret military guy wouldn’t be trying to rush
me into a decision like this. And did I
just think ‘wonky’?
I crossed my arms. Just this morning, coming down into the
basement to find Spike in chains. In
chains because of last night. Definitely
my fault. Locked himself up because I
dreamt he bit me. Good going,
Buffy. Real leadery, aren’t you? General Buffy’s army chaining themselves to
My hands pressed into my
head. Stop thinking about this
morning. Now. Think about now, please.
Military-guy wants to know what to do with Spike. Remove it or repair it. All decisions regarding Hostile 17 are mine
What about Spike? God, doesn’t he get to make a decision? No, of course not. Spike’s fate is always in my hands. Always. I determine his
existence. Everything that he is. When have I ever made the right choice
My eyes fell on him then. He was resting on that cold metal stretcher…
a gurney. That’s what it’s called. And the bright light shone over his
face. His eyes were closed, and he
looked patient. Well, he kinda is a
patient... But, waiting. Just… calm and waiting… for me to decide.
I came closer then, trying to
explain this to him without words.
Last time you were down here Spike,
you were desperate to get that chip out… desperate to kill me… over and over
you’ve tried. I’ve lost track of how
many times you’ve tried. And now that
man’s staring at me, trying to hurry me along.
Like he knows the situation.
Like he knows anything about me.
Or about you.
But I remember more than just how
many times you tried to kill me. I
remember how you saved me. I do. I remember that night… God, that night was
so long ago. When you offered to help
me… the night I stabbed Angel. You
didn’t even have the chip back then…
And when Glory… had you. I remember that too, Spike. I haven’t forgotten it. I told you I’d never forget it. What you did for us. Saved us.
And after that, you were always there.
Right up until… the end. And
even then, you fought so hard… tried so hard to help me… to save Dawn. And you didn’t even have the soul back then…
“Miss Summers,” Military-guy said
as I placed my hand over Spike’s. “Miss
Summers, we can’t wait here all night.”
He was cut off by a brief but loud
wail from Spike. I jumped back a bit,
lifting my hand away.
“And neither can he…” Military-guy
I didn’t answer, watching Spike’s
face as I brushed my hand up his arm.
He trembled, and his eyes blinked open.
“Sh. I’m right here.”
I held my breath, focused on his
mouth. His bottom lip curved slightly
at a corner—a definite smile. I let the
air out, stopping my hand at his elbow.
His eyes lingered there before he
bent his arm, taking my hand in his.
I squeezed his hand then, trying to
push all my tenseness away. Push away
all that decision-making tension inside me.
“You don’t have to…” he started.
He let out a pleading sigh, but
closed his mouth. Then his eyelids
I came closer; so I could whisper
to him, “Don’t worry.”
His eyes opened again, surprising
me enough to move back a little. He had
that tiny smile again, and he silently begged me to finish.
“I haven’t forgotten, Spike.”
Continued in Part 11