The Wacky Adventures of Spike and Buffybot
By mr. monkeybottoms
DISCLAIMERS: You know who’s sexy? That Joss guy. I phoned him last night, but each time he picked up I chickened out and hung up before I could say a word. After the, oh, fortieth time he calls me back! ‘Look, you know I have that restraining order, so cut it out.’ He says. I was thrilled! I mean, he was talking to me! OMG.
THANKS: Thank you to everyone who keeps up with this fic. The updates have been sparse, but never fear, ff.net will be up and running soon. (I hope. Poor guys) As always, thanks to bub, she keeps me happy and writing and inspired.
LAST TIME ON BTVS: Buffybot found Spike and seduced his rock-hard ass. Like it took much, lol. Buffybot went to S.U. Buffybot wore Spike’s clothes. Man, now he only has eight sets of black tee-shirts, red tops and black jeans. I guess he’ll just have to be naked. Buffy slept in. Buffybot stumbled upon Buffy’s psyche test and promptly failed in. She also convinced her prof that Buffy was A) psychotic, and B) a smartass. A smartass psychotic...the worst kind! Willow was confused at Buffy’s new amazing fast-changing powers. Willow also had a pen/pencil fetish. Who woulda thunk it? *gasps* And so, the saga continues:
Buffybot sat at one of the eight coffeeshops on campus, waiting patiently for Willow, two foamy cups on the table and a large smile on her face. Willow was taking a long time to join her, but she was happy. Many of her programs told her this. Her programs also told her she’d been away from Spike for 3.25 hours now and she needed to get back to him soon.
Buffybot turned and her smile disappeared. “Riley.” Her programming kicked in again.
Name search: Riley
-member of the Initiative
-insult and break up with him
“Hi!” Riley sat down beside her. “You look pretty today. I’ve never seen that outfit before.” He leaned in for a kiss, but Buffybot moved her head away quickly. “Is everything alright?”
he asked, concerned. Buffybot looked at him.
“No. It isn’t alright. I don’t want to be your girlfriend anymore. Have a nice day!”
Riley paused. “What?”
“You have beady eyes,” Buffybot said.
Riley blinked said eyes. “Buffy...”
“I think you should go now,” Buffybot informed him. “It’s nothing personal, you know. It’s just that you are so massive, it hurts my neck to look at you. And your hair is boring. And, well, so are you. Bye now! I’m meeting Willow for lattes!”
Riley stood up quickly, looking upset. “Fine.” He turned to go, then turned back, face tight. “I don’t know what happened there.”
“I broke up with you,” Buffybot said, smile still in place.
Riley looked at her a moment more, completely confused. “Alright. Okay. I....” He walked away quickly through the crowd, still muttering.
“Hmmm. That’s better.” Buffybot took a sip of her coffee. “Oooh! Frothy!” She waited patiently, sitting quietly.
A group of college guys watched her from a few tables away, whispering to each other. One smiled at her and she smiled back happily. Encouraged, he stood up and came over.
“Hi,“ he said, sitting down.
“My name’s Buffy,“ she told him cheerfully. “I go to Sunnydale University!”
“Me too,” the guy said, shooting a glance towards his grinning friends. “I’m Greg.”
Buffybot nodded and read her files. Coming up empty, she smiled again. “I don’t know you! Thanks for stopping by!”
Greg paused, unsure of how to answer that. “Um. You’re welcome?” He looked at the extra coffee mug on the table and asked, “So. Meeting someone? Your boyfriend?”
“My boyfriend isn’t here. He’s asleep after giving me amazing sex last night. Do you know him? His name’s Spike!”
Greg made a face. “No, uh, I don’t know Spike.” He looked over at his friends again and turned back. “So, you and this Spike guy....you’re inclusive? Cause, I think you’re the hottest girl I’ve ever seen and I’d love to take you out sometime. Maybe to dinner?”
Buffybot gasped. “I love Spike! No one else may touch my body but him! And I’d never eat dinner with someone else! Except for maybe my friends and Giles. He’s my Watcher.”
“Watcher...?” Greg paused. That sounded kinky. “He...watches you?”
“He’s been my Watcher since I was fifteen.”
Greg’s eyebrows rose. This girl was a firecracker. She‘d been into the kink since she was a kid! “Oh yeah?”
“Yes. He trained me.”
Greg nodded, leaning closer. “Did he film you too?” he asked hopefully. Buffybot frowned.
“I don’t know. Perhaps he did.”
Greg slid a hand towards her thigh. “Maybe we could all...get together, you know, me, you, the ‘watcher’ guy and make a little movie ourselves.”
“A movie?” Buffybot asked, just as his hand touched her. “Hey! Only Spike can touch me there!” She shoved him hard, sending him flying across the room into his table of friends. People scattered. “Keep your hands off me!”
she yelled as he laid there, dazed. The crowd looked at her for a moment, then slowly went back to whatever they were
doing. Eventually Greg's friend's managed to pull him up and lead him away,
sending frightened looks towards the still-happy Buffybot.
Buffybot sat back down, smile back on her face. She looked up and could see Willow coming over. Standing up, she waved excitedly. “Willow! My friend! Over here!”
Willow walked over, frowning. “You changed back into your, uh....” she trailed off, looking at the Spike outfit. Buffybot smiled and passed over her coffee. “Oh. Thanks.”
“You’re welcome, best friend.”
Willow sipped. “When I left the dorm room, you said you had no idea what I was talking about when I mentioned frothy coffee.”
Buffybot reached over and took Willow’s hand. “Willow. That’s ridiculous. Look.” She held up her own coffee. “Here it is!” She re-read her program.
-best friend since arrival in Sunnydale
-dated a werewolf
-had a crush on Xander Harris
-currently secretly involved with mystery woman: may be bisexual
-attempt to kiss her at every opportunity
“How’s the Wiccan studies going?” Buffybot asked, sliding her chair closer to Willow. “You dated a werewolf.”
Willow’s eyebrows raised. “Um. Yeah, Oz...uh, well, the Wicca Group is kinda dumb. All they wanted to do is talk. Nary a spell in sight. They are more of a Non-Wiccan group, really, all talking about woman-power fund raisers and so on...“ She trailed off as Buffybot started to stroke her shoulder. “Um...”
Buffybot leaned closer.
“I mean, what did they think Wiccans do anyways? They all giggled when I suggested practicing a levitating spell or something.“ Buffybot nodded and slid her arm around Willow’s shoulders. “I was dumb to think they were a real Wiccan group. There is one girl though... and...Oh! Look! It’s Xander!” Willow stood up nervously, pointing. “Our friend Xander is coming to visit his college friends! Wow, isn‘t that great?” She waved at him frantically, motioning for him to come over.
Xander saw Willow and Buffy on the other side of the room and waved back. Buffy saw him too, and smiled, then stood up and turned back to Willow. “Oh. My. God.” Xander stopped dead as Buffy leaned over to Willow and planted a full lip-on-lip kiss on her, hands tangled in her hair. “Oh. God. I’m in heaven. I’ve died and gone to heaven. Or I’m dreaming.” His mouth dropped open as he saw Buffy slip her tongue between Willows lips. He grabbed the guy standing next to him. “Am I dreaming? Pinch me.”
The guy shook his arm away. “Shove it, freak,” he said, pushing at Xander.
“Nope. Still awake.” Xander hurried over to the two kissing girls.
“Buffy!” Willow pulled away, red, and flopped back down onto her chair. “What are you doing?”
“I’m kissing you,” she answered matter-of-factly. Hi Xander.” Buffybot flashed a blinding smile at him as he rushed over. “I’m kissing Willow.” She leaned in again, causing Willow to scoot back violently, chair legs screeching against the floor. “I also broke up with Riley. His head is large.”
“I have to go.” Willow stood up, flustered.
“Will, wait!” Xander called after her as she ran out. “No, don’t go. Buffy was just being friendly...” He trailed off, disappointed. “Darn.”
Turning back to Buffy, he was rewarded with a toothy smile. “So. That was new.”
Giles opened the door to find Willow looking panicked. “Ah. Willow. What’s the matter?”
he asked as she shoved her way past him.
“It’s all the matter! Everything’s wrong!” She grabbed at his books and started flipping through one. “Something’s very, very wrong!”
“Well, what is it?” Giles came over. “Where’s Buffy?”
Willow whirled around to face him. “Buffy’s gone insane! She’s under a spell of some sort, and I didn’t do it, okay! I haven’t done any kind of ’My will be done’ spell, so don’t blame me! It’s not always my fault, you know. You don’t have to immediately assume I did it.”
Giles sighed and reached for his glasses. “No one said you did it Willow”
he said, putting them on. “Now, tell me, what exactly did Buffy do? Is she alright?”
“She’s not hurt, but she’s most definitely not alright. She’s forgetting things. She’s acting strange. And she’s dressing like Spike!”
“All these things don’t necessarily mean she’s had a spell cast on
her,” Giles replied.
“Well, she also...” Willow trailed off, flushing furiously.
Giles sighed. “Yes?”
Willow looked down. “She, um, you know...”
“Oh dear lord. She’s not engaged to Spike again, is she?”
“No!” Willow said quickly. “Well, at least I don’t think she is.”
“Willow, if something is indeed wrong with Buffy, we won’t be able to help her unless you tell me what happened.”
Willow took a deep breath. “She kissed me.”
“Ah. I see. Erm....” Giles shifted uncomfortably. “I’ll get the books.”
Continued in Chapter Six