The Wacky Adventures of Spike and Buffybot
By mr. monkeybottoms
DISCLAIMERS: SO, I get another late-night drunken phone call from Joss last night. It’s the same old thing, he loves me terribly, he wants me back, he can’t go on without me, his car is missing, he’s wandering the streets looking for where he parked it...I suggest, rather piously, that maybe he should have thought about that before he dumped me for
Alyson Hannigan, and went into a rather cruel imitation of him, “Oooh, Ally, she’d so great. Look, she’s doing her ’big eyes’, I just looooove her.” I point out that she went out with that Wesley guy and laugh, making Joss break out into fresh sobs. Wow, am I ever a bitch!
THANKS: Well, seeing as how poor Fanfiction has had so many system problems, I’m just glad anyone even managed to find my story to read. If you’re reading this right now, thank you! Thank you! Also, as usual, bubonic has helped me out so much! I love her!
LAST TIME ON BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: Hey, check it out! Buffy got hosed into helping Riley clean up the frat house. Buffy had no idea that Buffybot saved the day. The Scoobies thought Buffy saved the day. Buffy thought they were talking about sex. Xander smiled at Anya. Everyone was clueless. Spike took off to his crypt. Buffybot found her home, her mom, and a sandwich. Good ole Buffybot! She’s off to find Spike, and make him a very happy vampire...
Spike sipped from his mug, eyes glued to the television in front of him, completely spellbound. “You are one damn fine big bad, J.R.” He toasted the screen, grinning as J.R. pulled off yet another dastardly scheme. “Heh heh, that’s right, show all those ponces that you’re the boss...wait...who’s that?” He frowned, watching as J.R. spun around in his chair and was promptly shot. Spike gasped. “Balls! Someone just shot J.R.!” He jumped up, spilling a good amount of blood on the floor. His face fell. “Miss Ellie will be sick with worry when she finds out.”
He turned to see the Slayer standing in his doorway, wearing a smile and not much else. It’s not like that tiny black number was actually counting as a covering, what with all the leg and breasts and the slits up to there. Buffy turned to close the door and Spike’s eyes widened as he saw that her dress was almost completely backless. What the hell was holding this thing on her?
“Spike, I’ve looked all over for you.” Buffybot said, her smile almost blinding. She came over and slid her arms around him. “Where did you go after the party? You were about to take off your pants. Will you take them off now?”
Spike backpedaled, bashing into his worn out old chair. “What are you playing at now Slayer?” He glared at her.
Buffybot ran through her programs.
“I can play many games,” Buffybot announced. “Which would you like? I could be a slut!”
Spike looked her over insolently. “You could indeed.”
Buffybot smiled and put her hand down Spike’s pants, causing him to jump in surprise. “Is that what you want?”
“Yes,” Spike said, simply, watching as Buffybot unzipped. She kneeled before him and he gasped in surprise. “Oh god! Holy Jesus Buffy, how did you learn to do that?”
Buffybot pulled away. “I was programmed.”
Spike led her back. “Programmed?” He frowned, wondering if this was yet another one of Willow’s spells-gone-wrong , but Buffybot swirled her tongue and he wrapped his hands in her long hair, forgetting all about that tiny twinge of conscience.
“I want you Spike!” Buffybot announced between licks. “I want you to ravage me!”
Spike groaned at her words.
“I want you to pillage me! And plunder me!” Buffybot continued, sucking hard.
“What?” Spike shook his head, confused by her choice of words but finding it rather difficult to concentrate, what with the way Buffy‘s mouth felt gliding up and down
Buffybot paused her oral program. “Yes. Pillage. It's another word for ‘ravage’ and ‘plunder’.”
Spike looked down at her. “I bloody well know what they mean Slayer. What, did you read your thesaurus before you-” Buffybot smiled into his eyes and swallowed him down, making him stutter the last bit. “Y-you...came down here.” She did it again and he gave up all attempts to think, finding it more enjoyable to thrust strongly into her warm, wet mouth. Much more.
“You were incredible.”
Spike smiled against Buffybot’s skin and bit her neck softly. “I know.” He stretched in contentment, still deep inside her. “I knew you’d love it.”
“I did! I loved every minute, every second,” Buffybot sighed and wriggled against him. “I’ll do anything you want Spike.” She sat up on his bed and looked at him. “Do you want me to organize your tapes of ‘The X Files?’”
“No Slayer, I want you to-wait...X-Files?” He stared at her closely and she smiled brightly, waiting. “What are you talking about?” He got out of bed and walked towards his bottle of bourbon. He needed a drink.
“Where are you going, Mulder?” Buffybot said. Spike shook his head.
“Slayer...what are you-”
“The truth is out there,” Buffybot said throatily, sliding up on her knees and posing. “And I want you to give it to me, Mulder.” She arched her back and Spike’s mouth went dry at the sight. “Please Fox, I want to believe...please, make me a believer!”
Spike tossed the bottle over his shoulder and came back over to the bed, kneeling behind her thighs. “Slayer...” He slid in smoothly and she let out a yell. “Slayer...Buffy...”
“I’m Dana,” Buffybot told him, then went back to her cries of pleasure. “Yes! Fox yes!”
“Buffy...” Spike thrust faster, grabbing at her hips for leverage.
“Dana,” Buffybot corrected helpfully.
“Buff-” Spike shrugged. “Dana. God, yes.” He grabbed her hair and she moaned loudly. “Oh yeah, you like it kinky, don’t you Dana?”
“Please. Please Fox...”
“Yeah, that’s it Dana, come on....”
“Oh Mulder, oh yes! Yes! YES!”
“Buffy!” Spike shuddered against her, groaning. “God Buffy,” he muttered, collapsing on the bed again. “You’ll be the death of me. Well, figuratively speaking.”
Buffybot snuggled close and sighed, pleased at completing her priorities. She knew that she now felt happy and satisfied in the way that Spike, and only Spike, could make her feel. Plus, Spike was the most perfect being in the known universe, according to her programming. She looked at him next to her, his eyes closed, face relaxed. “You’re
beautiful,” she whispered, touching his cheek softly. He smiled a bit at that, eyes still shut.
“Beautiful. That’s you, pet,” he said sleepily. The sun was coming up and he was rather worn out, all things considered. Four times in two hours wasn’t his personal best, but it was still rather impressive. He wrapped his arms around the Slayer next to him and drifted off.
Buffybot watched him until he fell asleep, admiring his perfect cheekbones. Suddenly, her internal clock beeped.
“Time for school!” she said, making Spike mumble a bit and turn over. “I go to Sunnydale University.”
Her black dress was completely ruined, reduced to nothing more than a tiny scrap of fabric under Spike’s passionate touches. She held it up, frowning. “What am I going to wear to class?”
Buffy’s alarm went off and she groaned, rolling over and shoving her pillow over her head. “Morningtime already?”
“Wake up sleepyhead!” Willow breezed by happily, already dressed and ready for class. She picked up her backpack and carefully packed her books. “Don’t forget you have that test. You’ll be late if you don’t hustle your bum.” She grabbed an apple and opened the door. “See you in class!”
she called, rushing out the door.
Buffy poked her head out from under the pillow. “What?”
Willow hurried down the hall to class. If she was quick she could be early for class and get her pencils arranged on her desk. One may need to be sharpened again. Or maybe one was even broken! Luckily she brought many extras. She opened the class door.
Willow looked in surprise. “Buffy! Wow, how did you beat me here?”
Buffybot frowned. “I didn’t beat you. I’d never hurt you, you’re my best friend! I saw a group of people come in here, so I did too. I go to Sunnydale U!”
“It’s just that...when I left, you...in bed...” Willow said, face confused.
“I was in bed.” Buffybot smiled, thinking of sexy Spike and his sexy bed. “Then I came here.”
“O-kay,” Willow said, sitting down beside her. “The Slayer has the right to be fast. I mean, all you had to do was get up and brush your hair and teeth and get dressed...” She trailed off, looking at her friend. “Um, that’s a different look for you.”
Buffybot smiled brilliantly. “Thank you Willow. I love these clothes.”
“I’ve just never seen you in...black baggy jeans...and a black baggy t-shirt...and that red top before...” Willow said carefully, not wanting to hurt Buffy’s feelings. “It’s kinda...Spike.”
“Thank you!” Buffybot said happily, reaching over to hold Willow's hand.
“Buffy, is everything-” Willow started to ask, by was interrupted by the prof entering the room. Panicked, she grabbed at her pencils.
“Alright people, settle in, shall we?” The prof barked, clapping his hands. “We’re all grown adults here. Find yourself a seat and sit in it. Yes, even you there, up there in the last row.” He held up a stack of papers. “Here is your test. They are NOT multiple choice as so often given in Psyche. They are not essay. Do not write an essay for each question. They are in between. Answer accordingly.” He plopped a bunch on each row and the students passed them amongst each other. “You have one hour. I suggest you start.”
Willow passed Buffybot her paper and she looked at it, finally letting go of her hand.
“Did you forget your pencil?” Willow whispered in concern. “Here, I have some extra.”
“Thanks,” Buffybot said. She twirled it and stared at her paper.
QUESTION 1: Have you ever felt as though you would genuinely like to kill somebody?
Buffybot shrugged and wrote:
I kill evil things. Demon, vampires, you name it. It’s my calling. Evil must die!
QUESTION 2: Did you avoid fights or rough games when you were a child?
I’m the Slayer! I always fight!
QUESTION 3: What is the male hormone testosterone associated with?
QUESTION 4: What is ‘Williams Syndrome’?
Spike has no syndromes, he is absolutely perfect. Perhaps his only fault is giving me too much pleasure.
QUESTION 5: Bob, a four-year-old, keeps saying "goed" instead of "went" and "runned" instead of "ran." What kind of error is Bob making?
Bob is faulty. He is talking funny. Perhaps something is wrong with his speech program.
QUESTION 6: What is the phallic stage?
The phallic stage is my favorite. Spike's penis is large, and it comes out right before I want to pleasure him, or he pleasures me....
QUESTION 7: The Oedipal complex arises during which of Freud's psychosexual stages?
I don't know what that means, but Spike's complex rises the moment he sees me.
QUESTION 8: Boys' groups tend to differ from girls' groups in that:
Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina. I like Spike's penis!
QUESTION 9: An example of an ego defense is:
The Ego demon is tiny, and therefore I don’t have to worry about it’s defense moves. I would just mash it with my boot.
QUESTION 10: Fixation of the libido at the anal stage can lead to:
Well, that will lead to Spike giving me pleasure in the anus. He is always fixated on my bum, he says it's hot and perfect and he wants spank and smack it, and one day he may even screw it!
QUESTION 11: In Freudian theory, oral fixation is associated with which behaviors as an adult?
I am always wanting to suck Spike's penis. It is a joy. I could do it all day long!
QUESTION 12: . Indicate the stage that comes last in Freud's theory of psychosexual development:
I’ve never met Freud, but Spike’s theory is that I should always come last, and repeatedly. And I do, because he is a god in bed.
“Time’s up people,” The prof said, amidst groans and frantic writing. “All right, pencils down. Hand it in, good or bad. And, judging from the looks on your faces, I expect many, many bad.”
Buffybot handed hers to him, massive grin on her face. “Thank you for the test. Have a great day!”
“Buffy,” Willow called, and she turned. “I have to run to the dorm room. Will you meet me for coffee? Mocha-latte-chinos!”
Willow smiled. “Okay, great. I’ll just be a few minutes, I forgot my extra bag of pens on the dresser. My highlighter is in there!”
Two minutes later, Willow opened the door to find Buffy standing there, doing her hair. “How do you keep doing that?”
she said in frustration.
“I just twist it up like so, and add a few pins here, and here...”
“No,” Willow interrupted. “How do you keep beating me to places?”
Buffy turned to her friend. “Huh?”
“And you even had time to change.”
Buffy looked at her outfit. “Well, the jammie look is out, I hear. So I put this on when I leave the dorm.”
Willow picked up her pens and shook her head. “Come on, we can talk about the test over those fancy coffees with the frothy tops.”
“Test? What test?”
Continued in Chapter Five