The Wacky Adventures of Spike and Buffybot
By mr. monkeybottoms
DISCLAIMERS: So, I’m walking down the street, on my way to buy myself an ice cream cone, when I see Joss standing at the corner, waiting to cross the street. “Hey, Joss!” I call, jogging over to chat with him. He turns, sees me coming, and panics, jumping into traffic, narrowly missing getting hit by a large bus, a truck, and a mini-van. Luckily, he makes it across the street in one piece. I stand at the crosswalk in shock at his daring maneuvers, and he turns and grins at me. I grin back, until I see him whip out his hand and flip me the bird. The guy gave me the finger! I mean, what’s HIS problem anyways? “Screw YOU Monkeybottoms!” He screams at me, “No profits for you, stealing my characters! BTVS is all mine!!!! MIIIIIIIINE!” Man, what a freak.
THANKS, Y’ALL: Wow, I was really touched by all your support on the first chapter. And it was sweet to see the comments on my other fic. One person asked me what ‘froggie style’ was...heh heh. Ok Angela, this is for you: Well, it’s when you have your guy on the bottom, (a hard surface like a floor works best) and you are on top. You have your feet on the ground, and your hands beside your feet...kinda like a frog jumping......yes, it’s rather crude, but hey, so is Warren. Now, don’t go telling your mom where you heard this filth!
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS STORY SUPPOSED TO BE?: So, Warren the perv built a Buffybot. She took off to slay. Found a party and Xander. Confused the crap out of Xander. Missed the real Buffy by a few minutes. The real Buffy was under the house spell and took off to sex it up with Riley. That’s the REAL horror! Buffybot found Spike. Danced slutty. Smiled big. Teased Spike. Mmmmm Spike...Spike set off her sexual imprinting code by accident...and so, we continue.
“Imprint complete.” Buffybot’s lashes fluttered as the last of her programming loaded. Spike sat there, frowning at her.
“Hey, Slayer,” he sprawled out on the chair some more, giving her a leer. “Going to continue with the dancing or not?” He held out his half-empty beer invitingly. “Mr. Budweiser wants to see some booty. And ole Spike here wants to see some more drinking.”
Buffybot looked at him, scanning her new program.
-listen to Spike
-quote ‘Monty Python’
Buffybot took the beer that Spike once again held out to her. Spike wanted her to drink it, so she would. Lifting it to her glossy lips, she drank. And drank. Swallowing the last drop she handed it back to him, pleased.
“How was that, Spike?” she asked sweetly. He looked at her in amazement.
“Er, fine,” he said. The empty was tossed over his shoulder as well, crushing the remains of the Millennium Falcon. “Do you want another? I’m sure we could find some more.” He looked around, hoping to get the Slayer really liquored up.
“Do you want me to drink more?” she asked him.
Spike paused at the question. “Sure,” he answered carefully.
Buffybot took his hand and he flinched away, expecting her to belt him in the nose as usual, but instead she just pulled him to his feet and towards the kitchen. “I saw more beer in
here,” she informed him, and sure enough there was a large barrel full of ice filled with all sorts of alcohol.
“And now for something completely different!” she cried, pulling out a cooler. Spike looked at her blankly. “You see? Different cause I’m drinking a Wildberry cooler instead of a Coor’s Lite.” She held out the bottle for his approval. He blinked.
“Right then.” He briskly popped the cap off of her drink and nodded. “Go on then, drink up.”
Buffybot gave him a glowing look and promptly downed the entire bottle. “Is that enough?”
Spike stared at her intently. She didn’t look one bit drunk. Maybe her Slayer powers kept her from becoming intoxicated. He watched her sway slowly to the music that had started back up again and shrugged. Obviously the Slayer’s powers didn’t stop her from acting like a total nutball. Buffybot came close and he backed up. She followed, pushing him into the wall firmly. Now there was the Slayer he knew and hated.
“Spike?” she asked sweetly. He remained silent, just looking at her. “What would please you the most?”
Spike’s eyes widened. “That’s easy. To see you die. Preferably slowly and with large amounts of pain and misery.”
Buffybot paused for a moment and then shook her head. “Sorry, that’s not in my programming.”
“Yeah right,” Spike scoffed, not bothering to bring up her numerous self-destructive moments to date. He saw a group of college losers sitting at the kitchen table in various states of undress, cards in hand. “Fine, if you won’t take a long walk off a short pier than how about you go play some strip
poker,” he said sarcastically, waving his hand in their direction. Buffybot immediately turned and walked over, sitting down beside a girl in a white lacy bra and jeans. “What are you doing?”
“Playing poker,’ Buffybot said.
“Oh, I see,” Spike said, smirking. “You, Little Miss Prude, are going to play this strip poker game. I suppose you’re going to lose and show your yummies to all the frat boys too.”
Buffybot nodded seriously, taking in his unknown order and picked up the cards she was dealt. Four kings and a three. She discarded her kings and was promptly dealt four of a kind. “Damn!” Everyone else removed an article of clothing.
“Nice work Slayer.” Spike sat down. “Mind if I join you?”
“I’ll do my best to lose,” she promised. Spike snorted, taking her words as more Buffy sarcasm.
“Knock yourself out.”
Buffybot put her cards down, about to punch herself in the head when she was interrupted by another order. “Go on,
deal,” Spike said, pushing the cards to her.
Four rounds later Buffybot was down a shoe and Spike was down a duster. The other players had lost most of their clothing long ago, but neither Buffybot nor Spike cared, not looking anywhere but at their cards or at each other.
Spike glared at the Slayer, holding his cards up to his nose. “Show your
cards,”he ordered and Buffybot complied, making him curse loudly. A full house! How did she keep beating him? The cards tucked in his pants weren’t doing him any good at all. He angrily moved his hands to his shirt, ready to rip it open in frustration, but stopped at the look of pure excitement on Buffy’s face.
Buffybot watched Spike as he slowly undid the first few buttons and gasped a little when the first glimpse of his chest appeared. Their eyes locked as he paused. Giving her a tiny grin he ripped the shirt open and off his shoulders, baring the rest of his chest for her. She sat there, stunned, not even noticing that the next hand was dealt until he picked up his cards and peeked at them, careful to keep her from seeing them.
“Your move, sweetheart,” he murmured and she quickly glanced at them. Curses! A full house, again! Tossing in the three tens, she was appalled when she ended up winning the round with her measly pair of eights. She was never going to be able to complete Spike’s order to lose!
Spike stood up and rested his hands on his belt. “Looks like I lost” he said, unbuckling. Buffybot smiled happily, watching. His fingers moved to the button, flicking it open. His eyes burned into hers as he slowly pulled the zipper down, oblivious to the stares of the rest of the table. The black denim was pushed down his hips, showing more and more skin...
“What the hell was that?” Spike paused, looking up at the ceiling, making Buffybot jump up in dismay.
“Nothing. Continue on with your disrobing,’ she said, but he stopped and looked at her.
“I hear something....wrong.”
The table started to shake, making the other card players jump up in alarm. Drinks spilled, and the cards suddenly flew up, scattering everywhere like snow. Someone screamed and all at once people started panicking, running in all directions. The noise was overwhelming.
Buffybot turned to see Spike, thrown down and wrapped up in vines. “Let go of him!”
she said, marching over, tearing them off.
Buffybot turned again, this time to see Willow running up to her, Xander and Anya in tow. “That’s me, I’m Buffy!”
she answered. “Hey!” She pointed to Willow, “I know you!” Quickly, her files popped up.
-best friend since arrival in Sunnydale
-dated a werewolf
-had a crush on Xander Harris
-currently secretly involved with mystery woman: may be bi-sexual
-attempt to kiss her at every opportunity
“Buffy, we have to get out of here!” Willow panted, trying to keep her footing as the floors shifted and groaned. “Something’s not right with this house!”
“That’s what I said,” Spike muttered from behind Buffybot.
Buffybot put her hand on Willow’s shoulder, stroking sweetly, smiling suggestively when Willow turned. Willow looked at her and gave her a tiny nod, smiling back uncertainly.
“Why don’t you have a shirt on?” Anya asked Spike, puzzled.
Her question interrupted Buffybot as she was about to lean into Willow. “We were playing strip poker!” Buffybot informed them, pleased. “Spike has a perfect body!”
Spike’s eyebrows rose, but he quickly struck a cocky pose at the looks from the other Scoobies. “What? It’s true. I hate to sound immodest, but-”
“Can we drop it with the naked Spike?” Xander demanded, ducking as a lamp whizzed by him, smashing into a wall. “This place is already creepy enough. Buffy, how can we stop this?”
They all looked at Buffybot and she looked back. “I slay,” she said. “I can’t slay a house, it’s not in my programming.” She turned to Willow and rubbed her back soothingly. “You’re a Wicca. And my best friend!”
“You’re right, Buffy.” Willow turned to the group excitedly, making Buffybot miss the kiss she’d had lined up. “Maybe I can talk to the spirits, ask them what’s up?”
“While you’re at it, ask them what’s up with Harris’ shirt,” Spike grumbled, pointing to the palm
tree infested Hawaiian top. “Maybe that’s what angered them.”
“At least I have a top,” Xander pointed out. Spike scoffed.
“I’d rather be naked than wear that little number.”
Buffybot perked up. “Oooh! Yes please!” She raised her hand. Anya looked at her oddly.
“Something is fueling this house," Anya said, watching Buffybot alternate loving glances between Willow and Spike. “We need to find out what it is and stop it. And why are you doing that?”
Buffybot looked at Anya. “You’re an ex-vengeance demon.”
Anya nodded. “Yeah. I am. And you’re holding hands with Spike and Willow because...?” She turned to Xander. “Buffy’s holding hands with Spike and Willow. Make her stop. No one’s holding hands with me. Why isn’t she holding my hand?” She pouted and crossed her arms, feeling left out.
“I’ll hold your hand An,” Xander said soothingly, but she yanked her hand out of his grasp.
“Forget it, you’re too busy not having sex with me to hold hands.”
“Oh, the truth comes out.” Spike let go of Buffybot’s hand and started clapping sarcastically. “Great job Harris.”
Xander glared. “I don’t need comments from the likes of you. You got dumped by a crazy person, so you’re one to talk.”
Spike stepped forward, about to grab Xander and shake him like the little puppy he was when all at once the house gave an almighty shudder, knocking the group off balance. Electricity raced through the room, settling on them, crackling all around their bodies.
“Oh-oh,” Willow said, just before they were blown in all different directions.
Buffybot smashed right through the wall and into the adjacent room, bits of plaster and wallpaper clinging to her hair. She lay there for a moment, systems rebooting, programs reloading. Suddenly she sat up, her few minor errors repaired. Looking around, she saw that the house was empty of all party-goes. An eerie wind gusted, swirling her hair up. “I need to slay this
evil,” she said loudly, marching towards the stairs. Vines attacked her, ripping at her clothes. “My top!”
she cried in dismay, looking at the tear in her side. “How can I look hot now?”
A groan came from the top of the stairs. “Spike!” She shredded the vines that tried to hold her back. “I have to help him and his sexy, shirtless body!”
Spike sat up when she reached the hallway, rubbing his head grumpily. “Bloody hell. Even the frat parties are deathtraps on the Hellmouth.” He stumbled away from her, back down the stairs.
“Spike! Where are you going, Spike?” Buffybot reached for his bare back as he went by her. She caught a few mumbled words, something about ‘duster’ and ‘booze’. “I drink beer!”
she offered helpfully, but he ignored her and pushed his way through the vines and down the steps.
Loud moaning made her turn her head back to the hallway. Someone was in pain! Her slaying program kicked in. “I must protect the innocent! Evil, take heed!” She ran to the door, dodging the torrent of spiny vines racing at her, and smashed it open with her foot. All went quiet, except for the couple inside the dark room, wrapped around each other on the bed.
“Hey!” Buffy said, blinking against the bright light flooding in from the door. Riley sat up and covered his eyes a bit, trying to block out the glare. “Doesn’t anyone knock around here?”
“No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!”
Continued in Chapter Three