Part 11. Won't Get Fooled Again
She was the only one. The only one that ever really loved me; who always loved me, the whole me, the only one that never let me down. I let her down. I always let her down. I loved her so much. She's the only clean thing I ever had in my life. The only clean thing I ever loved, and I loved her so much. It hurts. It hurts so dammed much.
I failed her. I've always failed her. I didn't see what was happening. I never did. I messed up her thing with Oz. I'm sure that led to him doing the wild thing with that werewolf, and turning her off men. It's all my fault. I should have protected her. Been there for her - like she always was for me, no matter what dumb shit I did.
I let her go. I let her go with him. But I trusted him. I always trusted him, even after that sick test thing he did to Buffy. I never should have let her go. She should have stayed at home, with the people who loved her. Stayed with me. Not go away to a cold wet island of strangers. I should have insisted she stay with me.
She wouldn't leave me. I know that.
He must be lying. English liar guy. They're all liars. Did George Washington die in vain? All dead princesses, funny swear words, booze, fags - and how weird a word for a cigarette is that. 'Bloody' this, 'sodding' that, and 'I'm smarter than you and I know it' - all of 'em. Rescue their superior asses, and all you get when you say that is the Giles and The Thing one-two, "Well you lot do only tend to turn up for the last years of real wars," "Yeah, trying to bleeding start the next one to make up for it an all." Bastards! Self satisfied think they're so fine bastards.
I bet they killed her.
Oh, it's all, "I'm sorry Buffy, Willow didn't make it. There, there, I'm so sorry, everyone tried so hard, did as much as could be done, but sometimes it just doesn't help." And, "I know it doesn't help, but she didn't suffer, she went in her sleep." Yeah, like I believe that one. Like how dumb do they think I am? Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot, I'm the zeppo, doughnut boy, monkey boy, special needs boy, do try and concentrate Xander. That's me - too dumb to know any better. Well I do. And they ain't getting one over on me. Not anymore, never again. They're gonna pay, and pay, and pay. When I've finished they'll have paid so much An would be impressed.
An, Anya, Anyanka. It's his fault. It's not my fault she became a foul disgusting demon, it must have been his idea. Ok yeah, I did something real dumb. I know that. But that's what I am, isn't it? Dumb. Will's the smart one, not me. But I did it coz I loved her. I did. I know I did. I did - didn't I? Of course I did. It was for her own good, to stop her from getting hurt, stop her from getting hurt like Mom, stop me from hurting her. I didn't want to hurt her; I wanted to love her; I wanted her to love me.
I wanted someone to love me. Me - not the bottle, not like mom and that thing that calls himself my dad. Me - not Buffy and Willow. But you know? Always coming with the last there too. Hey story of the Xandman's life, he comes last - what's with the new? Me first - not a dead disgusting thing? Yeah, like that's likely, hey, story of my life that one. Actually all of 'em are.
Buffy. My Buffy, yeah like that's the case. My best friend Buffy, well after Willow anyway. The one crying her heart out on the sofa, with Dawn holding her. I can't see her face; Dawn's hair's covering both their faces.
Dawn's face looked relieved for a moment, when the call came. Not for long, but time stood still, like on Trek sometimes. I saw it. She felt relieved my Will was dead. After all she did for her. I know Will tried to hurt her, but she was Will you know? My Will, she was hurting, she didn't know what she was doing. It wasn't her fault. Nothing to forgive. I won't forget that Dawn was relieved, even if she started crying moments later. I won't forget, and I won't forgive. I can't; she's dead.
The dead. The walking, lying, cheating, murdering, raping dead. What it takes to do it for the Buffster - not me, never me. No, gotta be only some disgusting demon thing away from being a mouldy, oozing, George Romero corpse to make it with the Buffster, or any of my women in fact.
If I'd been taken, not Jesse, would she have wanted me then? Yeah, sure like that would ever happen. No dancing in the Bronze, kisses in the cemetery, and rings for us. No - Mr Pointy meet Xander - aw heck I'm all dusty better go take a shower before I hit all that Oweny goodness - that's what it would have been. Expendable Vamp of the week, that'd have been the Xandman. Not oh Angel I wuv you, kill Miss Callender, break my friends bones, torment us all, I still wuv you. Or - you're a soulless monster; take me now you gorgeous hunk of a night-thing. I'm not in the mood tonight; oh how could you do that to me I thought you loved me. Yeah, like some soulless monster can feel anything. Giles told us when I killed the thing that killed Jesse, it's not him, it's an evil thing that took the real victims body. I didn't kill Jesse. I've never done anything wrong to that bastard except letting it live so long, and missing with that axe. Well I can work on my aim.
Wonder if that bastard raped her too, before it killed her.
Will told me its there. I bet Giles doesn't think I know, but I do. I know it killed her. She wouldn't have left me. She loved me. She told me she loved me the last time I ever spoke to her. Did she know how much I loved her? She must have, I told her over and over again that day. But did she know? Really know? She must have, she told me she loved me, she wouldn't have done that if she was going to do anything stupid - would she? She'd have called me, talked it over with me - wouldn't she? We could always talk, about anything, couldn't we? She called me once; she'd have done it again. I'd have done anything for her. She knew that. I know she knew that - I hope.
No, She knew I loved her. She wouldn't leave me. She loved me. I might not be some big sleuth guy but it ain't difficult to know what happened. She was my Will. She wasn't trying to become a disgusting demon. She wouldn't do that. She wouldn't lie to me. She never lied to me. Anya's lying. But she's one of them now, not my An anymore. Giles is lying. I don't know why. Some sick Englishman thing? Dunno, and who am I to try and work it out? I'm the dumb one, remember. But he loves us. I know he does. He wouldn't have hurt her. Even if he did that stupid test he thought better of it later. I know he couldn't have hurt her. It must have been that monster.
If it comes back here I am so staking its ass.
I didn't get a chance to ask what the hell it was doing in the same house as my Will, when I spoke to that lying bastard. Too busy telling me off, like I was some dumb kid. He was too busy telling my girlfriend how wonderful it was that she hit me over the head, with a heavy vase, to talk to me. But hey, story of the Harris upbringing that was, should be used to it by now. Though it was pretty much always beer bottles. Any vases probably got thrown in the couple a months before I was born. There certainly weren't any left in the Harris house. Casa Summers does have them, and they're heavy. I'm taking that out on its hide too - every crack, every bruise, every injury, the murder of my best friend. Its hide, his 'mates' hides, all of 'em. Every sorry son of a bitch that was there; they're all gonna pay big-time.
It's ironic really. I was only over here working on some plans with Buffy to remodel the basement to a training room, when the call came. We were down there with the radio on. It was playing a 'The Who' hour ahead of the tour. I only recognised it because Giles used to play it sometimes on research parties at his place. Not my sort of music, but Buffy seemed to enjoy it - spends way too much time with old British guys. But anything to make her smile, so I forbear.
I could still hear the music as Buffy went upstairs to take the call. It was playing 'Won't Get Fooled Again'. I heard her scream as the song went:
And the men who spurred us on
Sit in judgement of all wrong
They decide and the shotgun sings the song
I'd think the hellmouth was trying to tell me something. But I'm not that stupid, no matter what anyone says. But I won't get fooled again. I've been lied to. She's been murdered. She didn't leave me. She'd never leave me. She loved me. I can't trust anyone else. Its gonna pay, big time. So's anyone that helped it.
Continued in Part 12. What's the Story, Morning Glory?