All About Spike

Chapter: 1  2  3  4

Journeys Part Three: Revelations (Draft)
By Mary

Sequel to Journeys Part Two: Awakenings; part of Journeys Series

Author’s Note:

There’s a ton of stuff to be worked out in these next couple of chapters, as you’ll see. Parts of them are extremely sketchy, and included here are a lot of things, plot points that I was at one time considering, and haven’t yet worked out whether or not to work into the story. Since I use a lot of foreshadowing when I write, it’s necessary to include these little notes to myself throughout, so that I remember that I have decisions to make before the final version of that particular chapter can be released.

Please keep in mind when reading this draft version that there’s a lot of this that I haven’t even LOOKED at for more than a year. I might not even remember what all the notes mean!! (Hmmm, now, where the hell was I going with that???) :) And I imagine there are several things included that were first written before the massive overhaul of Awakenings, and thus, make no sense whatsoever. (Another :) )

Also, one little thing about how I write. I find myself roughing out a draft, then refining it over and over. It isn’t until I’m about halfway through my dozen or so revisions (seriously, it’s really pitiful the number of times I can rewrite a single sentence) that I really start concentrating on how I think Giles or Spike or Dawn, etc. would phrase things. Even if I know what they have to say in the scene, and some of the words and phrases they’ll use, I will, as the chapter starts to take shape, spend a lot of time rewriting dialogue until I think it actually sounds like the person speaking (or at least until it does in my head). I think you’ll really notice that as you read over some of the scenes.

I hope there’s enough in these two chapters that makes sense to make them worth your time!


Chapter Two

((((Lots of stuff to be worked out here with the timeline – when does everyone find out everything they need to know in these next couple of chapters?, etc.

Giles would talk to Buffy about the blood thing if he was doing the tests on her, so the talk with Dawn will have to be moved up to before the test. Or Giles could decide not to talk to Buffy about the blood until he knows more. Taking Spike’s words to heart about it upsetting her.

Tara is still out of town, Giles searches Willow’s house while she’s cruising with her parents. Giles has Buffy do the hospital tests to rule something physical out and to get the silent guarantee that she’s still human.

Tara comes back, finds out the Giles still doesn’t know about the spell, and gets Willow’s books out. She studies them, then shares them with Giles. THEN they do the other tests on Buffy. Changed scenario affects conversations – check carefully for continuity, and to avoid contradictory things happening.))))

“It’s like a Norton Anti-Virus to detect demonic forces.”

“I beg your pardon?” She might just as well have been speaking Greek. Well, perhaps Sanskrit was a better analogy. He actually knew a fair amount of Greek.

“It’s for c-computers. It scans files to make sure none of them are infected with various t-types of viruses.”

“A virus being something that corrupts files.”

“Yes.” Tara smiled at him. Giles felt a little glow of warmth. For some reason, approval from Tara tended to make him feel good about himself. “It’s n-not like I think Buffy is acting like she’s being influenced or anything. ‘Cause I don’t think she is. A-acting like that.”

Giles smiled, trying to reassure her.

“And even if Spike’s chip didn’t fire when he hit her, I don’t think she’s a demon. At all. E-even, um, a little.”

“I don’t think you do feel like that, Tara. Tell me about this talisman,” Giles encouraged.

As it often did, Tara’s stutter faded as she moved into an area she felt more comfortable in.

“It won’t hurt Buffy or anything. All she has to do is touch it. That way, we can use it without even telling her, if, um, if you feel it would be better. I wouldn’t want her to think that we think she’s under some demon influence.”

Once again, Giles smiled. Tara really was an incredibly kind young woman. “Perhaps that would be best,” Giles agreed. “But if you don’t feel Buffy’s under any unnatural influence, and I agree with you,” he added hurriedly. “Why do you feel this is necessary?”

“Because of how Willow brought her back. The papers I gave you? I’ve been studying my copy of them, too. Like we agreed. And…” Tara’s eyes teared. “She took some terrible chances, Mr. Giles. I found her notes. There were location spells that she could have done. Spells she should have done, for Buffy’s safety and for our own. And she didn’t do them.”

Willow’s notes make it clear that she didn’t know if Buffy was even IN another dimension or if she was just, um, DEAD…

But Willow seemed to proceed on the assumption that Buffy was in a hell dimension, and continued as if that was the only possibility. And even then, she didn’t test all the hell dimensions…

Fear clutched at Giles, and he felt himself go cold.

“These location spells would have opened very tiny portals into different dimensions and told us whether or not Buffy was there. Or, at least they would have told us whether or not someone from our dimension had passed into that one recently. You know, so we should check it out more, um, thoroughly. But those spells are time consuming and kind of boring. Very repetitive. And there are so many dimensions to test, that it really does take a lot of time – months probably. I guess she decided they were too much work, and that we didn’t have that time, for some reason. But they’re incredibly important. Because when you pull a human being out of some dimensions, you can do terrible things to them if you haven’t performed specific protection spells unique to that dimension. We could have gotten Buffy back without her mind, or without her soul. Or even turned inside out or something like that.

“And Willow – I think she understood that. Her notes are pretty clear. She knew, but she didn’t do them…”

Tara’s expression revealed that she was feeling the same shock, disappointment and horror as he.

“And she certainly didn’t tell any of us. When she came to us for help, she told us about the research she’d already done, the conclusions she’d reached. And we – we trusted her. We never thought she might be lying, or hiding im-important information. I’m not sure if I can ever forget that. Or f-forgive it.”

“Quite,” Giles murmured. He really couldn’t think of anything else to say. He didn’t know if he could forgive Willow that deliberate disregard for safety – for life – for Buffy’s life – either. Willow had stated very clearly that she believed Buffy was in a hell dimension. If that was her belief, couldn’t she at least have tested those? She could have given the shrimp dimension a miss, perhaps, but if she honestly believed Buffy had been trapped in a hell dimension, and that they were rescuing her…

He thought it rather a good thing that Willow was currently cruising in the Caribbean with her parents, who had thought their daughter seemed rather stressed out and so had made arrangements to take her along on their planned vacation. If she was in Sunnydale, he wasn’t quite sure he’d be able to restrain himself.

“So, you’re thinking that perhaps Buffy…”

“I don’t think so, not really. I don’t think she’s under some demony influence. From, you know, being brought back without the proper safeguards and protections. B-but, um, I thought maybe we should check,” her voice faded. “J-just in case.”


Talk with Giles could be here, or could be right about the time Willow comes to the shop, back from her cruise. Perhaps she and Giles chat about Willow, and it morphs into a conversation with Giles about Spike.

Do the test results show something in Buffy’s blood? The doctor doesn’t think it’s anything serious, she’s also a little anemic, underweight, etc. Heart rate is a little too high, she’s very strong, her blood pressure is fine. All in all – she’s in her normal good health.

This would also be a good time for Giles and Buffy to talk about Willow, because Giles now knows more about the resurrection spell. He tells Buffy that tara just gave him Willow’s complete notes – or MORE complete, and that he will be studying them.

Buffy could still be worried about this, even tho she knows Rack wasn’t involved. There were other power dealers in town, and maybe Willow had gone to one of them. She’s also worried about what Anya said about purchased power being unreliable, dangerous. Did Willow purchase the power she’d used to bring her back? Had it had some strange effect on, her, Buffy? Was it responsible for some of the problems she was having? No, but Buffy worries about it a little. (Had it made her more susceptible to Spike? She doesn’t say this part.) Giles is able to reassure Buffy here. Willow’s notes, which he had gone over once completely, and was now studying more carefully, made no mention of the use of purchased power. Also hadn’t Willow said that she met Rack after the Tabula Rasa intervention? It was quite unlikely, if she was already seeing a power dealer, that she would feel the need to switch to another. One worry off Buffy’s list.

Does Buffy, however, show some remorse to Giles? Talk a little about Xander’s fears, and how they had raised her own. Asks him a few questions about Spike – has noticed their friendship, wants Giles impressions of Spike. Explains how she blew up, her reasoning, etc. I mean, what if I was wrong again, like Xander said? I have responsibilities. I can’t afford to make mistakes.

Does she talk about ‘does Giles think she was wrong?’ does she explain to him how it was always so easy with Spike, so relaxed, so comfortable. Is that weird? Is it wrong?

Wonders about how being with Spike always felt so right, and that she rarely even gave a thought to the whole vampire thing.

Keep the Spike parts impersonal: Just Spike as a part of the group… He’s changed. She’d trusted him, Dawn… asks him about his own relationship with Spike. Feels reassured that Giles shared her opinion.

This realization helps to confirm these thoughts:

She also knows that before Spike knew whether the chip was functioning, he hadn’t tried to test it out – on Dawn, who had come to him (and wouldn’t killing her sister be the ultimate punishment for her if he was angry with her?), and that he hadn’t tested it on anyone else – hadn’t tried to kill. Instead, he had taken himself away from everyone she cared about and called Giles for help. Were those the actions of a monster that was just biding his time until he could tear everyone she cared about to shreds, glorying in the violence with the added bonus of causing pain to her? Running away, or taking a step to protect her friends? Maybe a little of both? Xander’s ranting about Spike attacking the minute the chip was non-functional hadn’t panned out, had it?


Buffy will start the job at the beginning of the new semester – later in January.


Also – Buffy’s inability or reluctance to feel anger, etc. this could be part of the slayer essence that she felt was missing when she first returned. And it could help her realize that that “dark” part of her was something she needed in order to do her job – she was less effective without it. The slaying skills had come back, but the passion was lacking, along with the internal fire – not hatred, or even anger – but a kind of heat, a determination, the harder edges needed to be a leader, to make decisions, to BE the slayer.

Buffy will be having Spike thoughts after her birthday party too – so dole out what will go here and what will go there.

while Spike is in L.A., Buffy thinks about believing in herself, having confidence in her own choices, and not needing her decisions validated by her friends.

Also, trusting her instincts – its hard, but they were often what got her thru (maybe when they have to make the decision about how to go after Doc.

She cared about Spike. And it wasn’t only the sex. Okay, if she was being brutally honest girl, she’d admit that the sex was good. More than good. Unbloodybelievable. But if she didn’t care about Spike, it wouldn’t be, no matter how acrobatic or whatever it got. That just wasn’t her style. She wasn’t some kind of skanky ho who could indulge in endless hours of sex with someone unless she genuinely cared about him.

And she did. Care about him.

A lot.

Spike was also a good fighter. He was one of the strongest opponents she’d ever faced and one of the strongest allies that had ever stood by her side. It was logical for her to accept his help. Smart. Slaying was a physically taxing and emotionally draining job. Spike's role as a partner eased both of those things for her, taking some of the weight off her shoulders.

He did that. Not just by being a good warrior, but in lots of little ways.

He was funny. And clever, and smart-mouthed and sexy and strong and comforting, and he had those arms, and the most beautiful back, and that mouth…

Did Giles share with Buffy Spike’s saying that he would be coming back (for Dawn)? Buffy could then be thinking of this time apart as a break. Or would Giles telling Buffy anything at all about Spike mess with too much in the next few chapters? So have to work out exactly what Giles will tell Buffy about Spike.

Buffy thinks that maybe the break will be good, will give her some time to sort of calm down. Since she’d come back, everything had been kind of a blur, and not just because of the whole fuzzy thing. There had been a lot to adjust to. The changes she felt inside herself, the things she had forgotten, some of which she was still relearning. She’d only been back two months when Spike had left – so that whole relationship had changed really fast, had escalated… Much as she just wanted to ‘go with’ things sometimes, she was well aware that that had led to trouble in the past. She was the Slayer, and she had responsibilities. She couldn’t afford to take reckless chances. Now she had to decide if a relationship with Spike constituted a reckless chance or not. Thinking with her heart – did it with Angel – disaster. Thinking with her head – did it with Riley – disaster. She somehow had to figure out how to balance everything. She cared about Spike. Maybe more. She didn’t know. She wanted him to be a part of her life, and not just as a liaison with the demon community or someone that she beat up for information, roles he’d taken in her previous life. She pushed away the little frisson of nausea. (Explain about feeling KINDER since heaven?) She knew she preferred patrolling with him. It was so much easier, not having to fight the demons, AND keep a constant eye on her friends. Not that she wasn’t aware of Spike and whether he needed her help, but most often he didn’t, and so it was much easier to concentrate on the task at hand, confident that he could hold up his end of things. Not that she didn’t appreciate all the help the others had been over the years, but there was still a certain amount of relief that they weren’t doing much in the way of patrolling anymore.

When she’d said to Giles that she was the one who always went to Spike, it was the first time she’d really realized it. Why was that? But she couldn’t deny that almost since the moment she’d come back, her every instinct had taken her to his side. He was the one she’d confided in, he was the one she was comfortable with, with whom she felt peaceful, relaxed, drawn to, connected to. She felt safe with him, and for some reason – her mind was still trying to work around this one – she sometimes felt that her being with Spike was safer for the others too. Why would that be? It seemed to make no sense. Was it because it WAS safer for her to fight with Spike? He was a warrior, like her. The others were not. Having him at her side DID protect the others – they didn’t need to patrol with her, didn’t need to endanger themselves. THAT made some sense. Was that an explanation?

Spike had a real gift for making her feel loved. He made her feel so loved. Desired, needed. Understood. Angel had done that. Made her feel amazing, like she was truly special. But sometimes, and a little guiltily, she really didn’t feel that Angel had understood her as well as Spike did. Feeling like that almost felt like a betrayal of the feelings she’d had for Angel, and she had to tell herself quite sternly that it wasn’t a betrayal at all. It was just an observation. Her feelings for Angel had changed, but nothing could take away from what they had been to each other – before. Spike had something of a gift for seeing people, really seeing them, and he’d always seemed to have a particularly good insight into her. It had annoyed her to no end in the past.

(((Check this part with thoughts in earlier chapter when she’s walking with Dawn to check out Emily. What exactly did she think then? Don’t repeat thoughts.))) With Riley, it hadn’t been that way. Riley had insisted that he’d wanted the whole package, that he’d ‘gotten it’, but she’d never felt that way. She’d always felt that he didn’t get it – didn’t get it at all. He may have said the right things, but he’d always made her feel like deep down he wanted her to change, to be different, to be NORMAL.


God, that word. How many hours had she spent thinking about a normal life, longing for one, bemoaning the fact that she didn’t have one, and probably never would.

She rarely even thought of it anymore. Maybe there just comes a point in your life, after, say, you come back from the dead a second time or something, when you finally just admit you’re not real high on the normal girl scale.

And that maybe you’re okay, anyway. And that maybe you’re okay with that – that reality.

That maybe you’re not meant to be normal – that maybe destiny has taken you in a different direction, and was taking you even further away from an average life.

Does Buffy think now about the kind of lover Spike is?

Mention that she’s had some coffin nightmares?

The nightmares of the coffin, that had been falling off in frequency and intensity seemed to be making a comeback. She’d had several since he left, and two just last night. She thought perhaps tonight she would find a good book to read, and maybe give the whole sleeping thing a miss. Dawn was always recommending those Harry Porter books, the ones with the wizards and the muggers. She said they weren’t just for kids, and that she thought Buffy would like them. Of course Dawn wasn’t really in the mood to lend them to her right now, but maybe she could slip into her room while Dawn was at school, and um, nick them. Things had been so tense in the house since Spike had left town that Buffy was glad high school students didn’t have as long a winter break as college students. It was healthy for both of them that they weren’t together more than they were.

While Spike is in LA, Buffy thinks on feeling so drawn to him and on the connection she feels – feeling inside each other, the warmth, the mind reading. If they’re not meant to be together – what did all that mean? She chats with Giles about it??? She seriously considers if she could have misunderstood everything that had happened since she came back – was some force trying to bring them together? Good? Evil? Were her ‘feelings’ not completely defined – being manipulated?

Buffy now knows chip is still working AND that she is okay.

She also knows that before Spike knew whether the chip was functioning, he hadn’t tried to test it out – on Dawn, who had come to him (and wouldn’t killing her sister be the ultimate punishment for her if he was angry with her?), and that he hadn’t tested it on anyone else – hadn’t tried to kill. Instead, he had taken himself away from everyone she cared about and called Giles for help. Were those the actions of a monster that was just biding his time until he could tear everyone she cared about to shreds, glorying in the violence with the added bonus of causing pain to her? Running away, or taking a step to protect her friends? Maybe a little of both? Xander’s ranting about Spike attacking the minute the chip was non-functional hadn’t panned out, had it?

Buffy realizes that for some bizarre reason, since she came back, the only time she’d really ever considered the fact that Spike was a vampire was when he’d hit her and the chip hadn’t fired. She hadn’t thought of him as evil, hadn’t thought of him as a killer, or a threat. He had just been there – a part of the gang, in a way, but separate, as well, a little apart. Spike.

Sorta – one of a kind. Unique.

Yeah, that’s it.

He still annoyed her a lot, but in kind of a different way. Like she didn’t find his annoying manner quite so – annoying. That she even kind of enjoyed it. What was up with that? All his sarcastic little comments interjected into their conversations. She liked them… ((Has some of this stuff already been said in an earlier chapter?))

Use this as exposition time to catch us up on Buffy’s feelings and state of mind on a lot of things.

In crypt:

How could it seem so empty, so devoid of life? She wondered. Spike wasn’t even alive, so logically, his absence shouldn’t make the crypt seem so – dead.

But it did. No telly flickering with scenes from that stupid soap, Passions, that he and her mom had been so obsessed with, or from “I Love Lucy’ reruns, or, best case scenario, old movies. No candles wafting their wonderful scents around the room, and keeping the corners from being too thick with shadow.

No sound except for the hum of the refrigerator.

He’d been gone less than two weeks. She was sure of the amount of time because Giles had mentioned it in passing this morning.

It felt like a year to Buffy, and she wondered if that was because she was having so much trouble determining the passage of time, or for – other reasons.

(((Dawn has not yet told Buffy about the coat in any conversation they’ve had, because, at this point, they haven’t HAD any conversations. )))

She climbed down the ladder to the lower level, finding his coat crumpled at its base. She picked it up, smoothing the well worn leather under her hand. Dawn had said he’d told her to take it, but that she’d left it there. Buffy had been sure Spike wouldn’t have left it behind, and finding it there caused a moment of sharp pain in her chest. She moved further into the room, and laid the coat on the neatly made bed.

Spike could be such a slob sometimes that it had always surprised her to find the bed neatly made. She closed her eyes against visions of how thoroughly they always managed to mess it up.

The refrigerator couldn’t be heard down here, and the complete silence unnerved her.

No music playing, no soft murmurings, no rapid breathing. No words of love and lust, desire and need, being whispered roughly against her ear.

“You’re so hot, Buffy, so tight, always so tight. When I first slide inside you, I could swear I won’t last a minute, a second. Always feel like I’m gonna explode as soon as you sheath me. Love being with you like this, being inside you, touching you, tasting you. You’re so bloody beautiful, so… Your skin –soft, smooth, gold. Your hair, yeah, lean back like that; let it brush against my thighs. Oh, yeah, more. Arch your back more. Ah, fuck, gonna come. Buffy. Buffy.”

Hips arching off the bed as he thrust wildly up into her as he came, deeper than she’d ever known a man could be. Inside her. Part of her. Hers…


Damn him!

How dare he leave her!

How could he leave her?

Of course, he’d left her.

Everyone did, didn’t they?

She struggled to push away the thoughts of her threat to kill him.

His face twisted up in anguish. “You can’t know what it was like. If you…”

She doesn’t believe he’s gone. Her reaction? Fear? Anger? Resignation – another guy left her. Does she start to fear that she’s really hurt Spike? Does she feel regret? Does she realize that she needs him? Does she curl up on his bed with the coat and cry?

She missed him.

There; she’d admitted it. Well, maybe she’d admitted it to herself before.

“I miss him.”

There; she’d admitted it out loud. It wasn’t like a tree falling in the forest. Even if no one was here to hear her, it still counted. She’d still said it. She’d heard it. Meant it.

Buffy climbed onto the mattress and lay down, curled onto her side on her side of the bed, her eyes focused on his side. His empty side. She could picture him there perfectly, his eyes soft in the candlelight, as he gazed into her face.

“I love you, Buffy.”

Buffy swallowed, letting her eyes fall closed. They’d only been lovers a few weeks. It shouldn’t all feel so familiar, so comfortable to her. It shouldn’t feel so – meant to be.

And it had. From day one. Literally.

From the moment she’d seen him, standing there at the base of the stairs looking up at her, she’d known. She was going to be with him. She hadn’t known why or how, or for how long, but she’d known it with everything in her fuzzy, fearful heart.

He belonged to her.

She missed him.

Was she going to be honest with herself?

Buffy curses her ability to drive away the men in her life.

Because of you. Because you are such a bloody bitch. Can’t you ever just be nice to people? Ever? I thought maybe you’d changed. I mean – you were in heaven! I would think something like that might change you, knowing heaven exists and you get to go there again someday… I thought it might make you a better person or something. And for a while I thought it had, but I was wrong, wasn’t I? You’re back to your old self – the biggest bitch on the planet! And you’re gonna do what you’ve always done – make sure no one around you enjoys their life too much either, aren’t you?

If she was going to be honest with herself, she’d have to admit that since she came back, and aside from Dawn, Spike was the only one she wanted to spend any time with. And she’d been the one to seek him out – every time, really. He hadn’t seduced her. Well, he sorta had, but she’s been pretty instrumental in initiating their physical relationship too. And she didn’t regret it. She loved having sex with him. It was amazing. She wanted to spend time with him. She enjoyed his company. She continued to feel comfortable with him in a way she didn’t feel with anyone else. Even Dawn, she thought with some guilt, although the two of them had been closer in the last few months that she could remember them being in years. She’d probably messed that up now. She’d even started to have a couple of chats with Giles.

Since she’d come back, everything with Spike had just clicked, almost like… she didn’t know.

She was feeling more involved, more a part of things, more connected to the world and the people around her.

Being buried under her responsibilities. And strangely Spike seemed to take some of that off her shoulders. Was it just that she knew he was the only one as strong as she was? And was he stronger than he’d been before she dies? He sure seemed to fight better a lot of the time. He’d been good before, but he’d seemed to have grown a little less so the longer she’d known him. Was that because he was unable to drink human blood? Had it been affecting his power? But he seemed faster now, stronger and tougher. Spike had sometimes seemed to be – lacking fire. His fire was back.

She trusted Spike. She’d begun to trust him before she died, and when she came back the building trust just seemed to have escalated, or even jelled.

But when the dreams had begun, when she’d begun to have doubts, fears, begun to question herself. She couldn’t blame Xander for that. He may have voiced a few things, but they were things already buried somewhere in her subconscious, things she’d been ignoring with a totality that was almost shocking.

Is this the place she lets some of her anger toward Xander fall away? That would make sense.

She barely even though of Spike as a vampire. He’d just been – Spike.

And hers.

When she got back to the upper level, she realized she’d carried his coat up with her. She draped the duster over the back of the leather sofa that had replaced the ratty old chair as his preferred place to sit while watching television, glanced around the room one last time, and left, closing the crypt door quietly and firmly behind her.

The refrigerator kept humming.

A minute later, the door crashed open. Buffy strode back in angrily, grabbed the duster, and left again, taking it with her. The door slammed in her wake.


Spike thinks here on needing a break as well. Needing to decide how he can go back. He’d already given his word that he would – thru the Watcher to Dawn. Had he done that because giving his word would eventually force the action? Had he been afraid that if he didn’t he wouldn’t go back? Ever? He just needed to learn to close off that part of himself, the part that belonged to her – to the Slayer. Close it off, ignore it, hide it away. It would be hard, but he knew he could do it. After all, he’d spent most of the time since Dru had turned him closing off different parts of himself. Become a bleedin’ expert at it while he was livin’ with Angelus and Darla. After years alone with Dru, he’d been able to open up a bit again. Let her in, let himself out.

But he knew how to guard. How to force his mind to change, to shut down. Might be harder this time, with her, because he was afraid that this time all of him belonged to her, and not just parts, but he could still do it if he was determined. He just needed – time. Just some time. A few more days, a few weeks, maybe. Just a little time more time. Build some walls, let the mortar dry.

The trust thing. It had long been a problem for him. But he knew it was important to the Slayer, and he knew that not having hers was the kiss of death to anything between them.

Of course, he’d always known…

He’d never cared much about trust before. He hadn’t felt it for anyone, and hadn’t given a rat’s arse if anyone trusted him. In fact, he’d’ve probably taken it as an insult.

Until Dawn. That was mutual, and it just – was.

But this lack of trust – it hurt in a way he’d never imagined, and had never experienced. That she thought he could harm Dawn, harm one hair on his girl’s beautiful head… that had twisted something inside him, made him furious, made him hurt, made him despair.

He’d tried to tell himself over and over. Never gonna last. She was the sodding slayer, wasn’t she? Not gonna look at him as anything. She’d just needed someone she felt connected to. And there was no denying they’d felt connected. But he’d known it wouldn’t last. And the sex had been great, unbelievable. He’d thought maybe she thought so, too. Hard to tell sometimes. Her body reacted to him but she never said much, not during sex and not about sex at other times.

(((He may think she loves him, but he figures it won’t make any difference…wouldn’t last anyway??)))

He loved her. Maybe it had just been amazing to him because of that. Maybe she’d never quite felt the same… And they’d only been shagging for a couple of weeks, a month or so, no more… Maybe it would have worn off. Yeah, wanker, try to tell yourself that. He’d been torn between thinking she might be starting to love him, that maybe she did, and knowing that it would never happen, never last. It had all felt so right to him… so… But he’d never seemed to get beyond the fact that he was beneath her.

Buffy’s lack of trust in Spike – he can take some of that – even understands it. But her jumping in front of Dawn – thinking that he could hurt DAWN. He loved Dawn. THAT is completely devastating to him. Spike feels he’s worked hard to keep his promise, almost recreated himself in this regard at least. NOTHING could have devastated him like that – her belief that he could hurt DAWN. She could have doubted him when it came to Harris – to anyone – even the Watcher & it wouldn’t have hit him like that ((Spike’s depression may be a contributing factor to his giving up here – but it’s only part of it. EVERYTHING. He’d give everything for Dawn.)) Also, her lack of trust here, pushes him over the edge into suicidal depression. Spike is already depressed – has never really gotten over her death – and he has no idea how to deal with caring about humans. He just chained Dru up to keep her safe. He worries about B&D all the time – feels a strong responsibility to keep them safe.

It was nearly sunset. He threw down his pen in disgust, looking at the pile of papers on the desk. Two weeks and the stack had grown to be quite substantial. At least he had something to show for the hours he hadn’t been sleeping. He hoped the Watcher appreciated it.

He didn’t really see how writing down stories of his exploits over the years was gonna be of much benefit to the Watcher or the Council, but he’d told Giles he would have a go at it.

Stories of his time with Dru and Darla and Angelus, the four of them together. Stories of the hunger and the hunt. Angelus’ curse, his departure, and his brief return. Killing his first slayer. The break with Darla some time later. His travels with Dru; Europe, Russia; the colonies, back to the Continent, Spain, the drab time in Paris, the disaster that had been Prague.

Writing it all down brought a lot of things to the surface that he usually preferred not to stir up. ‘Course most of them had been pretty stirred up already just by residing in the same building as Angelus. They hadn’t crossed paths again since that first night, but he was always extremely aware of the other vampire’s presence. This close to him, the call of his grandsire’s blood was almost constant.


He threw himself down on the bed, trying to persuade his mind to blank out, relax.

Sleep. Just sleep.

Don’t think about her.

Don’t think about her smile, the pleasure of hearing her laugh.

Don’t remember her taste, the intoxicating scent of her skin, the heat of her body surrounding you, the way her body grips yours, holds you deep inside her. Don’t think about the way her breath catches in her throat when you’re moving in her, stroking, stroking, the tiny little moans, the way she gasps or the way her gorgeous body goes completely taut just before she comes.

Don’t think about the odd floods of warmth that ran between you, making you feel so close to each other, and god, never, never, never, think about that night on her sofa, of being inside her; all of her, body, mind – soul, maybe – with just your mouth on her throat, and your hands twisted into her hair. Don’t think about her eyes begging you, ‘Take me back – where we were. Take me there again…’

Don’t even dwell on the sight of those same eyes feral with fury, her words tearing your heart out. Were you trying to turn me? Stay away. Don’t you ever touch her again, or I will kill you. Do you understand me? They’d hardly even argued since she’d been brought back, and to have her turn on him so violently, so thoroughly…

Don’t think about her.

At all.

Just sleep.



A few minutes later, he rolled to his feet, grabbed his cigarettes off the nightstand and went out.


Continued in Chapter Three

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